1. Health

Divorce a Spouse With Borderline Personality Disorder?

By January 11, 2009

This question comes up frequently on the BPD Forum: "My spouse has borderline personality disorder (BPD). Should I divorce him/her?" There is no easy answer to this question, and it certainly depends on the nature of the BPD and non-BPD spouse and their relationship. Many people have stuck by a spouse with BPD and found that the symptoms improved with time and treatment, others have tried to stay together but couldn't make it work. This is probably an issue best considered with the help of a therapist.

Read more about divorce and BPD...
Comments
January 17, 2009 at 8:28 am
(1) Tormented says:

Often the people with BPD are the ones who trigger the divorce. They are prepared with a plan and execute it to destroy their spouse. I’ve been through this with somebody I believe has BPD. It is a nightmare. A good description of the kinds of things that happen is at BPD Distortion Campaign.

Anybody who is considering divorcing a BPD spouse has to be prepared for the distortion campaign. Otherwise it is like sending lambs to the slaughter.

January 19, 2009 at 11:41 am
(2) Wisconsinite says:

Wow, Tormented, sounds like you’ve really been supportive. NOT.

January 19, 2009 at 12:11 pm
(3) Rebecca says:

Exactly right about the spouse deciding when you leave, and able to make it look and sound like you’re the one who decided to leave. The raging (he may think it was MY fault he was raging) made it unsafe to stay around, so I left. I gave him notice I would leave and asked him to get help (another insult to add to his list of things I did not apologize for adequately). I’m walking out the door and he is still trying to resolve the insulting comment I made about his swimsuit 6 months ago..hello your wife is leaving and that is all you want to talk about?

January 19, 2009 at 5:27 pm
(4) Steve says:

If the BP spouse refuses to see a therapist, says not only that she does not have the disorder but that (by projection) you, the non-BP does, line up your ducks and head to the most diligent and aggressive attorney you can locate. See Mr. Eddy’s book “Splitting.” My spouse only got worse with time, committing elder abuse on her bedridden, dying mother (who pled with me to save her from her own daughter — no one whom I spoke with listened), and especially with her rages (including two assaults on me and several on other family members), distortions, blaming, etc., bought into by law enforcement (which I called on six occasions) and her own lawyer (the prototypical “negative advocate” of Eddy’s book) who should have been levied with a Rule 11 sanction. I could never get my milquetoast lawyer to get an order for a mental exam, as he believed that the judge or jury would not “get it” or that she might be found incompetent and that I would be required to support her forever. Mr. Eddy, whom I contacted, offered to cooperate and advise my lawyer, who refused the suggestion. The divorce process has taken 18 months, and although the BP signed the detailed settlement agreement written by me (a non-practicing JD with an MD and MBA), she continues to avoid meeting the obligations of the settlement and her attorney assists her. I comtemplate several trips to court to compel performance. I can’t wait to no longer deal with this creature.

January 19, 2009 at 11:52 pm
(5) Tormented says:

Wisconsinite,

What do you mean about not being supportive?

Suspected BP ex spent quite a lot of time lying to therapists and others to make me sound like an abusive nutcase, filed for divorce, took a lot of money (way more than half), ran off with our kids, and then filed for a protective order based upon false statements with no evidence. I was kicked out of our home, banned from seeing the kids, etc. Later when a lot of that was resolved because of the lack of credibility on the part of the ex, then ex couldn’t agree with joint custody. It wasn’t long before false child abuse and sexual abuse allegations started. So back to no contact with kids, spending huge sums on lawyers, etc. A year later, there’s no substantiation of ex’s false claims, no charges or arrests, and still no kids.

Courts were built for pathological liars and support them very well. Borderlines are among the best pathological liars around.

How do you think I should be supportive, Wisconsinite?

January 20, 2009 at 6:04 am
(6) A Father says:

It seems like child custody battles with people who have personality disorder (diagnosed or not but acting like they do have one or more) is like hell on earth.

There’s a book called The Diary of a Patient Man, A Father’s Struggle written by a guy named William Stoneking which shows how the courts “assist” such people in victimizing their children and ex-spouse.

His story is a prime example of the kinds of things Borderlines and other Cluster B personality disorder victims do during child custody battles.

January 20, 2009 at 11:10 pm
(7) Hayley says:

I agree with Wisconsonite. You are not very supportive nor empathetic, Tormented. Borderlines are not pathological liars, that’s not even a feature of the disorder. You’re just making stuff up to make yourself look better. Oh, poor you, you’re “tormented.”

January 20, 2009 at 11:15 pm
(8) Hayley says:

Just remember that as miserable as you feel having to be around a borderline, it is 1,000 times worse for the borderlines themselves. So have some compassion!

January 22, 2009 at 3:43 pm
(9) Anne says:

Borderline personality people do lie and manipulate, nothing is ever their fault or responsibility. Until you have walked in the shoes of a spouse who is having to deal with one of these persons, don’t pass judgement. They create hell in the family, and feel that abuse (verbal and emotional) is justified. Frankly, I would say to anyone who has begun a relationship with someone who has this afflication, stop and RUN, they will destroy you and any children that you might have.

January 30, 2009 at 2:26 am
(10) Kathleen says:

I have BPD & have been with my husband for 6 years. He’s a wonderful man that never deserved my insanity. I tried warning him from the beginning (even gave him books on the subject) yet he made the decision to stay with me, be supportive and tolerate my “issues”. After too many episodes to count (suicide attempts, physical/verbal abuse, etc) he’s reached his breaking point. I was hospitalized this past weekend and this time he didn’t care. I was taken away by police & he went to bed. 12 hrs later he finally answered my pathetic call (from the ER) & told me he wanted a divorce. I cried, pleaded for forgiveness and begged him not to leave. He came to the ER & the psch hosp I was xfered to. I was released 2 days ago & he’s giving me another chance. I love him so much & appreciate him standing by me. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt him yet I do, time & time again. As much as we love each other I think he’d be better off without me. He wants to work things out, but should I divorce him so he can live a happy “normal” life?

February 5, 2009 at 5:16 pm
(11) Husband in denial says:

I have had three or four therapists tell me that my wife of nearly 29 years has BPD. I agree with Kathleen, Anne and ‘Not the crazy one’. I always just thought that my wife was mean. I was unaware that there was a name for this affliction. Knowing that she has this illness has made me more understanding, although living through all of her abuse is wearing me down. I have always had to be the ‘peace maker’ between her and our kids and between her and several other people. I told a therapist that my marriage is more like being college roommates, and the semester isn’t ever going to end. But she has so many wonderful traits! I cannot imagine being her, with all of that inside of her head. I wish I had a loving wife but she is unable to give. I get her things, I cook dinner, I work two jobs, I do the dishes… I do these things because I like to serve others. I used to use to call her sweetheart, but getting her to use a term of endearment was like prying out a tooth for her. So I stopped. I don’t even attend some of her hospital visits anymore. She treats her dog better than she treats me. Perhaps I am just spineless.

February 11, 2009 at 12:22 am
(12) New Here says:

This is all very depressing to read about. My spouse has BPD, and I am the one going to therapy for it. I hope that someone has some glimmer of hope out there. Her distortion tirades are getting harder to manage, we have children in the house. Does anyone have any hope?

February 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm
(13) BPDcounselor says:

Kathleen,

I feel a lot of sympathy for what you are experiencing and wish you well in your recovery. I am assuming you are commiting yourself to something like inpatient or partial hospitalization DBT program. I applaud you for your courage and want to say there is hope for you if you learn the one thing that will save you- you MUST and can only do this for yourself, by yourself. Social support is one thing, but only you can change the false self. Nothng external can “fix” you. You CAN do it!

To answer your question. I am going to be really frank ok? Not mean, but very candid, so brace yourself: People who live with BPD’s have their own trials and issues to deal with. Your husband needs therapy and a break from you. You need a break from him. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and it’s going to take time. He needs to get healthy or you are both going to go down the drain and he needs to do it away from you. You need to do it away from him. Maybe you should think about treatment that includes you leaving the home for a minimum of six months and develop a balanced lifestyle treatment plan for BOTH of you with the help of a counselor.

So to divorce him? Yes. That would ultimately be the moral thing to do and the best thing in most cases. You should also consider giving him custody if you have children. Do not under any circumstances have more or bring in children until you are years past treatment.That may sound mean, but it’s best for all concerned. You may be borderline because your parents are, or have NPD. You will almost inevitably pass it onto children until you are years past trreatment. It will exacerbate the pain you feel and slow treatment, if not stop it.

Divorce is your choice and his choice, it may not be what works for the two of you. I think you are self aware enough that you realize your suicide attempts and pleas from a hospital “manipulate” him. I know that’s not your intention. You really DO feel that horrible. I’m so sorry. He said he wants a divorce and you acted in a way that pressured him into staying. Do you really beleive he changed his mind? Maybe it is time for you to take the wisdom about yourself you show here and get serious about treatment, which probably includes physically separating from your husband…it actually makes treatment go faster in most cases.

Good luck Kathleen. You are going to do great!

March 5, 2009 at 2:03 pm
(14) SLK says:

Wow. I don’t know what to say about the horrible comments against those with BPD (although I see them everywhere), but I do know that narcissists and borderlines often end up together in relationships.

I have BPD (and bipolar and autism) from years of severe abuse but I am a full-time student and when I graduate am hoping to spend time in India helping the “poorest of the poor.” I am trying to get a job through voc rehab because I have to pay for my own education. I hope to start a non-profit agency one day to help poor, disabled people have better lives. This definitely goes against what everyone always states about “borderlines,” doesn’t it?

I can’t even see a therapist to get treatment for BPD because I am so stigmatized and stereotyped. I get treated like I am some kind of sociopath simply because of my diagnosis. I am still trying to find a therapist that will actually see me as a person and not a diagnosis, but so far it is not going very well.

I’m a good person who had bad things happen to her but most people see me as a bad person period.

March 13, 2009 at 2:49 am
(15) no mercy for hi functioning BPDs says:

Kathleen, God bless you with your struggle…if my (soon to be x) borderline spouse even ONCE in 11 yrs of marriage had displayed any willingness at all to work together in counseling, i would go to my grave trying. BUT, a Hi-functioning (read: in denial) borderline is a monsis a monster…yes, to be pitied perhaps, but a monster nonetheless. They will destroy you, their own children and anyone who doesn’t immediately show “loyalty”. OMG have i seen/heard things one could never imagine come out of the mouth of this person. Thank you Jesus for the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” i finally understand what the heck is going on and now know that indeed, i could never salvage the marriage no matter how much i do love her. She is broken, and as long as she refuses to admit it, irretrievably so. The difference between a HI FUNCTIONING borderline and all other mental illness is the insidious refusal to acknowledge ANY responsibility for the carnage they leave in their wake. They lie pathologically, to protect their fragile existence, even at the expense of their precious children, who will need years of therapy to undo their demented abuse. In short, THEY KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE DOING! I have no pity or mercy for them, they are the closest thing to evil personified i can ever imagine. TO CLARIFY, HI FUNCTIONING BPs, not those who are cognizant and working to overcome – they should be supported and encouraged to the maximum extent possible.

March 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm
(16) Marie says:

“I’ve been through this with somebody I believe has BPD. ”

Key words are “I believe”. Self-appointed diagnosticians will jump on anything to find an explanation to the behaviour of a hurtful partner. Who often does not have BPD, but ASPD or NPD or just a bad case of BAJ (Being a Jerk).

I’m a bit tired of people who are basing themselves on the behaviour of idiots who have *never* been properly diagnosed with BPD to demonize and revile BPD sufferers.

March 23, 2009 at 2:56 pm
(17) Skumar says:

Oh My God… Its a pain like anything. I could not any more. She has created stories, she has enacted dramas, she has isolated me from all my famil and friends, she made my self esteem to touch the bottom. she led me to decide there is no hope in this life. Thanks to “Stop walking on the egg shell”. She has deserted my to threaten my that she can do any thing to control me. I am in no contact right now. She is using all kind of manuplation to get me back. It wont happen till my death. She is a high functioning BP who is in complete denial and trying to take me to therapy. Luckly I dint have any children. I am ready to face the legal consequences. Thank God I am alive. I pitty for her but couldn’t help her.

March 26, 2009 at 2:24 pm
(18) Anita says:

I stupidly married a narcissist/sociopath thinking I could “heal” him with enough love.(Yes, I’m a nurse.) He nearly killed me through 13 yrs. of divorce/custody battles. I had to leave my home,state of 40 years to escape the torment on Dr.’s advice,and now my 22 y.o. daughter,of course, exhibits
probable BPD. It’s always way too easy to judge, but RUN, don’t walk away; have sympathy for all involved, but know it is a living hell.

March 27, 2009 at 7:13 pm
(19) Worn out says:

My wife is Bipolar and now I believe BPD. She left me and my 4,5 and 6 year old in the middle of the night to go with a man she reconnected with on Facebook 30 days ago. She has went 180 degrees from everything she held true and believed in. From Church to drunkness, drugs, sex, fights, etc. I have tried for 5 weeks to love her back with no avail and only hurt. I filed for separation to keep the kids and she counter with divorce. Now the battle is on, she has spent $8K in 30 days, and I cannot leave the kids alone with her. I have ran out of hope, energy and patience. I had to stop loving her to make the right decisions for my children stake. I am now mad. Will she ever wake up and see what she has done?

March 31, 2009 at 6:19 pm
(20) Harassed says:

Those who have no experience dealing with Borderlines probably just can’t understand what it is like. Recently some people have been making “animated films” of Borderline conversations to show how hostile and ridiculous they can be:

Argument With The Psycho Ex Wife: A Short Film

Talking With A Borderline

Some of the comments from those with BPD instantly take the “splitting” approach of invalidating anybody else’s experiences and attacking the writers of those posts.

There are at least three groups of people with BPD:

1) Those who have it and are working on fixing it and who have support to keep them from becoming dangers to others. Maybe these people are the most sensitive to stigmatization?

2) Those who have it and are so messed up that they are mostly a danger to themselves, from suicide attempts to drug use. Most people can see this group is clearly dysfunctional, but may think it’s from substance abuse or other problems which are really just aspects of BPD.

3) Those who have it and are high-functioning, deny their problems, and engage in the destructive behaviors so many comments here have pointed out.

Group #3 seems to cause the most destruction to the largest number of people. Other people need protection from them. Maybe they should be institutionalized. But unfortunately, in America the rights of the mentally ill to abuse and ruin others are sacrosanct.

March 31, 2009 at 8:57 pm
(21) barry says:

good luck if ur divorcing a bpd!

April 1, 2009 at 12:39 pm
(22) Life as we know it? says:

My husband has had issues since early childhood(4), he was labeled back then as ADHD, Cerebral Seizures. We have been married 16 yrs, and i will not lie, it has been PURE hell. We have 5 children (all ours). Two years ago 2 of our 5 children were diagnosed with Tourrettes and Aspergers (ASD). As part of our family consultation with specialist, genetics, psychologist and so forth, we find out my husband has Tourrettes, Aspergers, BiPolar, and Borderline personality disorder. We have had 3 Independant consults, all the same. I have had enough. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental anguish. I am so beat down, an I find myself wandering how i ever fell in love with this man who apparently hates me, until i get ready to leave him. I have been an at home mom my entire life! I am 35 and have no training to support myself and the kids. He is a teacher, and has all the income. We have moved 17 times in 16 yrs and he has had 19 teaching jobs in 16 yrs. I have begged, pleaded for him to get help, he’ll go a time or two, manipulate his therapist into believing he is trying and then not go for several weeks. Three therapist have cut him off as a patient for being “manipulative” and not conforming to therapy. I want to leave, I love him, but god help me I cant stand to look at him. My kids dont like their own father, my older 4 want to know why i stay. He goes to work, comes home, eats, sleeps, and rants all night. If you are with someone with BPD, you love them, but you have to get out. I thought i could change him, help him, love him enough he could overcome. But it’s all a lie. The nature of the beast is to destroy, themselves and ANYONE around them. Support them, how about support for all those destroyed by them! Medication, doesnt work, therapy, practice to manipulate better, love and encouragement= better chance to hurt you. Love and support for 16 years, and all i get is more misery. It will not get better, dont kid yourself.

April 6, 2009 at 2:34 pm
(23) heartinablender says:

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting on any bpd board, anywhere. I am on the verge of leaving my bpd partner. We’ve been together for 4 years and I love her dearly. Back when I thought we had a shot at happiness together I dreamed of children with her, and now I’m just exhausted from the emotional struggle of living with her. The splitting, the substance abuse, the eggshell existence, the manipulation, etc. I’m naturally now scared to death of marrying her and having children because of what I feel would be a very high likelihood of damaging them and perpetuating the pattern. My decision is complicated by the fact that she started therapy about half a year ago with the sincere goal of making things right for herself and for us. She has made enormous strides in that time and communication between us has improved dramatically. I’ve been explicit with her about the damage I think she’s done to the relationship and she has been very receptive and taken responsibility for it. She says and shows me in little ways every day that she loves me. She’s slowly becoming what I had always hoped she could be: a kind, honest, and loving person. She’s asked me to look forward not back, but I am of course, plagued with doubt about the depth of her transformation. While our relationship has improved, I just don’t trust her to be a good friend to me and mother to my children, but I wish I could. Sometimes, I just want to be happy with someone reliably normal. This whole thing is heartbreaking and I’m very torn about what to do. What I would love to know is if any of you that have been down the road before me, are glad you stayed with your bpd partner? In other words, is there really no hope? Almost everyone who seems normal on these boards says RUN!, and everyone who stayed with their bpd seems miserable, but are there really no success stories out there?! My definition of success is, that you’re happy you stayed with your bpd partner and wouldn’t have done things substantially differently from the time you decided you were going to stick things out. Help!

April 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm
(24) Kids-hurt-badly says:

Borderline spouses tend to go crazy during divorce. Many (most?) engaged in parental alienation against the ex, using the children as weapons in a custody battle.

I ran across a new book by some psychologists who have studied parental alienation. They wrote it to help older kids (maybe 9 to 14) learn to combat parental alienation by applying their thinking skills to what they hear from the alienating (often borderline) parent.

Kids’ Parental Alienation Book: I Don’t Want to Choose!

May 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm
(25) I am finally free says:

I just had to agree with everything said here. If your in a relationship with a BPD get out. If your thinking about sustaining a relationship with a BPD your kidding yourself. I have managed to somehow live with my BPD wife for 12 years. I got to tell you they are really good at making the good time seem really good while they slowly destroy your mental health as well as your kids. You want so badly to believe that they are not the liars, manipulators, cheaters and downright evil people that they are. You feel great empathy for them for their childhood trauma and you feel that you in some magical way will help them but believe me they do not care. They will destroy you one day at a time until you finally decide for yourself enough is enough. I have finally made that decision and I got to say it is the best decision i have ever made. I got myself back again and that’s the way i am staying. So long BPD I am Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 28, 2009 at 12:27 am
(26) Stephanie says:

So like many of the people on here, this is my first post on a BPD board (or any board for that matter). I’d like to start by saying that I myself am diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar disorder and just because of that doesn’t mean I do not have a right to an opinion on this board. I’d love to start by pointing out that most people with BPD ‘grow out of it’. There are a dozen comments on here out of the millions of people with these disorders and it seems to me as though these people have dealt with very severe cases of BPD that have driven them to online resources and some book that slanders everyone with this disorder. Saying that everyone with BPD is a pathological liar and basically the worst of the earth, is unfair and biased. I think you people should find something better to do than try to talk people out of being in relationships with people they love based on a couple of sentences. There are two sides to every story. I think every person is unique and that this should be based on a case by case basis. If all of you have honestly experienced such atrocious abuse at the hands of your BPD partners my heart goes out to you and I am sure there are boards somewhere for you to vent your stories and feel sorry for yourselves. My mother is BPD and mine and her doctors think there is a strong likelyhood my grandmother was as well (she committed suicide three years ago without ever seeking help). I have been married five years now and my husband and I have three children. My husband went into our relationship with his eyes wide open regarding my situation. I almost ruined the relationship with promiscuity, poor choices with money and many hurtful fights but he is a strong man and thought I was worth fighting for so two years ago I went to my psychiatrist and I said I was serious, I wanted to be better for him and my children and began medications. My condition has drastically improved and our marriage and children are happy and healthy and neither of us regret the hell we went through for something so precious. I can only imagine what it is like for those on the other side of the fence who have to deal with the pain of BPD partner but I can attest that being the one with the disorder is not as easy as you make it out to be and we are not monsters or bad people. Maybe the people you all have encountered are just bad people who also happen to have BPD. I jsut wanted to say that anyone looking at this board should not base a decision on whether or not to end a relationship on if the person had BPD. Base it on the person themselves and your love for them and don’t let them use the BPD as a crutch or excuse forever.

May 28, 2009 at 12:37 am
(27) NeverTooLate says:

I agree with you Stephanie. In fact if you read the myths associated with BPD it states that 88% of people with BPD recover completely with ten years with one third recovering within two years. Be supportive of your partner and try to get them to seek help. It is true that they cannot use the excuse that they are BPD forever and if they are in denial offer an ultimatum. My spouse was diagnosed as a teenager and even in her twenties when we started dating she still showed a lot of the self destructive behaviours. It wasn’t until after her therapist told her she could recover that she actually did.

May 28, 2009 at 9:51 am
(28) Benjamin Dover says:

Wisconsinite is likely Bi-Polar. You expected a different answer from her?

May 28, 2009 at 8:56 pm
(29) Healing in Colorado says:

I divorced my BPD spouse after eight years of marriage in January 2007. As much as I loved and supported her, the repeated adultery was just too much. After the divorce, she STILL wanted us to be together! I tried everything to make it work (both before AND after the divorce) but after another year her lies and manipulations were too much. In 2008 she toured Canada with a man she said was just a friend. The last time I spoke to her was in Oct 2008, when she was still telling me how we should be together, when I mentioned that I thought she’d be married by now to that man, her reply to me was, “Oh, it didn’t work out.” She “formerly” married that same man on New Year’s Day 2009.

All I can feel now is relief that it’s him now and not me.

If a BPD spouse refuses to acknowledge this illness and refuses to seek help, you should most definitely divorce them before they destroy you.

May 29, 2009 at 11:15 am
(30) justcurious says:

Im wondering how many people who claim to have spouses/partners with BPD, have addictions/issues of their own that they do not want to face. By claiming their partner to have this condition, BPD, or some other mental condition, it makes them feel they look “normal” From what I have read over the years, and lived with~alcoholism/addictive personality, any time the topic can be changed to the other persons mental state, which is clear headed, the topic somehow turns to the person asking the questions, or suggesting counseling, getting help. This is very common of people with any addiction. Focus on the other person to get themselves out of the spotlight. Just a thought…… we all have emotional ups and downs, does not mean we need a label. Its called life

May 29, 2009 at 6:03 pm
(31) Healing in Colorado says:

RE: justcurious

When you ask a BPD spouse if there is anything else you can do to help clean the house, they reply “No”, you ask again SINCERELY and HELPFULLY if there is ANYTHING at all you can do to help, they reply, “No, I’m just going to finish vacuuming these corners,” and you tell them okay because you’ll be outside working in the yard, and 10 minutes later they stomp out to you in the yard screaming at you for leaving them all alone to clean the whole house BY THEMSELVES…

What kind of “co-dependency” issue do you see that as? Just curious.

May 29, 2009 at 8:42 pm
(32) justcurious says:

I believe BPD exists. I just meant sometimes people with addictions, accuse people without addictions, of being mentally ill, in defense to their own problem. It would be nice to know both sides of the relationship, before getting advice to run get a divorce immediately, from a person that may have problems of their own they are not sharing.

May 29, 2009 at 11:20 pm
(33) Healing in Colorado says:

There’s ALWAYS a “specific” example of a “particular” situation. Sure, people with AND WITHOUT addictions make false accusations to make themselves look good, and someone else look bad. You have to look past that.
In a divorce, there are only ever two people who failed. There are no winners in divorce.

The fact remains, that marriage to a BPD spouse is very difficult. Marriage to a BPD spouse who accepts their own personal responsibilities AND seeks long term and CONSISTENT help and treatment is still no guarantee of success, but it’s worth making an effort to make the marriage survive.

Marriage to a BPD spouse who denies their own personal responsibilities, or who blames their spouse for all their troubles (not having any friends, problems on the job, problems at home, etc…) is destined for failure. THESE are the marriages that the non-BPD spouse must get out of as quickly as possible. Remaining in these situations only delays the inevitable break up, with a lot more pain, anguish, heartbreak, and debt.

When a BPD spouse tells you how much they love you, they only mean for that moment. As soon as you leave the room it’s as if they never said it.

June 7, 2009 at 11:54 pm
(34) JD says:

My borderline (wife) would often attempt various provocations until she could find a reaction. Then, when she asked me to leave, she later accused me of abandoning her and our kids, although I only moved down the road, at her request, and a place of her choosing. What they do at times is odd because it is so counter to reality, though they do everything to convince all it is true.

June 8, 2009 at 6:38 pm
(35) Healing in Colorado says:

I need to put as many miles between me and the BPDX before she begins destroying her current marriage. I DO NOT want to be an “option” to “help her” get through her next “tough time”. If her life up to now is any kind of indication, she should start to make false accusations against him and begin treating him like #### by the end of this summer (18 – 24 months since she first met him).

Found another great resource for spouse’s of BPD’s. Click here or follow the link: http://shrink4men.wordpress.com

Wish there’d been this much available information years ago…

June 10, 2009 at 2:00 pm
(36) Rob says:

I’m married to a girl with BPD, and I knew about the BPD before we even got engaged. Yes its difficult, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? To me it is. There are times when I really feel like I can’t take it anymore, but they only last a few hours at most. I have far more happy memories than sad ones from this relationship. Its so easy for people to say run, but not every BPD sufferer is the same, not every relationship is the same. My wife has made a lot of effort in trying to control her BPD. We still have massive arguments sometimes, but I’d be lying if I said they were always her fault. Putting all the blame on to someone just because they are ill is shameful. It takes two people to have a relationship, and two people for a relationship to fail.

June 11, 2009 at 3:01 pm
(37) Crystal says:

Wow, Thank you all for the information. I have been married to a man with BPD for over 1 year now and I am so unhappy. What I have to go through to ensure he feels safe and comfortable is crazy! Sometimes the personal insults regarding my weight are out of control. This relationship has had such a huge negative effect on my perception of myself and life in general! For a few days he will act one way and for a few days he will act another way and he just flips back and forth! I have been fighting the good fight to keep my marriage alive and healthy.

Do any of you have to do almost everything for your loved one? I scheduled his medical appointments, remind him of meetings and sometimes I have to answer his phone and respond to his emails and text messages. And he expects me to know what he is thinking and respond to his needs and care for his comfort level when he has not even told me what he needs!

June 15, 2009 at 11:04 am
(38) married to a border.line says:

Living hell,

you hit the nail on the head. We’ve been through years of therapy and several therapists (borderlines will usually start out convincing the therapist you are crazy, but over time the therapist wises up, then the Borderline quits). the one thing I have learned that works is “broadening the circle” I’ve been accused of molesting my daughter 3 times over the last two years (her brother is on trial for doing that, but that’s another story). each time she has done that, I have sent numerous emails to friends and family asking for their support that I am a good father. What has happened is, over time, even though the rage has not left her, she is more careful with her attacks knowing I bring everyone in. It is the only thing that I have found that keeps the rage contained.

June 18, 2009 at 2:17 pm
(39) skumar says:

I am in the process of getting divorce with my BPD wife. She is a “Hi functioning BPD”. It is she who asked for divorce and left me but later she changed her mind when I said OK for it. She then stared spreading rumors that I am torturing her sexually, physically and financilly. She has made her parents to belive her stories. She has created a picture amoung our comunity that I am a villian. She even made some of my friends to belive her stories. On the other had she is making frantic effort to get me back. She left voice mail that she is taking responsibility for all her behavior (Only to me) but still continuing to spread the rumor. She is now threatning to not give divorce till her life. I am determined to get divorce if that is not possible I am ready to live alone rather than living in that hell ( It was a real hell for 2 years). I am a doctor and I am not able to recover from PTSD. Is there any one with similar experince out there. Give me some clue how long will she have the hope that she can try persuade me and get me back (I swear it wont happen). Is there any chance for me to get divorce.

June 20, 2009 at 5:58 pm
(40) CPT M says:

To start I really appreciate most of the posts on here.. they really run the gamut of what is really going on with BPD and non BPD folks… but seem to be “sufferers” all the same. I BELEIVE that I am living with a BPD wife a lot of the rage and denial that Iv e read about on here is exactly what is going on in my house. As a military officer and a “fixer” of all problems big and small I have found one that I cannot fix myself. I love my wife very much and I love my career very much and the two are not mixing. Try as I might to love her and help her, the help doesnt come fast enough or strong enough to work and I am sick and tired of professionals telling me to get divorced. Getting out of the blame game a bit… I cheated on her, trying to find “normal” and that is so wrong that I cannot forgive myself, but Ive now given her something to latch on to during a tirade… I also have PTSD from multiple tours to Iraq (I know the last post mentioned PTSD as well so I sympathize) and living with my own issues, I know that I am not being as supportive as I need to be to her and for that I am ashamed, but I feel that our only hope is seperation… We have 1 kid and one on the way so I seeking desperatley to find some hope here. There is a lot of blame to go around and I have a naive hope that somehow we can fix this, but I lose hope everyday….

June 22, 2009 at 3:11 pm
(41) skumar says:

Hi CPT M,
Your are not alone and there is lot of us here suffering/ suffered like you. I appreciate you for wanting to be supportive to your wife. You can not win her in getting the appreciation for all the care and support you show to her. Do as much as possible and expect the negative comments and blame. Dont take the meaning of her words as such. Do what is possible from your heart. If you think of seperating from her – Reconsider it as she is expecting a baby and she probably need your help the most. Your art the best judge. If things goes beyond your tolarable limits come out of that hell.

June 22, 2009 at 10:33 pm
(42) bpdspouse says:

living with a BPD for 25 yrs. I love him very much. He is tearing our family apart with his raging agression. He has been to a therapist but has stopped. Sometimes he forgets to take his meds…boy you can tell! I am a happy person, looking to the sun. But he has a way to make you feel as aweful as he does. You always do something wrong no matter how hard you try to prevent an episode. He constantly lives in the past and focuses around his father, his dislike for his mother and his upsetting childhood. It almost like he’s trying to ensure his children relive his life.

I wish i was invited to one of his therapy sessions to tell the therapists what its like living with my BPD spouse. Maybe he would hear what I am saying with a third person in the room.

BPD’s can tear you down over the years and you finally reach a point where you can’t find the energy to continue supporting the BPD no matter how much you love them. You need to find some energy to care for yourself.

June 23, 2009 at 9:52 am
(43) Healing in Colorado says:

Don’t become a co-dependent spouse, and don’t believe that the longer you remain with a BPD spouse the better the chances are that they will “recover” or “treat you better”.

BPD’s are the way that they are. IF you’ve ever felt that you are holding up your end AND their end of your marriage, or if you’ve ever felt that each day you are married to the BPD – they have “one foot outside the door”, save yourself.

If you have children with a BPD, you are teaching them how to become a co-dependent and how to “marginalize” their own sense of self and their own happiness. Do you really want your children to be as unhappy as you are?

You can never recover the time you spent trying to make things work out with a BPD.

June 24, 2009 at 3:13 pm
(44) Infuriated says:

As someone recently diagnosed (after decades of different diagnoses and erroneous, damaging medications) with BPD and still married to a wonderful woman, all I can say after reading this is:

You people sound like a deluded echo chamber.

Some are true, I have no doubt. And some are bull. I have no doubt.

BPD people are the way they are because of things that have happened. I’m a seriously damaged individual that struggles to get out of bed on a daily basis and has lost every job he’s ever had despite trying his damndest. After 31 years I can’t do it anymore. I search the web for help and I find this absolute hatred.

It only validates my supposedly irrational thoughts that no one truly gives a shit about anyone else and the world is a cold and lonely place.

BPD? It’s a reactionary defense (albiet supposedly an incorrect one)

One of the biggest obstructions is the stigma that comes with the label and all the majority of you people are doing are validating that here. “They lie, they scheme, they manipulate.” How about we react?

I’m a pretty bright guy, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing when I’m mis-diagnosed and forced onto various medications that don’t help and don’t do anything to help while Dr.s play with their God complex and don’t listen to feedback because we’re all “liars, schemers, and manipulators”.

Treatment? Hah! No one wants to touch a BPD except a clinic and they’ll drop you as fast as they can.

But it’s the person with BPD. Yeah, definetly their fault for it all. They can’t be frustrated. That’s only for you worn out souls who had the misfortune of dealing with them or loving them in the first place.

It seems it’s never your fault, just the person with the diagnosis. I’d think you both have your issues. Hell, I’d bet serious money on it.

June 28, 2009 at 12:31 am
(45) INSAINE says:

Help!!! I am married to a person that I truley love but after years of trying to understand and help I was confronted the past week that she had cheated. She has been adhd since she was a kid. mother died at the age of 12 father was a drug addict that kicked her and her brother out to the street. She has had a hard life but has made it so much harder. I have read up on this but at this point I do not know what to do. Part of me is relieved but the other part knows that she will spiral into a mess and I don’t want to see that happen, I’m just an idiot in Love with a crazy person. I blew up and through all of her stuff out on the hwy kicked her out. But after I calmed down I realized she gets herself in situations that snowball and doesn’t know how to get out…. UGHHHHH This really Sucks.
I wish I had never met her, but too late for that.
I have put up with the violent behavor, outburst, suicide talk, doc., med, negitive thouhts and attitudes. And always reasured her that it would be ok and that I know what she said she didn’t mean. I tried to get her to see things in a different light.
But I am the one sitting on the computer tonight wondering how or if I am going to fix this one.
She has ran everyone else off.
She is so much like a kid, when she screws up she runs instead of taking responsibility and leaves total distruction behind her.

July 27, 2009 at 3:03 pm
(46) RK says:

Hello, I appreciate any helpful comments. I’ve been married to my wife for 3 years and this is a second marriage for both of us. We have no kids together.
I have learned over the past several months that she has BPD. I have lived a massive roller coaster with her for 4 years and I plan to leave now.
MY question is this: Although I believe that she has BPD and she does too, she does not seem like this monster that some of you have portrayed. I don’t believe that she will be so vicious when I leave. Am I deluding myself? Can some BPD’s be fairly reasonable about a split because it seems like she will in the talks that we’ve had?

July 29, 2009 at 7:26 am
(47) MikeNJ says:

RK:

Yes, you ARE deluding yourself, and it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. We’ve all gone through this with our BPD spouses, and as you yourself mentioned, you’re always on that roller coaster. And, probably being the optimist that we all would like to be, you HOPE that your split will go well…

My advice to you is this: EXPECT the worst, but hope for the best. This way, if things go very bad, you’ll be ready for it. Plus, as others have mentioned, when YOU make the decision with FINALITY to assert some CONTROL over the situation, your BPD partner will first play the “don’t leave me” card, then will flip ala Jekyll/Hyde to the “I’ll ruin you” monster.

Here’s another incredibly valuable resource for you:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

Please read not only the stories, but the comments for insight into what to expect.

August 4, 2009 at 12:15 am
(48) BeatenDown says:

I’m in the process of leaving a BPD spouse, I have an infant daughter, things have turned violent, and I just can’t do it to her and have her live a life like this. Sometimes I start to feel guilty, like I’m abandoning him or something or not giving him enough chances. This, despite 2 years of a marriage (and 5 years of a relationship) where I’ve been emotionally and verbally abused, called the worst names imaginable, been threatened, been torn down — all for a man who I’ve supported (financially, emotionally, in every way possible) since the day I met him. I’ve made appointments for him with doctors/theraptists and he would alwasy refuse to go at the last minute. Now he’s turned even uglier and it’s become physically violent and I am RUNNING for my life to get myself and my daughter away so that we can live a normal life with love, respect, and kindness in our home. If I were to stay, there would be only yelling, screaming, abuse — all for no reason. I feel badly for my soon to be ex because on some level I know he can’t help his behavior, but if someone won’t get help when they know they are hurting themselves and others (including a baby who is witnessing abuse every day), then you have to move on and get away from it.

August 14, 2009 at 5:40 pm
(49) FacingReality says:

My story is like many posted here. To the last poster, BeatenDown, I hope for the best for you and your daughter.

I’m going to post a little more detail than most here. It may be academic, but it’s also therapeutic.

My wife was raped by her brother for years as a child. Although I knew this, I had no idea what lie hidden beneath this beautiful woman I fell in love with. And through all the signs, I just could not accept them, because frankly I was in denial that anyone could be so blatantly cruel and mean.

Before our marriage, my mother offended my wife, for which my mother was banned from the wedding- I acquiesced .

While planning how we would live together, we determined that we could not afford the house we wanted for a year after we were to be wed. When I suggested an apartment for that year, she scoffed that she would not live in an apartment, as that would give her first husband something to snicker at. We did not live together for our first year of marriage.

When we began living together, EVERYTHING had to be her way, from the milk I drank to the toothpaste I used to the color of the walls, etc.

I am a great negotiator and diplomat, but even the slightest expression of my desires or, God forbid, disagreement, I was met with the most horrible verbal attacks imaginable. I was called homosexual/faggot, autistic, chronic depressive, etc. Not once did I retaliate. When I tried to leave the room, she would physically grab me and wedge herself against the door. I could only escape if I were to use all my strength and break the door or hurt one of us. So I didn’t. Then after months of this pain, I made a terrible mistake. On one such occassion, I felt so trapped, I physically picked my wife up and carried her out of the room, closing the door behind her. She called the police, and although there wasn’t a mark on her, the police kindly told me that that was battery and arrested me. She threw the book at me (as one poster correctly pointed out, the system, although I don’t believe is designed for it, can be severely abused as a tool against an adversary). False allegations in statements to police, an injuction from her and the house, the whole nine yards… but only to come back to me and want to reconcile the marriage. Dazed, I agreed.

My legal troubles were cleared up, and we started going to marital counseling. Nothing really got addressed and she didn’t “see the point” in going after several sessions. The counselor later explained to me that the marriage could never work because she took absolutely zero accountabiliy for anything in the marriage. She also explained the liklihood that my wife had BPD. I was upset that my counselor did not confront my wife with that before, but she said it wouldn’t have done any good. I don’t know about that, but it’s water under the bridge now.

Because my wife claimed I had autism, I volunteered to see a specialist chosen by her, who after 30 min. stated with an obvious bewilderment that I did not in fact have any sort of autism/ASD. This did not wake my wife up, and she simply moved on to another diagnosis- chronic depression. Ironically, many of the experiences I went threw with her certainly caused me to be depressed.

And then she moved on to my daughters (from a previous marriage), telling them they had psychologiical problems.

There is so much more, as I’m sure anyone here can imagine. I finally made the decision to divorce her a few months ago. Although it hasn’t gotten extremely ugly, she is making some painful allegations, which I can only hope her lawyer is telling her will not help- good thing being in a no-fault state. It is close to the end now, and I pray for a peaceful ending.

Along the way, she would occassionally show signs of recognizing something was wrong with her. She several times apologized for her wild emotional swings. She once cried that she thought she had a brain tumor. Another time she began experimenting with mood swing herbal medicines. All along desparaging her own personal appearance and habitual shopping habits. I would always support her and never once chided her for anything. I always told her how beautiful she was- and she is. I once tried to suggest that she investigate the possibility that a counselor evaluate and help her, as I thought she might have issues related to her childhood abuse, possibly BPD (I actually consulted three professionals on this, but only the marital counselor had seen my wife several times).

To no avail. She simply shrugged it off. And the same things she apologized for the day before were repeated again and again.

I still love her, and it hurts like hell to let her go. My counselor made the analogy to an alcoholic. She may be worth my love, but she is too destructive to be with. And until she herself realizes she needs help, she will continue to waste her life.

What a crying shame. She is otherwise such a beautiful person.

August 27, 2009 at 6:03 pm
(50) Kiran says:

Hello,

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was a teenager. During the process my parents went through a separation of 5-6 years. I did lie to feel important and wanted. But, I was young back then however in the process I did hurt a lot of people and I realize now how wrong I was. Its been 9 years now and I wish to get help. The first step I took was to tell the man I so deeply love that I did lie to him about a lot of things but mostly because I was embarrassed to tell him about my BPD and later about the symptoms I had developed regarding Avoidant Personality Disorder. I told him all the truth and I told him that I did love him so very deeply but I didn’t think myself fit for marriage yet. He’s such a wonderful man, but he’s angry now and I don’t know what to do because I don’t think he’ll ever want to speak to me. I can’t imagine my life without him. He’s my love of 8 years and vice versa, I guess. I do wish he does not feel a continued aversion towards me and considers being with me because he’s the only man I can ever imagine spending my ENTIRE life with! Haider, I Love You! I will always love you!

Only Yours!

August 28, 2009 at 2:26 am
(51) Kiran says:

It’s morning and still haven’t heard anything from him! I don’t know…I was under the impression that doing the right thing is supposed to make you feel better. So wrong! I thought by acknowledging my problem and my mistaktes I would be taking a step forward, taking a step towards emotionl recovery, which I feel is important for BPD’s. But I’m all alone. My parents never acknowledged my BPD and never payed any attention to it nor did they take the Doctor’s word seriously. They are just full of it! (long story) I LITERALLY have NO friends! and now I’ve even lost the Man I love. I now feel I should’ve never told him about my BPD or anything at all. I was so happy and I feel like I ruined everything. All I said was that I didn’t feel ready to get married YET. But, apparrantly, he doesn’t have time because he’s 28 and is eager to get married and settle down. However, I later did acknowledge my mistake and said that I am wlling to do whatever it takes because I do love him so very much but haven’t heard from him since. My family expects me to take care of all the expenditures of my enagagement and my wedding, pretty elaborate and costly functions in our Country. So, I expressed my fear ONLY because of this reason since I already have tons of reponsibilities on me but later I said I’d do everything I can but he still hasn’t responded. Being a BPD is hard people. We try and some times people just don’t get it. He’ll probably get married by this December as per his and his family’s wishes! Well, good luck and God Bless!

Some people have friends and family members to suppport them through heartbreaks and they can mostly function normally through life because of their love and support and some don’t have that kind of association. Unfortunately, I don’t and I am simply clueless at this point!

August 28, 2009 at 12:18 pm
(52) Kiran says:

Well, I’m still trying but so far he hasn’t responded so it’s pretty much killing me! Maybe I should leave him alone maybe that’s what he wants right now. Maybe I should just face the music and realize that what I said was wrong and I shouldn’t have told him that I wasn’t ready for marriage yet. I do love him but I was at such a low point and I’ve NEVER disclosed my BPD problem or acted out in any way infront of him because I always feared losing him and thats EXACTLY what happened. :( Such a mess! I Love him So Much!

August 28, 2009 at 1:20 pm
(53) Kiran says:

What I don’t understand is I’ve basically struggled ALL my life and still am. I’ve wanted to get better but had NO support from anywhere especially not my family and well friends I eventually disconnected with and they never knew of my problem and now I really did want to just get better and I am alone again. How to sail through this? I have absolutely no idea! I tried my best to apologize and let him know that I do love him. I’ve had BPD episodes but I was alone at the time so only my doctor knows how bad it can be but I mostly control myself for the people I love because I know if I let my anger out of control, it can be very bad. But I just needed a little extra support to get through this. Now, I feel like I’m stuck with this curse forever becase without him I see no point to anything! I wish to recover but there is no reason to recover, it seems!

August 28, 2009 at 2:31 pm
(54) Kiran says:

Ok! So he finally replied to my e-mail! I’m kind of happy. I am trying my best to fully convince him that I am absolutely committed to ‘US’. Hoping to get a positive and loveable response from his side now! :D

August 28, 2009 at 6:50 pm
(55) Kiran says:

YES! :D We are talking again! I am so in Love in with him! and I’ll make every possible effort to make sure he always knows that! :)

August 31, 2009 at 3:47 pm
(56) Tee says:

Kiran, if your boyfriend knows what is good for him, he’ll run for the hills and never look back. I just buried a son who was married to a BPD for only 3 years – she convinced him he was a worthless bag of garbage and the last thing she said to him was the best thing he could do was die…she finally made a believer out of him and he did. She spent the last 3 years ruining his reputation with false accusations, flying into inappropriate,venomous rages, and telling him frequently how “sick” he was. Sadly, she interspersed that with a false charming self – enough for him to believe that one day he could fix things and she would forever be charming. To anyone considering marrying a BPD, DON”T!!!!! RUN!! You may think you can handle it, but trust me, life with a BPD is insanity in it’s purest form and you, too, will be sucked into it.

August 31, 2009 at 4:11 pm
(57) skumar says:

Hi Tee, I feel teribly sorry for you. I lived like your son married to a BPD for 2 years and I decided to end my life but the fear of death did not allow me to do that. But that made me to realize what is actually happening. It took 2 years to understand she is behaving so weard because of BPD- even though I am a doctor and read many times about BPD. I decided insted of dying let me get the courage and fight her till the end. I am now facing horrible leagal battel with her. She is so determined that she has tarnished my name in my community to the extent, one could not imagine, but still claiming she will live only with me. I have determined to fight till the end. I feel I have survived a Bad cancer but still living with bad sequelae. I can feel the amount of pain your son would have undergone. Sri

August 31, 2009 at 8:37 pm
(58) Jess says:

I have gone thru this and it is really tough, if you would like to talk about it, check out my blog…. http://justjess-startingover.blogspot.com/

Thanks

September 9, 2009 at 2:47 am
(59) Former Ohioan says:

After 26 years of hell, lies, deception, manipulation, and serial infidelity, I finally ran for my life! I now live in New York and am trying to start over, but my BPD ex continues to torment me from afar. He has messed with my medical insurance, tried to ruin my credit, has lied to my friends and our children (who know he is a psychotic and don’t believe a word he says, but still it plays on their minds), is causing me additional legal expense to force him to follow the divorce decree (he is very wealthy and does this only to cause me anguish) and I can tell it’s really wearing me down. I can’t believe he continues to torture me, and I can’t believe I can’t seem to stop being shocked at the new, lower levels to which he’ll stoop to hurt me. It’s really wearing me down. How do you guys survive? Sometimes I just want to jump off a tall building to end the pain of his existence in my life. I find myself wishing terrible things upon him just so my children and I can have peace. This thinking makes me no better than him, and then I feel such shame. I need him to leave me alone, but because he is such a skilled liar it would be nearly impossible to prove in court the things he does are intentional (although his past track record proves to me, my attorney and my grown children it absolutely is torture by design), he claims “mistakes”, “I don’t remember”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, “she’s crazy”, etc., etc., etc. OMG, I finally get away from him and his emotional and physical abuse, yet he still manages to make my life a living hell. Goodness, I can’t believe all the stuff I just unloaded. You can tell I’m reeling… I’m struggling just to make it through the day now… I have no idea from where the next hit is coming! I need a hug.

September 9, 2009 at 1:15 pm
(60) I'mback says:

It is strange to read so many stories similar to my experience. It makes me see the pattern that I failed to see for so long.
I have been in relation with a high functioning BP for over nine years, I left the relationship a year ago. We have two kids together. In that time she convinced me I had depression, projected hatred of my parents onto her, was emotionally handicapped among a lot off other things. I agreed on seeing professional help, even trying medicin for my depression. After about half a year my psychiatrist suggested that there was not that much wrong with me, and that we might want to think of relationship counselling. My partners suggestion was that I tried to find a proper therapist. When we finally went to relationship counseling she bluntly refused to talk about anything, when we got home she would blame me for only talking about “my stuff” (wich actually I did just to keep the peace, cause really anything I would say, however mildly put, she would see as an attack)
In the end there was nothing left of me. I hit rock bottom.
I’m not self indulgent, but I liked myself before all this stuff started happening, that person was completely gone.
I’ve been on my own for a year now, building myself up again, and the last year felt really good, I finally have my life back.

September 18, 2009 at 7:00 am
(61) BPD activist says:

i am deeply saddened that so many of you assume that all miserable people think that all bpd people can be tarred with the same brush it is almost as ridiculous as saying all gay men fancy every man they come into contact with. How victorian of you all. you know many people have made bpd relationships work and really well if you have love its not as hard, still a struggle but not as hard. some bpd sufferers are manipulative and liars, but you must remember many non bpd sufferers are manipulative and liars, this is not a characteristic trait of bpd this is just a general personality flaw. i have bpd and there are not many people who know me who would not say how relaxed, understanding and giving a person I am, i often in fact try so hard to make everyone else happy and it doesn’t work that this is where the stress and freak out problem occurs because I don’t get anything back. You seem to make out that bpd is like the compulsion to lie mental illness, or are some nasty group of manipulative revenge seekers. you are cruel and judgemental which is exactly what exagerrated the initial bpd paranoia. well done. although i would mention a quick thank you to those few that have actually bothered to stick around and try and help and give a damn because the small actions you provide go a long way for all bpd sufferers.

September 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm
(62) Nan says:

As individuals struggling with relationships with someone with BPD, those here are discussing specific incidents within their own experience. What individuals must deal with has little to do with traits present in a group as a whole.

September 23, 2009 at 3:25 pm
(63) MikeNJ says:

BPD Activist, spare me the “woe is me” nonsense.

You say: “you know many people have made bpd relationships work and really well if you have love its not as hard, still a struggle but not as hard.” REALLY? 20 years of marriage? 20 years of loving my BPD/NPD wife, regardless of her issues? 20 years of catering to her every whim? Struggle? Buddy, you have NO idea what a struggle is, until you’re a “non” who lives with a NPD for 20 years!

You also mention this: “…how relaxed, understanding and giving a person I am, i often in fact try so hard to make everyone else happy and it doesn’t work that this is where the stress and freak out problem occurs because I don’t get anything back.” Ah yes, the old narcissism aspect of BPD…why oh why does EVERYTHING involve some measure of reciprocity? Can’t just “give” for giving’s sake?

Part of the problem with BPD is that the sufferers (and YES, I do acknowledge that they DO suffer) is that they fail to recognize the carnage and emotional wreckage that they cause…and some of us who have dealt with it just can’t do it anymore. I have complete SYMPATHY for BPDs, but I cannot have EMPATHY, as that will simply add yet one more person to the list of misery…no thanks!

Lastly, this “myths” page (http://bpd.about.com/od/forfamilyandfriends/a/bpdmyths.htm)is full of myths as well…for example, #5 states that “…88% of BPDs go into remission within 10 years…” EXCUSE ME? Here’s why:

—This apparently assumes that the BPD person gets a diagnosis, AND is willing to get into therapy (DBT);
—And what about the spouse/family during this ten year period? Are they just supposed to deal with it, just as they’ve done for decades prior?

Believe me, I’m not trying to be judgemental, but when you’re married to a BPD/NPD, they can take the most outgoing, happy, and satisfied person and beat them down into a withdrawn, miserable, and emotionless shell of their former selves. But hey, let’s just spread the misery around, right?

Hey, I honestly hope you get better, and life is good for you, but do NOT attempt to make ME and others who have lived through Hell feel guilty about sharing our stories.

September 23, 2009 at 4:49 pm
(64) wag says:

Wow, where do i start? Reading all the blogs and watching the videos have been like someone throwing cold water on my face! I came across the information on BPD’s by accident after a huge fight on Sat. with my husband, just one of the many fights we have had, they seem to be getting worst this time getting more physical by him ripping off trim around our bedroom doorway and throwing it at the lamp on the bedside table next to the bed where I was sitting!! Of course, everything went crashing down on the floor including the lamp and accessories, then he threw the trash can at me along with the remote controls. In addition to screaming at me at the top of his lungs, well, at least this time he is not in my face while he is screaming and frailing his arms around.
How did I get to this place? it was such a slow long term process. He is a child of a military father with a very timid mother (who has been disgnosed with bipolar), his father would scream in his face as a child (military tactics to tear someone down) and he picked up that behavior.He has also always had a drug/alcohol problem since he was a teenager, he is a binge drinker who uses his drinking as a revenge tool to get “even” with me or to make me angry because he knows how angry it makes me, plus strippers, he would give money away to strippers to impress everyone about how “rich and wealthy” he is, oh like he earns the money all by himself…we own a company together and both work in the business! I have some many broken items that I can’t remember how many items have been damaged…picture frames,clock broken, dining room chair slammed against the wall, book thrown a mirror on a dresser shattering the mirror, dishes broken etc. I just walk over all the trash and broken items and leave them there, I refuse to clean or pick anything up, it can stay there forever until he cleans. He gets obsessed about demanding me to apologize for the slightest little comment or look, I have to be very careful about how I answer any questions or how I respond to his voice, I have always felt like I have to walk on eggshells around him to prevent an argument over the simplest comments. I am constantly being corrected on how to do things and he is “teaching” me, like he knows everything.
I just assumed that he had a anger problem along with being alcoholic/drug addict, he has promised me over and over and over again to stop drinking, he has for 1 1/2 years and now he is drinking again under the guise that ‘”he can control it” and he wants to drink socially, but he wants to do it almost every night, not just at parties and dinners with friends. Now, I think he is BPD, at least he has alot of the symptoms i read. I know he is trying to over power me and I refuse to be controlled by him,i will not give in to his demands or be intimated by his physical rages/outbursts. I don’t know what is going to happen next, we are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms, he has apologized about sat. night many times but it just bounces off me,heard it all before. He said he hated me, called me every name in the book (even the c word)and now he loves me soooo much!!

September 25, 2009 at 5:24 pm
(65) Tiff says:

I was hoping someone out there could help out and maybe shine some light on what i should do. My husband and I have been married for ten years. Recently he was diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety and post traumatic stress. He was discharged from the navy for the BPD but it was never ” officially” diagnosed. He has been violent toward myself in the past and between the two of us there is no trust left. We also have three small children and they are my ONLY concern. I will do what ever needs to be done for them. He seems to be doing better …for now..but who really knows how long it will last this time. So I am trying to figure out if it is best for my children to stay with someone that is mentally ill and has been violent in the past…but is a wonderful daddy the rest of the time or dragging my children threw a divorce that they would not understand…..

September 28, 2009 at 1:40 pm
(66) MikeNJ says:

Tiff, three words: GET OUT NOW!

While each of us “nons” have different levels of tolerance with regard to the verbal and emotional abuse we suffer, PHYSICAL abuse and violence are never, EVER acceptable, period, under ANY circumstance, save self-protection. You CANNOT excuse physical abuse by saying or thinking “well, they have BPD/NPD/whatever…”

Physical violence is a line that may NEVER be crossed-end of discussion.

Get out now, before your children learn that it’s “OK” to use physical threats and violence to “get what one wants” or to “punish” for transgressions, real or imagined…your kids will thank you later.

October 3, 2009 at 12:22 am
(67) santo says:

I too have been married to a suspected high-functioning PBD for 11 years. Looking back, she has had many of the signs of this disorder including being extremely clingy eg. ( calling me 5 times a night if I went out with my friends). This should have been a serious red flag but I overlooked and ignored this because she was so beautiful. However, She has been getting worse and now has erratic mood swings, no sense of responsibility for her actions to me, erractic spending, extremes in thinking eg. black and white, spends too much energy on others drama and is verbally abusive. She was physically abusive once and scratched my arm so deeply that I have scars. Because of these behaviors, me and my children walk on eggshells and cautiously await her next tantrum. The sad thing is that she says that she tries really hard to be calm but cant, but refused to get help. At one point, I stopped doing things outside of the relationship other than work because of this and other behaviors and found myself very co-dependent. I had begun to make new friends and she had made comments about my choice of friends. I told her to stop and to allow me to have my own space and it is evident that she felt threatened by this. I have health problems and think that these are in part, due to the stress of living like this. I have tried to talk to her and express my unhappiness and she does not validate. Instead she points out my inadequacies and uses put downs etc. I am at a point where I am considering separation because we have three children and I dont want them to pick up these negative traits. I am far from perfect but she is ill. I love her and am confused because when things are good, they are wonderful, but when she is on the warpath, she is a monster. My oldest has begun to question my wife’s erratic mood swings and I have been careful not to allow splitting, but have been supportive and acknowledged her confusion and concern. They have thrived in this environment and all are healthy and well-adjusted for now because I have tried my best to compensate for her ambivalent bonding. Her mother and grandmother have these same personality traits and are verbally and emotionally abusive to their husbands and I now see this pattern in her. I changed careers and obtained my master’s degree in mental health in order to make sense of this, to help understand why I chose her as my mate, and to hopeful help client’s and their families cope with this and other MI. The thing is that I now have insight and cant see staying with her b/c I want stability for me and my children. The problem is that I know that she would make my life a living hell if I “abandon her”. To fellow spouses of BPD, I understand completely.

October 9, 2009 at 6:46 pm
(68) dealing with abuse says:

BPD is a very serious condition which affects the borderline and the people around him or her. The BPD experiences extreme fears of abandonment. He/She will create chaos in the lives of others around them to prevent any real or imagined abandonment. The BPD has a fluctuating sense of self not truly defined-like taking a cake out of the oven that is not yet baked. Yes, they lie and manipulate to the extreme. They are ruthless when faced with the possibility of abandonment. The BPD will destroy all those around that he/she loves. He/She will become self-destructive, cutting, suicidal, and threaten injury to others. The BPD does not have any “in-betweens” a person is either good or bad, black or white, therefore they will love them then flip to hating them then back to loving them again. This continual flip/flop is abusive. It is true that the BPD is suffering. The BPD cannot “get” to the love they need for themselves and their behaviors are what prevent them them from receiving and giving love. A BPD is very dangerous to his/her spouse. BPD’s when divorced are the ones most likely to kill their spouse. A relationship with a BPD is not fun but abusive. I would never want a relationship with a BPD. Not a friendship nor any other type of relationship. They cannot connect to others emotionally and therefore cannot be supportive nor caring consistently. I have a child right now who I am wondering if she is possibly BPD. Her emotions are unstable and I have been called concerning self-destructive behaviors in the past. Her mother has several signs of BPD as well. Including a rape when she was young. BPD depict their own lives as filled with negativity and they are the victims in this drama. They do not have appropriate boundaries. Anyone who is involved with a BPD and makes an attempt at protecting themselves through appropriate boundaries will have to face the wrath of the BPD. Self protecting boundaries bring up the abandonment issues all over again. Stay away from anyone who is BPD. Let them receive treatment. Over time through therapy and taking the knocks of life the disorder does seem less pronounced. BPD’s cannot be engaged in a behaviorial Health inpatient setting-if they are in that environment they divide the staff and become dependent.

October 12, 2009 at 7:55 pm
(69) Missyummy says:

hi. My ex and I have 2 children and I just recently learned he has BPD. I have known him for almost 6 years. we have a 4 year old and a newborn baby. He was in the military and went awol and i guess for this reason he was released. He has cheated and lie to me so many times. To the point that he conceived a child with another girl who he says he never wanted to do that, he actually left me for that girl and once he found out she was pregnant came back to me. I didnt forgive him for months but he convinced me he loved me and wanted to make a family with me and our inly child at the time. We started a relationship and he promised me he would never lie or especially sleep with that girl the one he had a kid with. However in December 2008 i became pregnant and almost immediately he became distant. We had numerous fights and he just pretty much stay away and i was so sad but i thought we woud be fine, i broke up wiht him to to make him see what he had lost. However when i was 6 pregnant he told me he was diagnosed in the military with bpd and thats why he is the way he is, that he wishes he could live a normla life like his brothers who are all married that he would never cheat when he gets marry like his dad cheated on his mom.i tried to be there for him but i guess it was too late because days late the girl he had a kid with contacted me telling me she was pregnant again. I pretty much was devastated and scream and yelled at him over the phone. He tried to calm me down and once i told him i was glad i broke up with him, that he is a loser, bpd and premature ejaculator he said he though i knew that girl was pregnant and that he wasnt with her or with me but with another girl who was pregnant. omg i couldnt believe it. i just kept insulting him by text messages, months passed and the day before i gave birth this past august was the last time we spoke. He said he changed his phone number, but that was just another one of his lies. I called him a couple of days ago and got his answering machine. I am so sad, because he didnt come to the hospital when i was in labor and hasnt even care to meet our new baby who is now 6 weeks old. its as if we never happened in his life. I cant understand it. I though maybe he lied about having bpd, that it was just an excuse to avoid responsability and break up with me, but i think he is seriously sick. I have read so much about bpd, i am an expert by now, i want to console myself. its like it brings peace to my life to know he messed up and is not my fault. i hope im not trying to excuse him.He must be sick because no matter how bad a human being is can do the things he can coldly do, like not caring for his newborn baby. I dont even know why im writing here, i guess i wanted to let all m frustrations out. I am so upset that he knew he had this condition fo years now and never told me, he knew he woudl always be this way, that he would never comitt and be stable, but he lied to me. made me believe he wanted to move in together and that he was trying to change. I honestly believed he was just immature but finally wanted to settle down and have a family together. but that will never happen. Here i am a single mother, he works off the books if he doesnt not to pay child support. he doesnt even care to come visit our children. I know him so well that I know that once i see him on December for child support his feelings will come back, because is always been this way. When im not around he hates me and forgets the love he shows me when we are together. I know that is going to be hard for me to deal with this because once he sees me he wants to be close to me but i deserve more and i could never forgive him for all the cheating and lying and especially for not being there for our kids. I really dont know what to do with my life, i still love him but here and there i text me to call him bpd, psycho and premature ejaculator, that i hate him for not being there for our kids and especially our yougest baby birth. He gets my messages and says nothing. its been like this since august 27th, the last time we spoke. I dont know whats going on in his mind, i guess he is happy having sex with all the women he meets while i work and take care of his kids.(the ones he has with me out of God knows how many more all over ny. This is a nightmare. I think i need my own psychiatrist to overcome this trauma.

October 18, 2009 at 11:59 am
(70) Enlightened says:

I’ve been divorced from my ex for nearly 3 years (marriaged for 2 yrs but separated for half that time). For years I have wondered and been puzzled over some of the things I experienced with my ex wife. All I know is I felt belittled, less of a man, and that everything was my fault. We even had a episode of a physical exchange where she clearly hit my face with a closed fist….and yet she accused me of being physically abusive!!! I’ve had to deal with the lies she told my family, friends, etc. and I felt so alone. Getting divorced was the best thing that could have ever happpen!!!! After nearly 3 years of being divorced I have now discovered through research that my ex probably has BPD (or at least a nacissic). Now, it all makes sense and it now gives me something to pray for when I think of her. I really pray for her deliverance.

October 18, 2009 at 4:52 pm
(71) iseethelight says:

My main question is why did it take my son telling me, I think Dad is a BPD, and then researching this before I saw my life. As with many, he was abused as a child, never felt cared for or loved, what a pity for such an intelligent, funny guy. I always knew it wasn’t me, though I certainly gave that caretaker role my best shot. After 30 years of marriage I have given up. No more “just one more chance” because I really fear that another round of these abusive behaviors will kill me. This last episode was worse than anything I have ever been thru and my tolerance is quite high. He has fractured the family, and done so much irrepairable damage. At this age, I thought we didn’t have to deal with this junk any more, but it seems that without the early proper help BPD may not lessen with age. You can’t love them into mental health. I am filing for divorce, and am so sad, but feel that it is the only thing that I can do.

October 25, 2009 at 1:16 am
(72) Sammi says:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself people. Borderline personality disorder is a problem but not a life sentence. The symptoms linger as long as you refuse to accept responsibility for them. You can choose to take responsibility of your life and emotions and stop reacting poorly and making bad decesions. THe diagnosis is not an excuse to ruin your life. People with borderline are immatue (I am one ). They tend to be over sencitive but need to take ownership of their lives and put the past behind them as best they can. WE all cant go though lives bear hugging our inner child. Yes, it hurts, we have pain but so do a lot of people. Get on meds, get in therapy but live your life and stop using whatever label you have as an excuse to do nothing.

October 28, 2009 at 1:32 am
(73) Wayne says:

This is my first comment on this site…my wife was diagnosed with BPD several months ago but has suffered with it for 14 or so years. She’s 48 and I’m 52.

I’m her fourth husband, and she left me 1-1/2 weeks ago. I’m ok with her leaving because this is the third time she’s left in just over 4 years of marriage. We dated on and off for 4-1/2 years prior to getting married. Yes, I saw all of her symptoms of BPD before I married her, but I naively thought I could help her “heal”. Unfortunately, the BPD has to want to heal before they will actually seek treatment. All of your good intentions won’t make them want to get help. My wife didn’t.

I’m just tired of putting up with all of her drama, lies, cheating, and leaving. She admitted to me many times that she has left everyone that she has ever gotten close to. That was a red flag that I thought wouldn’t apply to me. Wrong. She left all four of her husbands, most through cheating, she abandoned her son (from her second marriage), and she has abandoned every pet she has ever had (several dogs and cats).

I’d like to feel sorry for my wife given that she was abandoned by her parents at age 3-4, and was possibly sexually abused by her adoptive caretakers. But, she has never, ever owned up to the fact that she has BPD and gone for treatment. She’s seen a dozen counselors but managed to convince all of them that she was ok so that they’d tell her how good she was doing.

Many of you have asked if BPD people lie. My wife is unequivocally a pathological liar. She can look me straight in the face and lie to me without blinking an eye. It’s second nature ot her. Lying is like breathing to her.

My wife can be high functioning for about 6 months maximum and then she falls part. Everything is a crisis with her. She has been bulimic since her early teens. She picks at zits on her face with a metal instrument until she bleeds and it leaves scars. She filed for bankruptcy 7 years ago – owed about $350,000. She has often said she doesn’t know who she really is. She has threatened suicide many times. She sees life and experiences as black and white – there is no middle groud with her. She is jealous of any and all of my contacts outside of our marriage and she has succeeded in alienating me from my family and friends.

I haven’t been a saint in our marriage. At first I tried to console her and talk with her during her raging fits of jealousy, but I eventually just got tired and started arguing with her. Of course, that only made things worse. I’m guilty of thinking that I’m special enough to save her, but I’m obviously not.

So, given my experiences, my advice to all of you is to never assume that you have the “special” qualities it might take to help a BPD heal. You probably don’t, and will eventually end up like I am right now. My wife is gone, and I’m left once again picking up the pieces. Only this time I’m finally wise enough to say “enough”. I will be filing for divorce soon.

November 9, 2009 at 5:38 pm
(74) Laura says:

I have been told I have BPD and my spouse has been extremely supportive. For quite a while I believe he thought I was just being “difficult”. I can see from the many supportive comments to other bloggers – most on this site would say my spouse should RUN. I’m here in defense of the BPD’s. It’s no picnic and there is hope, I’m not stopping until I learn and think like a “normal” human being. I’m discouraged that the only advice my husband must be reading is to GET THE HELL OUT. I know I will get better and be a great wife at the end of this horrific journey. Although saddened by the apparent lack of empathy those on this site show. Hope is never lost.

November 10, 2009 at 8:19 pm
(75) Laura says:

I’m wondering if anyone out there has any encouraging words for a newlywed couple who are struggling with a recent diagnosis of BPD. Neither had children and I had a total hysterectomy 4 months after our wedding. Ensuing depression, very dark and deep caused me to seek psychiatriac help, voluntarily. All agreed to severe depression, and BPD traits started to surface. I even agreed, that’s it – I”M BPD!!! Ready to learn and overcome so sought out the best therapist in the state. He swears I’m not truly BPD (BPD must be present for entire life, not “appear” during 30′s). So, now my husband thinks I’m BPD, my therapist swears I’m not, and I’ve worked and tried so hard I could teach a DBT class. Just a warning that it seems many are using the “diagnosis” freely. My husband thinks I “act mad” all the time, when I’m not mad at all. I explain this to him and ask for help, and he’s so sick of my drama he just gets angry and it’s very difficult. We’re a new marriage without history to keep us together. I love him dearly and am praying for support from someone in your community to help us. I will do anything. I know he reads your site. Thank you.

November 17, 2009 at 10:18 pm
(76) Love my wife says:

Would a BPD here please tell me what got them to seek therapy? Was the diagnosis suggested before formally made? How can I encourage my wife toward evaluation and treatment?

November 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm
(77) Mike says:

I divorced a spouse with BPD, the cheating with other men. The fear of me being gone, was enough for the her to plan and plot. She had 7 lawyers, she lost many hearing. I was in a custody battle with her. If you have kids and your spouse is intelligent, be prepared to go bankrupt with lawyers. Document everything, I have be accused of everything. The courts will tend to believe the spouse at first. It has been many years since we divorced. My daughter has bpd, so its the same thing over again. My ex seems to have stabilized over the years.

November 28, 2009 at 2:41 pm
(78) stacy says:

i know my spouse has BPD, I have urged him toget help (which is a no,no) bcz they never will and also bcz suggesting it triggers a silent attck mode in which they plan to destroyyou and leave.I have been with him 4 yrs. I discovered he had this after our last major breakup in which he attempted suicide. I felt releived, but then guilty so i went back bcz i wanted to help him ( a vicious cycle common with bpd) Anyway he seemed to get better, now married 6 months, and he just left me last week and am finding out this was a calculated move. now that it is public, i am finding out how he has set me up to look like the crazy one!. I really loved this man and i prayed hard, but God do I wish I would have gone with my first instinct and Ran!……4 yearsago. it would have saved me and my son and family so much heartbreak.
ANYONE WHO IS READING THIS. i KNOW IT IS HARD BUT YOU MUST GET OUT. ESPECIALLLY IF U HAVE KIDS

December 3, 2009 at 4:54 pm
(79) Rachel says:

I am having a difficult time with this topic at the moment. I was diagnosed with BPD at 26 and have been working in counseling – diligently – since then. I am now 40.

My husband of six years recently decided to leave me, in part, because he read a book about borderlines (a book I gave him about 8 years ago, but he didn’t read until the last couple of months) and he doesn’t want to deal with “someone like that”, who “plays the victim” and blames everyone else for her mistakes. He has admitted that it may not be a fair assessment, but that’s all he can give me.

The issue is that I am not a description in a book. I know I don’t have to “defend” myself, but the truth is, I have long since abandoned splitting, “playing the victim” or other BPD traits. I’m not perfect, I’m still very reactive emotionally, but I can own what is my responsibility. According to the DSM, I no longer even qualify for the BPD label.

I don’t deny that in the beginning of our relationship I was more actively borderline, but since being in DBT therapy and taking meds, I am much more stable and have been trying to work WITH him instead of against him. I asked for counseling about a year ago, because of the condescending way he had of treating and talking to me. One of his issues with me was clutter, and I made several suggestions on how we might work it out as a family. He vetoed every idea I had. The more I tried to work with him, the worse he treated me. I was getting pretty frustrated. Nevertheless, I did want to try to work things out for our son’s sake.

However, once I found out that he was basing much of his opinion of me on what he read in a book instead of looking at the person I actually am, I decided that there really wasn’t any chance of saving the marriage, and we’d both be happier apart.

That’s not what this post is about. I feel the need to express how much it angers me that he (and many other people) make a judgments of people with BPD without really looking at the individual. I’m not talking about those who refuse treatment, but those like me, who have fought tooth and nail to get better. We deserve some acknowledgment, and we deserve a break. People are just people – even borderlines. Thanks for reading.

December 6, 2009 at 3:19 pm
(80) Rick says:

I met a woman I thought was to good to be true and turns out she is. She is bpd and although she never told me; she knows how she would be with me or any other man and really does not want to have children in her current state out of fear of what she may put them through. I care for this woman so much and she told me she does not want a relationship with me but at the same time her behavior says “do not lose interest in me” (classic push/pull) I have spent the last 2 weeks researching this disorder since discovering that this was behind what I have been seeing from her for the past 9 months.

She cared enough about me to not let me get close and she did her best not to “come out” towards me but at times she did and realized it and it troubled her. She is very high functioning and lately she has been careful about how she “handles” me with her words. She is careful not to use words or wording that tells me to go away like she did in the past for I respected her wish and did so only for her to get upset and want me to come back. I came back this fourth time after realizing her condition so now she is trying to keep me in this particular spot but I have other women who are interested in me or trying to get their girlfriends to talk to me so what am I to do?

I have roamed several bpd sights looking for success stories of men who have stayed by the side of a woman with bpd and there are virtually none, maybe one or two at best. The overwhelming majority are absolute horror stories with a common synopsis: RUN FOR THE HILLS.

It pains me deeply that bpders are hurting so much inside, that they all long for love as adults but enter a relationship with the crys, anger, and rage, and self hate of their childhood. I truly understand how they split and why when and now know that it is not us that have wronged them; it is just that they all are extremely sensitized to trusting anyone; esp. if you are a woman with bpd. It’s hard for them to trust anyone because those they were suppose to be able to trust violated their trust as children so as an adult, the splitting is more of a defense/response to a sense that this man who says he is interested in me is treading into an area my childhood transgressor did so therefore he is like my childhood transgressor and therefore he is completely ALL BAD and must be attacked and defended against albeit there is nothing attacking the BPDer.

You know the solution to this seems to be so simple. Why not file a report in court and or with the police about the physical/sexual abuse that took place and bring the offender to court in front of his peers and let the child have what they are longing for. To ask their transgressor why did they do this to them and or why did those who knew about it, not stop them, so the adult suffering for far to long from the mental anguish of this trauma can finally have some closure and start leading healthy adult lives. Heck if they can arrest catholic priests 20 to 25 years later for sexual/pyschological abuse of little boys then surely they can meet out justice on behalf of bpders who suffered the same trauma from their parents/relatives.

It doesn’t make any sense they should have to go through life as adults like this, destroying their lives and the lives of people outside their own family that truly love them but cannot take the never ending beatdowns of a bpder and really do have to leave for their own health and sanity.

This woman told a friend of mine that the man that gets close to her has to know what he can put up with. I can tell you right now she is not in therapy because her insurance won’t pay for it. She can only get meds that her insurance will cover if it is work related so she is really trying to deal with this on her own. She filed for bankruptcy not long ago has been in several relationships and was clinically depressed last year and contemplated committing suicide back in the spring. She has an old wound across her face that she often covers up with makeup. Now Im afraid to ever ask where it came from. I did notice that it did not look like it came from an assault or struggle. Its length and its neatness looked as if some just went across her cheek at modest speed and she stood there and let them do it. Now I think I know how that could very well be possible because she likely did the cutting.

She is supposed to be transferring to another site and I often find myself wishing it would be sooner for I am so torn. I don’t want to leave her alone but I realize I can’t help her. She won’t let me get close enough to help her.

December 9, 2009 at 6:22 pm
(81) The newly Mrs. L says:

Wow.. Reading all of these comments is crazy. Im almost in tears because my husband and I just got married. We dated for over a year. I knew of his illness, BPD. I feel like its getting worse. I cant even tell you how many times he has given me a beat down for the smallest thing. :( I love him so much. And when hes not raging he is super loving. If it wasnt for this BPD, we would be almost perfect. We have alot in common, music, clothes, beliefs, jokes, ways of life. But, any small thing i say that he doesnt agree with, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like im walking on eggshells… Since weve been married (1month & 1/2) ive gotten bruises, knots in my head, spat on, thrown down, kicked in the back. Law enforcement was called to our house last night…:( Now hes in jail because of the recent marks on me. This is soooo disheartning… i love him and want to help him….

December 10, 2009 at 9:50 am
(82) sally Jones says:

wow….I am obviously not alone. ok guys, I have lived with my BPD partner for 17 years. I have researched all types of disorders and neurological disorders, I have about 30 diaries filled with my tales of woe/distress/fear/lack of understanding etc etc etc and I have one saying that I have used for YEARS.

HAVING A CONVERSATION/ARGUMENT WITH A HIGH FUNCTIONING BPD IS LIKE…

“GOING TO WAR ARMED WITH ONLY A WATER PISTOL”

its useless, pointless, futile, dangerous, and well just a damn big waste of time. When HE (my partner) decides that all hell should break loose because I put the potato peeler in the wrong drawer (what was I thinking????) then there is no winning, no logic, no reasoning or general understanding that where I put the peeler is NOT a life changing moment! Futile! And I am Sooooooo tired of being understanding and sympathetic and supportive and understanding, and so damn alone in this relationship. I have 3 kids to him, but I swear to God it’s like I have 4 kids. I forget sometimes, especially when he has his beautiful Mr Nice Guy hat on, that he won’t always react to a situation like a mature adult. Out of the blue I get a temper tantrum so expressive, a three year old would be so impressed he’d want to take notes. Day after day I have to reinforce to my kids that daddy has a problem that is hard to fix, he blows up over things that don’t require that much time and energy. I have to explain to them that its not HIM shouting and throwing his weight around, it’s his illness, and it’s WRONG!!!!!!!! This is where I feel forced to use the motto “Do as I say, not as he does”. Be polite, use your manners, if you don’t understand, use your words, if you can’t find the words ask me for help, if he yells at you and makes you sad, listen to your tummy and it will tell you the truth. You KNOW you didn’t do anything so bad that you should be yelled at or insulted, so you know that its Daddys illness yelling at you not the Real Daddy.
But am I giving them the wrong advice?????? I have been with him for 17 years, and its a classic ‘I hate you, dont leave me’. He can look at me with eyes of steel, with spittle coming from his mouth, and his fists clenched and say “My God you are a stupid woman, don’t you understand that I LOVE you!” Is that an oxymoron????
Ok well this has been nice to vent, but since there were 90 odd messages on here before I reached the bottom, I seriously doubt anyone will read this or respond, lol. But if you do, thank you :-)
Hey does anyone else seriously doubt their own sanity after being with a BP for so long? I used to believe him in the early days. My self esteem was torn to shreds. I went to an iridoligist one day and he explained to me that 4 rings around the iris indicate a nervous breakdown. I apparently had 7…ooops!
Right, well its nearly 2 am here in Australia right now, and life goes on. For those of you who read this…BP or non BP, I would love to hear from you. Perhaps BPs, if it’s possible, because maybe you could help me to understand…Should I stay or should I Go???????

December 10, 2009 at 3:50 pm
(83) GottaGo... says:

OMG!!! It is a living hell. I agree with almost everyone here. I’ve been with a BPDer for about 3 years married. One kid. There is a book about divorcing a BPD and preparing yourself for the court battle (diversion tactics, victimization etc.) Can anyone recommend something here? I am terrified of what she will do to my child if she gets custody. Her family knows and supports me, but it is the courts I worry about. I’m in the US, She and the baby are in Central America. Any help/ ideas here?
Thanks in advance and thank god I woke up after only 3 years. So scared for my son though.

December 11, 2009 at 12:23 am
(84) GottaGo... says:

To: The newly Mrs. L…
I’m so sorry to hear your story. The truth is you can’t make a smoker stop smoking if they don’t want to do it themselves. Same thing here and the worse thing is (at least with my wife) she doesn’t know she has BPD. Leave him before it gets worse and don’t fall for the 180 degree flip. If he really wants to be with you, meet him in therapy. But be prepared for the victomization game and don’t fall for it. Good luck.

December 17, 2009 at 2:04 am
(85) Rick says:

I have a question for the female BPDers. If you all have such a problem with trust and letting a man get “close” to you (obviously not physically close) then how are you all able to let yourselves get married only to do everything but “love” your husband?

I mean can a female BPDer actually “want” a man or is it just a simple matter of “hey, this guy is interested in me so now here comes the “don’t leave me issues so let me make sure he doesn’t leave me by agreeing to marry him”?

Can female BPDers actually give their heart to a man. I know they so long to be loved but I don’t understand how they can desire that which they cannot accept nor give.

One BPD woman said it best; she said “it’s like the normal side of her wants the man to love him but the crazy side of her wants to sabotage/undermine the effort” Thinking about this statement leads me to believe that BPD women can’t have a loving relationship with a man unless they go back and confront the abuser/transgressor of their childhood past; for a statement like that is an obvious testament to how the BPD female constantly views the man in her life now as her childhood abuser who violated her trust and stole her innocence and made her the woman she is today.

BPD is more than a disorder, it is an extreme defense mechanism whose extremes mirror the extremes of the physical/sexual and psychological abuse (incurred by the child), by someone who was supposed to have loved her as a daughter.

These women deserved to be loved and need to be loved but us men cannot give them what they need most of all and that is closure with their abuser. None of us can even begin to imagine what these women went through as children. It sickens me and horrifies me to look at that kind of abuse through the eyes of a very young girl. The other feelings this stirs up in me I will not type.

December 26, 2009 at 11:28 am
(86) Lala says:

I’m on the verge of leaving my BPD partner of 7 years. He is an alcoholic and very emotionally unstable. For all these years I have been verbally and emotionally abused. And yet it is so tough to leave. I do ask myself why I got into this in the first place, and why I didnt run at the first hint of danger. My therapist advised me to leave a long time ago, after I attempted suicide twice. I was in deep depression. Then a few months ago my T said what I was going through was borderline abuse. When I googled the term, I learnt such a lot.
I hope I actually leave because it has already ruined me so badly. Thankfully I dont live with him. And we dont have children together. My grown up daughter has also been subjected to his outbursts of rage and stupidity and she has made it clear that she does not want to see him ever again.
I hope I have the strength to make the break that I need to. I dont have the stamina to cope anymore and I need to restore my own self respect which is so eroded at the moment.
There is a feeling of guilt though, in spite of everything, that I am abandoning someone who is ill. I wish someone would help me deal with that. I guess it’s time to go back to therapy.

January 2, 2010 at 9:57 am
(87) Elizabeth says:

I was diagnosed with BPD with ADHD and OCD when I was 15, but I had been displaying several symptoms of it for many years before. My mom also has BPD and I think because of this, she refused to allow me to be on medication other than Ritalin, although I was in therapy twice a week for 13 years. When I was 19 and in college, I was no longer in therapy. I finally was able to graduate after many major changes, and married my college boyfriend when I got pregnant at 20. We’re still married today, 8 years later. We now have 2 children and are planning on another in the next few years. Battling my BPD (and everything that’s come with it) is a daily struggle. When I am trying to suppress BPD, major OCD issues come out. If I try to medicate myself for ADHD, my BPD starts to rear its ugly head. My husband has been amazing, and even though when we occasionally fight, he blames my argument on the fact that I’m “psycho,” he has somehow ended up being the ideal, and maybe only, person I could be married to, and part of it is because he says the same thing about himself (not that he’s “psycho,” he just admits he is a very difficult person to live with). We used to fight horribly several times a week, but now, we really only argue every few months, and I only have complete meltdowns a few times a year (as opposed to every single time we disagreed). I think the fact that I recognize I have BPD and monitor it on a daily basis really helps. I don’t let emotions get out of control, and I’ve sat down with my husband and made a list of a few things that are very important that he does. Even though that doesn’t make everything perfect for me, I can cling to those few things, and it makes dealing with the rest of the “imperfections” in my life easier. I now have a regular job I enjoy that helps me keep a very regular schedule. I struggle with emotions and appropriate boundary issues on a daily basis and am constantly second-guessing decisions and behaviors. But, my husband and I would both say we have a happy marriage, our kids are happy and successful, and we’ve been happy and successful in our careers. Some people on this board make people with BPD sound like monsters, and I find it really sad that seems to be the most common experience for someone living with someone with BPD. If you suffer from BPD and are married, you have to understand the characteristics of the disorder so that you can learn to regulate your behavior and learn to not react or behave the way you “want” to. You have to maintain a regular schedule and daily routine. You have to select a few things that greatly matter to you and if they are done or not done, the consequences may warrant “psycho” behavior. Explain these few things to your spouse and see if you can both agree to those terms. Once you agree, you have to make sure you don’t allow yourself to just “go off” on anything else. I have a few things that I ask of my husband and, although he doesn’t see why in the world they are so important to me, he is very careful and sure to do them. He understand that if he doesn’t, I might have a “psycho freak-out” episode (that’s what he calls them). Even though there are certainly many other times I would love to have a “psycho freak-out” episode, I have to remember that it is not an agreed upon time, and I have to control it. All in all, it’s a struggle, but I seem to lead a pretty normal life, at least externally. I wish everyone on here the best in their relationships and how that especially those with children, are able to find happiness.

January 6, 2010 at 3:19 am
(88) gary pollock says:

Wisconsinite is 100 percent correct in what they are saying. from just those short statements i can see our lives mirrored one another as is most often the case with spouses of bpders. i was once a fool and thought it unfair all the sites with info on how to divorce these people now i believe there is no hope for them and what they do to other people and others lives with no regret, remorse or other makes them candidates for permanent relocation to the nearest psych ward. I do mean permanent. They have nothing of any value to offer to the world and will only suck the life from those that are or become close to them. Put them away together so they can screw each other and never let them have contact with any non bpd human. Human, not a term id use to describe these people. Anyone disagreeing with this person is a fool that hasnt a clue…and if they are with a bpder it is merely a matter of time before they too will jump to the other side of the fence and see what these people are and what they have been thru all in vane. if you live with one of these people the only thing you can count on is your entire life together is false, non existent except to you…there is nothing about such a relationship that is in reality as it appears. you have been pushed pulled and manipulated into living a life that does not exist. you will see…fools

January 6, 2010 at 6:52 pm
(89) FacingReality says:

Thank you, Stacy, for the sage advice.

Of course we need to take ownership of our own contributions to the relationship issues. It’s a very thin wire to walk with a steep drop over each side. On one side, as you described, not facing up to our own weaknesses prevents personal improvement and addressing our contributions to the problems. On the other, more incidious side (the side to which I fell), accepting responsibility and being open to appropriate criticism becomes a positive feedback to the BPD and their torturous behaviors. There’s then the pendulum effect of shutting down to avoid the pain, which then also prevents addressing the issues. It is what makes working with a BPD so difficult, because there really is no “working with”…

I did read How to Stop Walking on Eggshells, a great, great book. I would recommend it to all those here.

Since my previous post, I did in fact divorce my wife without significant incident. Since then, we have had intermittent contact, which sadly paralleled the emotional roller coaster during the marriage. Meeting for coffee after a road race (we both run 5k races in our area) might be a time for smiling and laughing… even a tear shed for what we no longer have (the positive parts of course). But then Hyde comes out and the hatred and cruelty pours forth. Fortunately for me, I can shut that out now, as it is not part of my day-to-day life.

I am still grieving over the failed marriage and miss her terribly from time to time, but I can slowly start building a new life now. As pathetic as it might sound, there is still a part of me that hopes we will come together again later in life with better luck (hope springs eternal), but even that castle in the sky can’t happen unless I live my life on my own for the foreseeable future.

For those contemplating or in the middle of ending the relationship, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I speak of course of chosen relationships. I’m sure the family BPD cases have a unique hardship to them in that respect.

January 7, 2010 at 1:55 am
(90) Scott says:

My wife was physically abused by her father for many years, starting before she could even sit up. She was a very strong person, very charming, witty, amazingly artistic, great storyteller, and always the life of the party. I loved her for the strength she displayed, to work with these issues. She was unable to bond very well with our son and mostly ignored him, I have compensated by working from home and spending lots of time with him. She was never as extreme as some of the horror cases I’ve read about here, only threw a cabbage at my head once during 16 years of marriage. Verbally she was not bad either, when she was Mr. Hyde, she would just withdraw and be irritable & drink/smoke mushrooms in the garage. The on/off on/off was definitely emotionally abusive, but not so bad as some. If I ever seemed weak though, she would turn on me, so I had to be strong. We did have some good times too, when she loved you, she loved you sooo much, when she was happy, she was so happy. She was intoxicating to me. She died 2 months ago, we still don’t know if it was accident or suicide. I am finding out that she had at least 2 affairs over the last 3 years which makes her death much harder to deal with somehow. The infidelity is hardest to live with – but many non-borders have trouble with this as well. So my feelings are mixed, I don’t want to say run – I think if I had been more aware, had more time to help her (instead of being single parent and sole breadwinner) maybe things could have gone better. But at the same time, I feel that the last 16 years have been a battle to keep everything together, and I worked so hard, not sure how I could have done more. Sure miss her though. We did dabble with therapy for a few months, but that only seemed to make her bad side worse (meaner.)

January 17, 2010 at 10:28 pm
(91) TORN & DRAINED says:

I spent the past three years of my lide in an on-and-off relationship with my BPD GF.

Before I go any longer, I have to say that she is the sweetest, nicest. most caring, loving and giving person there is and that I’ve loved her and still do.

But there’s a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde part of the relationship. It’s 99 percent good for the most but that 1 percent can become real bad, surreal, ridiculous and utterly unbearable by now.

Early on in the relationship I noticed there was something deeply wrong.

She began to snap for very silly things, mostly related to what seemed to be an unreasonable jelausy or need to be minded (sorry if my english is not that good, its my 2nd language).

For example, if a some girl friends called me to invite me to a party (just for the call), or if I worked til late and could not take one of her calls or if I text messaged my secretary to ask her to confirm a flight or something.

When I would become angry out of feeling mistreated for being given a hard time (and what a hard time!) for the most trivial every-day things (a call on a Saturday, being “too” friendly on the phone with a girl, etc.)she would say, out of the blue, that other people really do value her, that she knows how much she’s worth, etc.

I was left scratching my head out of how unnecesary and uncalled-for these tirades were. Nobody was questioning her worth te begin with.

After learning more about the hardship she’s endured being a divorced mother of two teenagers (who are sweet and adorable), with two failed marriages, with a self-absorbedmother that is utterly mean and incapable of being loving and generous, etc., etc., I begun to understand where these strange reactions in my BPD GF where coming from.

She had these voids in her due to the hardship she endured in her upbringing and early adult life.

So I began to be especially tolerant. When she would go on rants and tirades for silly things I would normally contain myself even though some of the things she would say would be unnecesarily provocative, hurtful, ridiculous.

But things started to get worse and worse. She would snap every 4 or 5 days and verbal confrontations would become the most pointless, absurd and surreal of conversations. Every single time I thought to myself that I needed to tape the exchange (what she was saying, the absurdity) or write it down to preserve it for posterity. To show it to her to see if she would understand how poorly she reacts when in trance. I believe she kind of goes into a trance.

She either forgets what she says or just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. She says she has no problem and gets really upset at how I am so proud not to recognize my mistakes or that I really do triger her to become upset.

She argues in a destructive, provocative, incredibly immature way, where she uses what I call “conversation enders” at every turn. Things like, yeah, Mr. Perfect, you are perfect, you are never wrong.

At times I find myself having to be defensive on ridiculous things. And when I get really upset, she becomes the victim that’s done everything for me and I become the stone-cold villain incapable of acknowlefging this.

She would say these things, for example, after I’ve spent 24 hours by her bedside when she’s been sick; angry because of some non-issue thing. Things like this.

It’s been only in the past three or so months that I’ve come to understand that she has BPD.

I am now torn whether to stick and try to help her through this or just leave. She at times seems to understand she has a problem but rarely faces it.

Me saying so gets her incredibly enraged. I think I’ve made my decision though.

January 20, 2010 at 1:56 pm
(92) Been there says:

Here is my situation. I believe I dated someone years ago who had BPD. He was extremely verbally abusive to me, and would go out and do things to hurt me and then when I didn’t forgive him instantly, and was still distant and hurt, he would become angry with me for “not letting it go”. He called me a whore once when he asked me if I was planning on dancing with anyone at a family wedding that would take place 4 months after this conversation. I said I didn’t know. So he called me a whore.

Here is what I don’t get, and I’m not trying to be insensitive, I’m sure he was in pain, etc. But- why do some people look at it like it so awful to leave someone who abuses you? Can’t all abusive people claim that they have some kind of mental illness? Does that make it ok?

He lied to me, went on dates with other women behind my back, preyed on what I was self conscious about with my body to make fun of me when he was upset, told me how to dress, gave me hell if I wanted to be alone with my friends, etc. Why would anyone act like I’m weak or not “loving” or “kind” for dumping him and eventually marrying someone who makes me feel good and special and would never hurt me. Doesn’t everyone deserve that?

January 21, 2010 at 6:30 pm
(93) Jimmy says:

I want to thank you all for your honest comments. BPD was a slang expression when I was in high school (in the late 60′s), like “she’s borderline.” Meaning borderline psychotic. I now have learned the traits of BPD since my wife admitted to our new marriage counselor last week that she had been diagnosed with it, plus bipolar disorder. She’s been on medication for more than a year but never told me the diagnosis. I only knew she had crazy behavior and the drugs seemed to help her avoid her very worst.

She is beautiful and charming and I am the envy of my friends. My family loves her. When we were married last year I was congratulated by all for finding somoene so lovely to love me. They see the charming former actress who adores this middle-aged father of three. They do not see the beast that lives within her. I never saw it until shortly after we both uttered the words “I do” 3 years ago. I have read many of the postings and agree completely understand those who describe Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde spouses. I’m married to her more-evil twin sister.

I am a corporate attorney with decades of experience dealing in high pressure transactions with screaming New York lawyers. I have never seen or heard the kind of raging insanity that has come out of my beautiful wife. She is very good on stage by her training. If the doorbell or phone rings while she is throwing dishes at me or against the kitchen cabinets, she instantly turns it off and is the delightful host. As soon as the guests leave she plugs back into the rage right where she left it or, if I’m lucky, she will storm into the the bedroom and lock the door. She has screamed and raged at me in public places, even in the middle of the most romantic evenings and the nicest restaurants.

We’ve been in marriage therapy for our entire relationship. Our first therapist was trained in “Imago” therapy – from Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want. This gets at the heart of marriage trouble – the personal wounds that each spouse brings to the marriage. It is all about understanding and accepting the wounds in each other and finding healing. It is great stuff and works very well for many. She and I know each other’s wounds and triggers very well as a result. We get it. But we have stopped the therapy because nothing changes her feeling that I don’t love her. She admits that she has self-hatred “issues.”

I have concluded, sadly, that there is nothing I can do to “stand by her side.” I admire the good intentions of those of you who are trying to do that for your wives/husbands. However, I have to sadly agree with the counselor who posted some time ago- comment 15?- that a person with BPD needs to tackle the problem without the spouse in the house. I told my wife a week ago that the only solution is to end our marriage. As much as I love her, it is getting worse. And my children are suffering collateral damage. She of course blamed me in front of the counselor – said she never told me of her dual illnesses because she had them under control and they were not the issues in our marriage. She argued that I was the problem. The counselor blasted her for thinking that personality disorders were not involved in our marriage. To no avail. She continued to blame me for 3 days after that. I reiterated firmly that I am ending the relationship and I will be nice about it. I’ve show her the property settlement proposal. Now that she realizes that I’m not kidding I see her getting healthier. Two weeks ago she laid in bed all day, surfed facebook and often didn’t get dressed all day. If she went out, it would be to hang out at a bar with her girlfriends for all hours. Suddenly, I see her going to the gym every day to work out, sticking to her new diet, no more drinking and she is finally looking for a new job. Logic, love, etc. did not make her better. Realizing that it is up to her, and not up to me, seems to be the thing that is helping.

I don’t hate her, although I could. She has physically assaulted me numerous times screaming in rage at how badly she wants to hurt me. I have always kept my cool but wonder why a woman of slight frame would assault a former collegiate football player. Her solution to all of this is for me to not provoke her wrath. If I try to talk about those incidents, she screams at me for dragging up the past. She’s broken kitchen appliances, windows, electronics, and wrecked cars – all out of rage when the beast took over. When she is lucid, she doesn’t know where the crazy comes from. Sadly, she has spent a lifetime protecting her beast. She has had a series of relationships, one for 6 years, another for 4 years, but I am her first marriage. I think everyone else walked on the eggshells but pursued her nonetheless. She kept her true self hidden behind her superb acting skills, her stunning good looks and, well, hiding. I think she has honestly tried to love me. Her effort has put her beast on full rampage – it scares her, too. She thankfully is getting help for herself. Perhaps she can find healing and self-love that will enable us to find our relationship again someday. But that isn’t my goal today.

To those of you who have written about your own BPD, thank you for helping me to understand. I see you as real people and sympathize. You were created by God. This isn’t something you wished for. Healing is possible. Losing a marriage is not the worst thing. Losing love, or never finding it, is tragic.

To those of you who are in my shoes and wondering what to do, let me encourage you to do the right thing. God hates divorce. He also hates it when your spouse hits you. He hates it even more when your spouse punishes you verbally at every opportunity. The right thing is to stand up to the insanity and to stop the cycle that will be handed down to your kids (like my wife had it passed down to her). Your goodness and your ability to see the very best in your lover is a wonderful quality of love. But you cannot shower enough love on him/her to fix all of this. You are not God. I was in a 12-steps meeting (al-anon) recently and listened to a man talk about his 30 year old daughter who had let him throw money at her to fix her serial mistakes. She had just asked him for another financial bail-out. He bravely told her “I admit I am partly responsible for where you are in life today. I am sorry. I have deprived you for years. I deprived you of the natural consequences of your abhorrent behavior. I will no longer do that.”

I will no longer do that to my wife. I am encouraged that she is able to admit to herself that she needs help. Her only hope is without me. I’m worried about the rage kicking in when she sees the legal proceedings going on. But I will get through this, too.

January 23, 2010 at 10:12 am
(94) Brother's Keeper says:

I have watched my brother (14 years my senior) be all but destroyed by his BPD soon-to-be ex. Our whole family spent almost 20 years giving her the benefit of the doubt, being as patient with her as possible, putting up with outbursts of rage directed at us (even though I now live on the other side of the country and see them maybe once a year, I am still a target).

To all those claiming that posters here show no compassion for BPD’s: My brother came to me many years ago and poured his heart out to me because his BPD wife had started an affair. With his oldest son – her stepson (who was in his early 20′s at the time). He spent days venting to me, crying, wondering what to do. He finally decided that for the sake of HER children – his young step daughters – he would do everything he could to make things work. She spent the next decade-plus abusing him, berating him, accusing our whole family of plotting against her – while my brother silently put up with it all until the girls were grown. In the course of putting up with it all, he has had 3 heart attacks. His BPD spouse was upset at being inconvenienced because SHE had to take him to the hospital.
Three years ago, they finally separated. She still does everything in her power to manipulate her adult daughters into shutting my brother out of their lives. Divorce proceedings are finally underway because she got angry at ME for objecting to her manipulations. Her daughters are slowly trying to pull themselves out from under her thumb and maintain a relationship with my brother. The BPD wife has also re-kindled the relationship with her stepson, doing everything she can to drive a bigger wedge between my brother and his son. Meanwhile, through all of this it’s my brother and his whle family who are the villains, who “never liked her”, who “looked down on her”, who always “thought we were better than her”. My brother is not an addict, barely drinks alcohol, and never EVER raised a hand to her.

For those of you asking “where’s the compassion for the BPD”…come to my next family reunion and ask that question.

January 24, 2010 at 8:17 am
(95) Bpdbutneedtolivewithit says:

I think that divorce is mainly very messy and people end up hating each other whether or not bps is involved. I am not denying the abuse that people with bpd inflict but do suggest that abusive relationships exist without bpd.

Anyway, that besides, thought I’d add my own experience. I realised about a year and a half ago that I am probably bpd. Had never heard of it but on coming across it – well the penny dropped immediately. Also at same time realised my father must have it. My mum and dad have been married for 50 years – and it has been a terrible life for my mum. To make matters even worse I can see that my 15 year old daughter exhibits much of the behaviour – and we are mutually abusive to each other- although as the adult and mother I do accept responsibility for this. She is my eldest child – I have another 4 younger children ranging from 8 yes to baby – all of whom have at present gorgeous personalities. I have a brother who does eshibit some bpd behaviours and a sister who is totally fine.

I have been with my husband for 15 years. I believe him to be a good person although not perfect. We both met when we were both heavily involved in drugs. Like most men he was into porn too although I made it clear that wasn’t acceptable to me. For about 5 years we had a great relationship – with very few arguments – although that is probably due to his easy going attitude, as well as our carefree lifestyle and failure of us to uptake our responsibilities. I had however reached a point where I wanted to get my life together – and tried hard to do that – stopped all drugs and mainly stopped drinking, went to uni, got degree, post grad degree, great job nice house etc and started having rest of family. My husband had always worked but although he stopped taking drugs started drinking a lot even at work and porn really became an issue whereby we split up over it. We got back together but he couldn’t seem to give up the porn so we started the past 5 years on this cycle of splitting up getting back together – and all the chaos that ensues with bpd. I mAnage everything financially and organise the family etc. I see that I use money to control him although he doesn’t want to take on any those kind of responsibilities. When we argue I am abusive to him – telling him I hate him and dragging up everything I perceive he has done to me. We are in middle of another bust up – because of the lying – he always lies to me – mainly about money and drinking. I tend not to tell lies – although I have lied at times – saying things needed paid when they didn’t – in my mind trying to force him to take some responsibility. He also made a major lie to me about having had a vasectomy when he never and hence I fell pregnant with my 5 th child.

Sorry I know I am going on here. I am trying to say relationships are confusing. My husband lies and has his own addictive behaviours – however he never verbally or physically abuses me. I am controlling and may be the reason he lies , and am verbally and at times physically abusive to him in response to the lying. 5 kids involved. I know he is good At heart, I don’t think I am evil at heart – although can understand how it can appear that people with bpd are – I am still struggling not to hate my father for the ways he has behaved .

A little glimmer of hope somewhere – around 3 years ago my relationship with my mother totally turned around from being totally horrible (my fault) to a wonderful loving mother daughter relationship where we haven’t argued in that time.

I often tell my husband to leave in response to his lies or porn or drinking. I have no means of dealing normally with the relationship – I don’t know how normal people deal with life. But I need to go on living anyway with this damaged self. I’m sorry for the hurt I cause but feel stuck with this.

January 29, 2010 at 8:33 pm
(96) HellonEarth says:

The ugliness of BPD is unbelievable.. life destroying!! After 26 years of marriage I said I needed a separation from my BPD wife. I told her so we could create space and get help.. she ramped up the distortion campaign with anyone who she could get to. We have been separated for nearly 10 months. She will not let me see the kids, protective order, the whole thing. She hired a nasty lawyer to ruin me. She is not succeeding.. through counseling I have become strong. The counselor who I meet with, met with the wife first. The smear campaign continued with him. Fortunate for me, the counselor ends up being a specialist in BPD!!! Wow.. since he met with her he knows what she is.. she will not come back to counseling.. it is me who needs help!.. Anyway, if you suspect it, get help NOWWWWWW. It gets worse, not better!

February 2, 2010 at 11:41 am
(97) BPD Survivor says:

On ‘NOT the crazy one’s response to Hayley and Wisconsinite…. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your response to their warped perspective and insensitive comments was ‘spot on’… in a nutshell.. they have essentially advertised the reason that this site exists.

February 2, 2010 at 9:15 pm
(98) Shawn says:

HellonEarth, I wish you the best. I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD and after a night of borderline rage I ended up being charged with a crime. I couldn’t believe the CJS could be so manipulated! I just feel lucky to be away from the insanity that is a relationship with a high functioning BPD.

February 7, 2010 at 4:37 pm
(99) Man in Nashville says:

I am going through an ugly divorce situation right now with my wife. I dont for sure she has BPD or paranoid disorder or what exactly she has, but my recent education leads me to believe it is something in this arena. So now, in the best interest of my 18 mth old son, I have now filed for “Primary Custody” of him. She has “many” of the symptoms of BPD and Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD), but of course she is also highly intelligent and is already using a “distortion campaign” alleging that I have abused her and demeaned her (all lies) while in fact it was her who was taken away by the police for violently attacking me a few months back.

So now knowing I have an uphill battle with regards to winning “primary custody” of my son (as she has been the primary caretaker during his life and in the state of TN, it seems to go towards the mother most of the time…) I have made the decision of putting myself into massive debt in order to get her the mental evaluation she needs and battle her in court to the best of my financial abilities.

I was hoping to get some support, through a support line or perhaps someone who has found themselves in this situation in the past, so that I could talk through this entire “nightmare” with someone else who may have lived it prior to me.

I know this process will be a long and expensive one. Also since my wife just blames me for every aspect of her unhappy life, no matter what I do, but I know that if I rolled over, continued to overlook her “unreasonable behaviours – like I have for our 8 year marriage” I would someday highly regret that my son could also be at the direct target of her “random violent and mood swings”.

I sure hope I am doing the right thing…Thanks for any help and support you may be able to provide.

February 7, 2010 at 7:57 pm
(100) Borderline Spouse survivor says:

Man in Nashville – I stumbled upon this blog last week, and I was in the same exact shoes as you. I was in a 22 year marriage… and my husband was highly intellegent.. and started the distortion campaign against me. He was stalking me and violent, and until I read this blog, I did not realize that I am not alone in this odd, varied, but specific behavior. I ended up getting a permanent restraining order, and it has been a very long year. He eventually attempted suicide, and was committed (voluntary) after being incarcerated for burglary. I was amazed when I saw how many people deal with the same things I have been dealing with, and it was not until I began to educate myself that i realized that his disorder was not limited to bipolar, which was his initial diagnosis. Sadly, the prognosis is poor, but involving authorities, and limiting communication to an attorney, along with the restraining order really saved my life. Plus I was fortunate enough to have the backing of his family.

When the distortion campaign began, my children were turned against me, becaue they were the only ones gullible enough to bury into it… but there were a couple of isolated friends who did too.

Then end result is that he tragically took his own life, very recently. There are so many things I want to share with those who are dealing with this disorder. My feelings are so conflicted, because I was very in love with this man, but I realized at a point that I could not save him, but I could save myself, and my children. That is what I did.

Thank you all for sharing your stories, as I don’t feel as alone as I once did. This has put my experiences into perspective.

February 9, 2010 at 1:41 pm
(101) Kedo says:

My wife has been diagnosed with BPD and it has been living hell. Her family has hid it from me the entire time we have been married and I only found out a few days ago. My mother-in-law let it slip out to my mom and then made her promise not to tell me. My mom help true to that promise until the recent craziness. My wife filed a protective order against me, the entire basis on her protective order was on a fight we had where she was the one assaulting me!! Yet somehow through unbelievable manipulation skills she twisted the story in a way to make me out as the bad guy. The protective order is so far temporary and I get to tell my side in a couple weeks. I feel she is doing this as part of her ultimate plan of divorcing me. It’s sad that I still love her even after her doing such a horrible thing to me.

February 10, 2010 at 4:27 am
(102) Rick says:

Kedo I feel your pain. I still want to love a woman incapable of love. She knows she has BPD and really doesn’t like lying to me or “going off” on me. She can’t stand me always coming around her but hates me when she thinks I have lost interest in her. Recently she has blocked me on facebook because I haven’t been out to see her in about a month. She has been moved to another area of work and I just let things be. So she has split me again because she feels I have lost interest in her. This is like the third or fourth time but this time her feelings are correct. We never communicated on facebook and we were not friends on there but we both knew we were on there. I have been pursuing her for almost a year with her seemingly trying to get up the courage to let me get close but her crazy side rears its ugly head all the time and when it does its hurts her more than it does me. She hates being that way with me but it seems she can’t help herself so when she feels like she wants to get crazy she avoids me which I found to be noble of her. I have a girlfriend now who is with me and does to and for me what the BPDer could never do or be with me.

I just wish I could feel for my girlfriend what I felt for the BPDer. Deep down inside I still have feelings for her but Im thinking now that maybe I am feeling sorry for her rather than having feelings for her. I will admit it really does pain to see a woman as beautiful as her seem so doomed to a solitude of personal hell for the foreseeable short and long term future.

I wish she would talk about her childhood with me for the key to her recovery is to forgive the one who abused her when she was a little girl. Only then will she be free of this incredible childhood defense mechanism that manifests itself as insane thinking and behavior as an adult.

It is something how God brings men into the lives of women who think that no one on earth would want to be with (i.e. women with HIV/AIDS) and He puts it the heart of those men He sends to understand, fight for, and love these individuals unconditionally but some don’t realize what has been sent their way and reject the blessing. I am not saying I am one but I have to be “crazy” to still want to be with this woman knowing full well what I will be risking and subjecting myself to knowing that all the love that I have will not help her to heal.

February 10, 2010 at 1:10 pm
(103) Bob says:

Well I see I have found my home. I thought I was living in the twilight zone. There is no doubt in my mind that my wife of 10 months has BPD. i almost cried reading these posts. I don’t think I

February 10, 2010 at 3:13 pm
(104) Kedo says:

Rick and Bob, I feel your pain. I have shed enough tears from my spouse’s endless manipulation and distortion campaigns. My wife is also very smart so the level of manipulation is impossible to fathom. I’ve read accounts of many non-BPD’s ending up in therapy. It is so sad the magnitude of deception and manipulation they are able to create. Somewhere inside my wife is a wonderful lady beautiful inside and out. It’s such a shame she can also make the devil look like an saint in comparison.

February 20, 2010 at 10:43 am
(105) Gentler says:

There is a lot of pain in the world. I do have difficulty understanding people blaming ex’s for one thing or another regarding their potential illness. Its the illness that must be blamed and not the person.
Our social system does not have enough infrastructure to fulfill all the expectations that once were necessary living a large lifestyle. These are humbling times for many. Why ask for the perfect life when we can have a good life.
I lived with a person whom truly has BPD and will probably never seek treatment until she hits bottom. She is intelligent, articulate, attractive, charming, hard working and yet out of control. Together we almost hit bottom. We severed our relationship and she is at the point where social services might be her only alternative to for food, shelter and health care.
BPD is not a pretty thing. Its a mask of lies and perceptions and the avoidance of responsibility and reality. It has diminishing returns like an economy that has ran out of paper money. The stress of this illness is intolerable but like anything that is broke, there is always a method to remove the problem out of the path of so called progress.
There are no easy answers here. For me I found that BPD meant there were no limit on wants verses needs. And as result this sets a trap for a lifetime of problems. For T DeLano the answer may just be a Chapter 13. For Bob, it might be time run. Call the closest family member and seek help. Also get a counselor. You got to pack your bags or you’ll be seeking professional help yourself for anxiety and depression.

February 23, 2010 at 3:19 pm
(106) Jimmy says:

Man in TN, I found another site that has interactive, daily support. It is a group on Yahoo called Welcome To Oz – the link is http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php. Probably is a “competitor” of sorts with this site. I don’t know, just glad to have the help. There are several groups you can join. It has been a lifesaver for me.

February 23, 2010 at 8:51 pm
(107) Brad Mac says:

According to my wife, I have displayed all of the characteristics of a person with BP. I have tried to kill myself and raged and distorted facts and incidents. We live apart because of work. Two weeks ago she left me. In a drunken rage we argued and I recall nothing about it. The next day she called and told me some of what happened. Apparently I had convinced her it was all her fault. Again. She took me back, but less than a week later, she had decided that she did not want to stay with me. I have raged and tried to elisict any response from her I could, but she has cut herself off. I don’t know if I have BPD, but she is better off without me. If there is anyone else out there who is the same as me, your partner is better off alone. I know in my head that what I’m doing is wrong. She deserves alot better than me.

February 25, 2010 at 11:04 am
(108) worried says:

I am about to marry a wonderful girl who I Love and I am rather certain suffers from paranoid personality disorder. Obviously she has forbid me to mention any of the things that she feels are going on to anyone else, should I confide in a close friend or family for support and risk the trust, or suffer in silence until its too late to hide it she snot violent in any way but she feels tortured by her beliefs and I dont know what to do

February 27, 2010 at 6:23 pm
(109) HQ says:

i have BDP and Bipolar Disorder and i’ve been in an up/down relationship for about a year and a half now. i’m not taking medication because it made me worse and i’m skeptical about any others.. i really want to control the mood swings and outbursts rather than not so, i’m starting counseling again soon.
My boyfriend and i have talked about marriage and when i am content and in my right mind, he loves being around me and we have no problems. On the other hand, when an argument errupts and i make it worse by not leaving him alone and yelling and basically pushing him to his breaking point, things don’t go so well. We break up a lot and i always feel like we wont get back together and i freak out and get severly stressed out and think the worst possible things are going to happen. i will think of something and call him over and over until he answers sometimes just to ask him and he always says that i mean the world to him, he really wants to be with me etc.
in the relationship he likes to have his space and be left alone and he’s not big on affection 24-7 and i like to be around him all the time and hug, cuddle, kiss, anything intimate and if he doesn’t want to i feel neglected almost immediately. sometimes he goes days without hugging me and that’s usually the cause of my outbursts, although i realize that maybe i need more attention than most people need and i should try not to depend on it as much. i really would like to try to fix things, we have before.. and one part of me feels like it will get better, the other part feels like it wont.. but honestly i’m tired of things going from “yes we’re getting married” to “i cant be with you right now” that takes it’s toll after a while and gets very old.. i’m willing to try anything and hopefully can get a good plan from going to a therapist. i feel very strongly that if i try to better myself and get help and work on my ‘problems’ (moodswings, anger, constant need for affection etc) then he should try with me as well to understand more about how i think, and see things.. and also try to show a little more affection. it’s not something he can really plan since it’s a feeling and action of love and from his point of view, if he does it all the time it gets boring and feels like just another job and if he feels like he has to do it or i’ll freak out it makes him not want to because it’s not like it was his idea to hug me he’s almost forced to or he will have to hear about it later.. at first that made me really mad and i didnt understand why it was such a big deal and why he couldnt just love me like i love him but i understand more now and im really hoping i can get the help and support i need to have a stable, healthy, GOOD relationship with him and in the long run have a normal life.

February 28, 2010 at 1:48 am
(110) Bewildered says:

I very recently found out my BPD ex-girlfriend has been shacked up with my (married) father despite my incessant warnings to him to keep away from her. She must be thrilled to bits with this coup.

She is stunningly beautiful, highly intelligent, super-charming, incredibly unpredictable, potentially very dangerous and inherently evil. He is just an untrustworthy, disrespectful, naive dumb f*ck.

Maybe this will stall her legal allegations against me and take her mind off fulfilling the death threats. Wishful thinking.

There will be no sympathy from me if he too comes to suffer at the hands at Miss Hyde. Here is one case where someone actually deserves to be with a BPD.

For the people that don’t deserve to suffer with a BPD – my advice is don’t believe the Dr Jekyll BS – RUN as FAST as you can.

March 9, 2010 at 3:12 pm
(111) Carol says:

Help1,ve been married to my husband for over 13 years now and have sunken to the very depths of dispair. These stories all sound so similar and I am really scared. My husband is so abusive, and I feel like the guilty/crazy one. I want out so bad, but am afraid what will happen if I do. He doesn’t believe I’ll go, I have bluffed so many times if he doesn’t get help. I know this sounds weak on my side, but believe me when I tell you, he will pull out all the stops, I think, if I try to leave. I could really use some advice and or support. Thanks

th

March 10, 2010 at 9:26 pm
(112) Kedo says:

Carol, it will be hard to get out, but if your spouse has borderline..honestly you just need to leave. You will be much happier in the long run. I’m in the process of a divorce and I’m already feeling much better.

March 12, 2010 at 7:58 am
(113) elizabeth says:

Let me tell you something about BORDERLINES.
They will break your heart time and time again. They will make you hurt them and after that you will feel sorry. They will make you want to end your life. They will make you want to kill them and after that you will feel guilty for that again and cry. They will crush all your dreams. THEY WILL NEVER WAKE UP AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE BECAUSE THAT WILL MAKE THEM KILL THEMSELVES IN THAT VERY INSTANT. Loving a borderline is the worst thing that can happen to someone. I don’t wish that to anybody. There are no words to describe the pain and hartbreak a borderline will cause you. Run far, far away from every borderline. Don’t belive borderline success stories online or you will pay with your heart, soul, and sanity for those 6 moths of heaven. They are the closest thing to EVIL personified i can think of. Watch the movie case 39 and consider the little girl to be a borderline. That is the borderline experience. They suck the real value of the humanity and give in illusions in exchange.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE and when you miss them just remember that if they were side by side to you you wouldn’t be able to do whatever you are doing right now. Or remember their COLD HIDEOUS FACE WHEN THEY ARE RAGING.

March 12, 2010 at 9:11 am
(114) elizabeth says:

Let me tell you the uncovered truth about borderlines. Stop reading websites about their illness, stop wasting your precious

life and energy on them. THEY DON’T CARE AND NEVER WILL. They will break your heart time and time again. They will make you

hurt them and then you will feel sorry for that. They will make you want to end your life. They will make you want to kill

them and after that you will cry and feel sorry for that too. You will have your every dream crushed. And they will never

ever wake up for real to see what they have done because if they did they would kill themselves that very instant. Falling in

love with a borderline is the worst thing that can happen to you. I wouldn’t wish that to my worse enemy. There are no words

enough to describe the pain and heartbreak a borderline will cause you. Run away, far away from any borderline. Don’t belive

a word from them. Don’t say nobody told you. They suck the real value and worth of the world and give illusions in exchange.

Don’t belive borderline success stories written online, or you will pay with your heart, soul, sanity and money for the first

six months of fake heaven. They are the closest thing to evil personified i can think of. Even if the very unlikely case a

borderline will take enough therapy you will be too worn down to enjoy life anymore, and you will never know if some day they

won’t run away from you with their new “soulmate’. Watch the movie case 39 and think about that little girl as a borderline.

That is bpd experience. Don’t feel sorry for them. They will take that and use it against you. If they would be capable of

being sorry for you they would live you the hell alone. They are the epitome of regress, failure, pain, self-distuction and

everything evil i can think of. Run the hell away from them and when you miss them remember that if they were next to you

right now you wouldn’t be able to do whatever you were doing without being afraid.Or remember THEIR EVIL HIDEOUS COLD facial

expression when they were raging. When I first broke up with my bpd boyfriend i didn’t said a word to him for one whole week.

And than he somehow managed to make me see him. He was looking completely diffrent. I could barely recognize him after only

one week. Skinny, weak, his voice was diffrent. I swear to GOD, in THREE HOURS HE WAS BACK TO BEING THE HANDSOME, CHARMING

man he was before the break-up. He litterally sucked the energy and strenght from me. I am so terrified I don’t want to ever

see or hear a word from him again. God help him.

March 14, 2010 at 4:16 pm
(115) Just Julie says:

For Laura – I think my daughter in law has BPD – and as frustrated as I am with her behavior and actions, I still love her and therefore when she rages I hug her and say “I love you and understand you are scared”…as she knows she pushes others away. However, she will not get counseling or any type of help and I see her progressing rapidly downhill….I knew of her terrible childhood and coddled her somewhat – now, as her own children are suffering, my son included, I now I am taking a stronger stance…i.e., if you don’t get help it it will be pushed on you (the children are at risk).

I so clearly recognize the BPD behavior as my husband (we just married last year) and I have been stalked by his ex-wife for over 3 years who also suffers from BPD – untreated of course. Clearly, a 54 year old woman, personality disorders or not, needs to take responsibility for her poor choices (left my husband for a man 20 years younger – but, of course, it was his fault) – so I can understand everyone saying RUN FOR THE HILLS…her behavior has hurt so many innocent people. Ironically, the thing she fears the most – abandonment, is precisely what she is going to end up getting – being all alone.

I can have lots of empathy for people with emotional issues if they seek treatment and stop expecting the world to be responsible for their past. It is very draining….my daughter in law knows she needs help (positive) whereas my husband’s exwife thinks “everyone” is the problem (including the law) and I fear she might really hurt my husband (or me, as the Viper her stole her husband)…do we deserve to die because she is ill?
Like alcoholism, this disorder seems to progress with time, and that’s frightening.

March 15, 2010 at 7:43 am
(116) Lola says:

If you suspect somebody has this and you want what is good for you, do yourselves a favour and run the other way and never look back. Block them from your e-mails, change your phone number and don’t talk anything with them. Don’t trust a word comming from the mouth of a borderline. They have no idea what they are talking about. They lie pathologically and belive their lies. They are devils in disguise and exist because innocent people just can’t belive that somebody can be like that. Sex with them is so incredible because this way they can spred their evil seed and rise their children to be borderlines too. The consequences of this “illness” are so astonishing I would’t be surprised if these people are the root of all evil on this planet.

March 15, 2010 at 1:55 pm
(117) overwhelmed says:

Living with someone who has this disorder is nearly impossible, even when your partner acknowledges that he/she has a problem and seeks help. The process of recovery is slow, if at all possible, and very painful for both parties.

The partner without BPD will take an emotional beating on a regular basis and unfortunately, in some case a physical one too. It’s an emotional roller-coaster that never comes to a halt. Is it worth it? I don’t know. The wounds inflicted by your BPD partner are very deep and leave awful scars. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover.

To get to the point of questioning your own sanity because of the emotional turmoil you are subjected too on a daily basis, is a very frightening place to find yourself in.

I have tried everything I know to help my partner and all I’ve gotten is pain. He knows he has a problem and he is finally seeking help but I don’t know if for us as a couple it’s too late. He will always be to me a walking time bomb that can go off at any moment, regardless of provocation or lack of.

I am emotionally drained, mentally exhausted and I’m starting to feel the effects this relationship has had on me on a physical level.

I’m a pretty well-rounded individual with very little issues of self-esteem and insecurities. I’d say that before this relationship I was very emotionally balanced and content but now, I’m not so sure anymore. I am so tired and sore from the incessant fighting. My relationship has become a fight for survival.

Living with someone who has BPD is a very lonely place to be in. Your partner is your enemy and you have to protect yourself form him/her all the time. That’s not a good relationship by any means. Your partner should be your sanctuary not your battlefield.

If you know you have BPD don’t get involved with someone until your disorder is under control. And if you are in a relationship, live separately until you have it under control. If you have children, the non BPD partner: GET OUT WITH YOUR KIDS!

BPD patients are not to blame for their condition nor are they bad people; they are ill, very ill. BUT they are fully responsible for their actions. Being ill is not a license or a free pass to be an a**hole. Being ill does not give your permission or the right to abuse those around you.

Patients with BPD project their illness unto others; you’re the sick one, you’re wrong, you are evil.

They manipulate, twist your words and actions to justify their abusive behavior. They vilify their partners, to your family, to your friends, to their family, to their friends. They lie constantly, I don’t know if it is compulsive or not, but it happens all the time. They purposely push your triggers to anger you when you are trying so hard to remain calm and help them. They sometimes threaten to commit suicide, sometimes do it, or they may lash out physically against their partner.

I watched my partner pretend to slice his wrist, tell me he couldn’t do it, then point the knife at his stomach and say he was going to kill himself that way. He later admitted he couldn’t do it because it hurt too much so he told me he’d kill me instead.

They are inconsistent with their thoughts, actions and emotions. They change their mind without notice and they see slights, insults and attacks directed at them all the time.

They insult you, belittle you, berate you and humiliate you in any way they can. And it doesn’t matter how many times you ask them to stop, they will not. You love them, they know it, and they will hurt you for it.

You are living with someone who has no control and makes you pay for it. And believe me, you will pay!

Please read this: http://echo.me.uk/bpd2.htm, it is difficult to read but it’s also very descriptive of the disorder.

This illness is not a joke. It’s like an emotional nuke and you’re the target.

There’s no relenting, you will not get breaks to recover, time outs to sort out your emotions and gather about your wits, you don’t have time to heal from what has been done to you and you are always at fault, always. Your emotions are of no value to your partner, the pain the cause of no importance and “you must get over your anger issues” right away because you make them feel bad.

At times I have wondered if this condition involves sadism as one of its symptoms and manifestations. He seems to derive pleasure from causing me pain. If he hurts me, he feels empowered and accomplished and he feels so please with himself, then come the apologies and the self-loathing from his part. This cycles never changes.

This behavior never ceases. They are always doing something or thinking something that will cause their loved ones a lot of pain and heartache. It’s almost like they have no conscience or emotions other than destructive ones; cruelty being the main motivation behind all their behaviors.

Their brains do not work like ours. They don’t think like we do. Our logic does not work with these people. Sometimes not even love and understanding works. They distort reality to fit whatever state of mania they are in at the moment and the more you try to reason the worse it gets for you.

I don’t know what works and again, I don’t know if it’s worth t it to see the relationship through.

I don’t want to sound callous, unkind or to come across as lacking compassion. The last thing I want to do is say things that may be hurtful for someone with BPD, I know you are ill and it’s not your fault. I know this, but it’s not your partner/family/friend’s fault either.

Living with a partner that has BPD is as close to hell as I can imagine hell to be.

Bottom line is we only live once and we don’t get second chances once we are done with our lives. It is up to you, the non-BPD partner, to decide if it’s worth sticking it out for someone that may never recover.

I made the mistake of thinking that unconditional love and support would make him feel safe enough for him to get better. It does not work like that. Love doesn’t work, support doesn’t work, nothing works. He is broken beyond repair. I think he is just hopeless. I want to believe that I’m wrong but deep down inside I know he’s just too damaged to be helped.

Personally, I wish I had never met my partner. I wish I had met someone kind and stable that cared for me. Instead I found myself trapped in a nightmare, with a monster of a man coming at me all the time.

March 18, 2010 at 7:32 pm
(118) Trying to Try says:

Let me say that I read all the earlier posts, and I have to say that one thing I noticed is that everyone has some very valid points. I agree that BPD people can be hurtful, destructive, and monstrous. I can say that honestly, and without malice, as I’ve recently been diagnose BPD and bipolar. Let me tell you, I was horrible to my first husband, lashing out, hurting him physically and verbally, adulturous, you name it, I did it. It’s no wonder then that we divorced seven years later, and he fought hard to get custody of our two small kids. At the time I was outraged, of course, and lashed out at him through the courts and his friends and family. Thankfully, he got custody of the kids (I can say that now). My behavour became steadily worse after my divorce, and I hurt many people who were trying to be close to me. I remarried (blindly, not knowing that maybe I was sick) and had more children. I got lucky, and my husband has been so supportive. Though he has gone through hell with me, he is adamant about helping me help myself. I have ruined his reputation, got him fired from almost every job he’s had in seven years, left him, lied about him, had him put in jail twice. He’s seen it all with me. It’s been his support and encouragement and utter patience that sent me to the doctor, where we learned that I’m not a total and complete psycho b*tch, but sick, and needing help. And I can honestly say, Good! There is finally a reason to the madness. I know why I behave the way I do. I’m learning to cope.
To those of you who have suffered terribly at the hands of a BPD spouse/family member/etc, let me first say how sorry I am. It must be completely heartbreaking to love someone who will not and or cannot love back. The abuses are traumatic and I’m not trying to downplay them in any way. But may I take this moment to also point out that a BPD person is also suffering inside, where it can’t be seen. It’s a mental anguish that makes you wish you were dead. I have tried so many times to ‘straighten out’ and failed, and felt unworthy and useless, only to learn that it’s not my fault! It’s a disorder, not something I picked up at the grocery store….If your BPD loved one is willing to get help, and you are willing to go through the therapy and meds trials with them, there can be some hope! Not all BPDs are hopeless!!
Just wanted to share my opinion. I hope it will help someone, somewhere who is dealing with this terrible disorder.

March 25, 2010 at 5:36 pm
(119) Closeshave says:

To all the BPD’s here, making the case that us NonBPD’s should be willing to be a martyr for this noble cause (no surprises there), how about you stop inflicting yourself onto others until you have gotten professional help and fixed yourself? Which part of you are not fit to be married do you not get? Did you not know that you had all these issues, inner struggle? Yet knowingly you went ahead and selfishly involved others (often under false pretext), ruined their lives (along with your children’s lives, how do you reconcile that?). Talk about having an exaggerated sense of entitlement! You people make me laugh. This just goes to show how far BPD’s would go into rationalizing their behavior, when they are nothing but evil people that would knowingly harm others. Bottom line, it’s a matter of having a conscience, no two ways about it.

April 6, 2010 at 4:55 pm
(120) Barely See My Kids says:

I’ve been through a very miserable divorce with an ex that I believe has BPD.

I thought I’d be able to have significant time with our kids given how malicious she is. But that hasn’t turned out to be the case because she’s an amazingly good manipulator and was able to use domestic violence and child abuse allegations to keep me away from our kids. Then she was able to drag out the court case and psychological/custody evaluation for years while recruiting dozens of people to help her lie and attack me.

Her success at cutting me out of our children’s lives for years then was used a justification to keep doing that, even though the court and a psychological evaluator decided her accusations were false.

The psychological evaluation took years to complete and was hugely expensive. Yet it was flawed and failed to hold her accountable for the things she did and included many false and unjustifiable statements about me because the evaluator was confused by the distortion campaign and personal biases.

I’ve come to learn how dangerous psychological evaluations can be with people like her. I wish I had known about this earlier and would have avoided wasting many tens of thousands of dollars on that damaging process.

There’s an article that discusses problems with psychological evaluations with borderlines and narcissists that rings very true to me as I’ve had a number of the things it mentions happen to me. If you’ve got kids and are divorcing a borderline or narcissist and think that a psychological or custody evaluation is somehow going to help you get reasonable custody, you should really read Personality Disordered Abusers in Psychological Evaluations to disabuse yourself of false conceptions you may have about how these things work when there’s a maliciously manipulative parent involved.

April 9, 2010 at 9:09 am
(121) MIke says:

I have been married to a woman for 9 years who seems to closely fit BPD. She refuses to get diagnosed though 3 doctors that I know of have suggested therapy and medication. She will ocassionaly take her meds but tells me that she hates them.
I have come to the realization that she is an enormous burden and embarassment. I can take the constant emotional and verbal abuse (she has tried to get physically abusive a few times but I easily stopped her)My problem is our children,I am terrified of her effect on them and that if I divorce her she will get custody and she will crush their spirit. I intervene constantly when she bullies them now but if she was alone with them I know she would torture them emotionally and is very likely to start lashing out. When not screaming at the top of her lungs, she will often refuse to speak to our 3 or 5 year old for a day or two based on some imagined slight and I can see her often holding herself back from hitting them. How do I help my kids??

April 10, 2010 at 2:59 am
(122) fed up in michigan says:

I`ve been married to a man with BPD for 22 years. He was diagnosed around year 10 of our marriage. He refuses to get help. He lies constantly, is a taker, not a giver emotionally. The one doctor he saw for a very short time said he was stuck emotionally at 16 years old, and it shows believe me.

I call him an emotional arsonist. He runs back and forth between people causing trouble. He`ll tell person A the bad stuff person B has said about them ( embellished and twisted by him ), in a helpful way of course, then run to person B and do the same. Then he steps back and watches the fires roar while everyone looks at him as the good guy. Then he has to make sure they never calm down enough to compare stories. If by chance that happens…he just lies and denies. When I found out how he operated I tried all of the advice, tough love, confronting, not feeding his fires any longer-wouldn`t listen to his gossip and lies anymore, but nothing works. He is just as evil as he`s ever been. I`m the one suffering ill health from all the years of stress with him. He has gotten physically violent at times throughout the years. One time he attacked one of my adult sons from a perceived slight. Kid hadn`t said or done anything, but he was fuming at him and attacked him. I`m 51 and so fed up with his insanity.

April 10, 2010 at 5:50 pm
(123) fed up in michigan says:

cont.

He has also hidden my clothes at times, did things on purpose to anger me so he can get his own way. He figures if we are fighting and not speaking he can go do what he pleases. His thinking borders on the criminal at times. At various times he has taught the kids to do wrong and thought it was funny. His new thing is allowing our 17 month old grandchild who`s a toddler barely walking to walk around with pencils, forks, pick up and play with dangerous things like coins, etc. And then waits for me to say something before he stops him. He`s threatened in the past to kill others and then draw the police into a gun battle so he can go out in a blaze of glory. When we did have sex ( it`s been years now ) he said it made him angry afterwards. I`m sorry, but the ones on here being sympathetic are being unrealistic. These BPD people can be dangerous.

April 11, 2010 at 4:26 am
(124) Protect Your Kids, Mike says:

Mike wrote: “I have been married to a woman for 9 years who seems to closely fit BPD. She refuses to get diagnosed though 3 doctors that I know of have suggested therapy and medication. … How do I help my kids??”

Start preparing for a divorce by gathering evidence of your wife’s emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. Get digital audio recorders and plant them in hidden places where you can capture her rages. Make sure she does not find them. Save the files someplace safe, maybe at work or with a lawyer.

Save the full recordings and also make snippets that quickly show how outrageous she is. You want the full recordings because she will lie and claim you made it all up and it is some hoax and the full recordings will help prove she is the liar. You want the short recordings so you can deal with your lawyer, psychologist, etc. without having to pay them to listen to hundreds of hours of recordings which mostly are going to be boring and uninteresting because you have to leave them running all the time to catch the rages that can start with no apparent reason at a moment’s notice. You may get advice that this kind of recording is illegal. So is child abuse and spousal abuse, but nobody is protecting your family from it because they won’t believe it is happening. IMHO, you’re better off risking a misdemeanor charge for illegal recording that will be laughed out of court by a jury that hears the recordings and realizes you and your kids are being abused.

Start reading about Borderline mothers and how they affect children. Don’t let your wife know you’re doing this. She will probably be further enraged if she finds out.

Good books to read include those on borderlines, narcissists, emotional abuse, and parental alienation. Your children are probably going to be abused by your wife whether or not you get a divorce. The question is whether you can keep them from being so badly abused that they develop mental health problems themselves.

I’d particularly recommend Dr. Amy Baker’s book Adult Children of Parental Alienation and Randi Kreger’s “Stop Walking on Eggshells” books mentioned in the article BPD Distortion Campaigns.

April 15, 2010 at 3:42 am
(125) Conflicted Soldier says:

This is my first time talking about this in any format. Right now I am deployed to Afghanistan and been waiting to get home. Last month my wife of 2 years admitted to have a number of affairs while I’ve been gone. 2 when I was in basic and 8 in the first 2 weeks of March. I myself am also at fault for this as well having an affair myself before I left. But after talking to the Chaplain here and thinking about what all has happened in our past I believe that she might be a Borderline suffer as well.

When I did some research on the symptoms of the disorder I found that my wife displayed a number of the signs. She is constantly bringing up ideas of me leaving her for another woman. She has always had a bit of a problem with drinking but now it has gotten way out of hand without me being there to keep it under control. And with her having a number of affairs while I’ve been gone could also point to it some more. Also she has been spending money like crazy and now I’m coming home with practically nothing.

Also she has shown signs of Bipolar Disorder, for example there have been time when we were having a perfectly fine conversation and it just went to hell when I mentioned the wrong thing and the next hour is spent attacking me. Lately she has been talking to me about hurting herself and committing suicide and I’ve been trying to get her to see a doctor about it and still she has yet to go even after promising it time and time again.

And there have been a number of times when I was assaulted by her with the most recent one ending in me finally calling the police and her being arrested. And in our 2 years of marriage she is constantly telling me that I do not care enough and am never there for her when in fact I do everything in my life for her and our daughter. I have also just realized after doing some research on Distortion Campaigns by telling my step mother about me having an affair but not mentioning what happened with her. And that’s just what I know has been put out. I’m still trying to get information on what else she has told our friends and family about me. As for the affairs she is still stating that what I did is far worse than what she did since I apparently had an emotional involvement.

I know this seems like I’m just trying to pass the blame or make her look bad but I can honestly say that I am not. I love my wife with my entire being but I can’t keep doing this. But I know that when I get home soon she will try to make everything better or us the I hate you don’t leave me method to keep me around. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to deal with this problem she has and her infidelity.

I am also worried that my daughter could have it and any advice on what to look for in young children would be really helpful. Any advice on what I should do about my wife on the subject would be much appreciated as well. Thank you.

April 22, 2010 at 3:24 am
(126) Bipolar vs. BPD says:

Conflicted Soldier wrote:

Also she has shown signs of Bipolar Disorder, for example there have been time when we were having a perfectly fine conversation and it just went to hell when I mentioned the wrong thing and the next hour is spent attacking me. Lately she has been talking to me about hurting herself and committing suicide and I’ve been trying to get her to see a doctor about it and still she has yet to go even after promising it time and time again.

What you’re describing sounds a lot like BPD. BPD and bipolar disorder are frequently confused and the diagnostic tests for them may not help matters. BPD mood swings tend to be more rapid than those for bipolar disorder. Suicidal behaviors and threats are also common for some who suffer from BPD.

To get a sense of some of the differences and reasons for confusion, read Screening Tests Confuse Bipolar and Borderline Disorders.

April 26, 2010 at 5:38 am
(127) Jessica says:

Fraternal twin is borderline, undiagnosed because she does not engage with professionals long enough.
Has destroyed (unwittingly) family with the divide and rule tactics followed by distortion campaigns.It is an absolute nightmare seeing her needs followed by her self-sabotage time and time again. The cycle goes round and round and round. She half sees the light, people re-engage, then she destroys again.
Am sick of this “lets be understanding and have compassion” philosophy. Sure, these people are mentally ill and it’s NOT their fault. But – the non-BPD’s in a family absolutely have the right to be in despair because of the damage BPD’s inflict on them. It is SO difficult to continually engage with the ill person, knowing that each time you do you line yourself up to be tomorrow’s target.
“Normal” people SHOULD be angry when they are continually lied about and misrepresented to others they know. Problem being that the BPD’s supporters take a risk every time “compassion” is shown.
Trust is built up in hope, just to be smashed every time.
After 30 years of the hell my sister has subjected both herself and family to, all I want is amnesia.
The non-BPD’s are stuck with horrific memories whilst all too often the BPD has little recall because (as in sister’s case – drinking up to 8 bottles of strong wine a day for weeks at a time until inevitable detox) they choose to be “out of it”. WE have to stay sound and sober – there is no escape for us. Our price for caring is more pain.
The whole condition is heart-breaking.

April 29, 2010 at 1:49 am
(128) TryingNotToBeIgnorant says:

I live with one. we went in front of a lawyer for a divorce and she flip flopped. now she is the sweetest thing… for how long. I am actually reconsidering… Why? That is what they do. I know this but will someone PLEASE plull my head out! I know it is a ploy but she is GOOD at what she does…
Please… I have a child with her. 1 yr old. OMG what do I do?

April 30, 2010 at 4:26 am
(129) overwhelmed says:

@ TryingNotToBeIgnorant: get your wife to a psychiatrist. She needs meds. She also will need therapy, possibly Dialectical Behavior Therapy. First off though, she needs to accept that she has a serious mental disorder/problem and she needs to agree to get help.

If she won’t do this; get out. Get a good, and I mean GOOD, attorney, contact CPS and get ready for the battle of your lifetime.

May 3, 2010 at 8:20 pm
(130) Joy says:

I just have this to say I am right now trying to figure out if I should divorce my husband of 10 years after 10 years of pure hell.I know he has a BPD for sure! first clue he was 35 and living with his mom still he had never married and or dated .I knew him from high school but not tht well.Iknew he was quiet but I had no clue at the time he was even slightly as wacked as i now know he is .After we were married I caught him my the bathroom MBing in my 16 y/o sons boxershorts.He swore it wasn’twhat i think ! We fought and I almost left then.after that it was and almost crazy obsession for underwear! this man buys underwear every trip to a store he makes.he has 4 dawers of just underwear! then his obsession for straight jackets.He is always looking at them on Utube at first i thought he just like watching people escape from them like magic but then he started going to ebay looking to buy them .and thats when i put it together with the fact that he loved to hold people down rendering them from being able to move. another obbsession of his footed PJ’s ,Adult diapers,the more i type the more creeped out I am ! to look at him you would think he was a nice clean cut man willing to do anything to help his fellow man but truthfully he is self serving ,he breaks things gets angry over stupid little nothing things and seems unconcerned over big problems.God I wish i had seen all of this before I married him.He sneaks to porn sites watches bondage videos and he tries to hide itall from me .He don’t keep a job and he finds it to be funny when someone is suffering.He tells awful lies on me and to me he prides himself in his living secret life he calls it I have yet to figure out what that is .I have recently been catching him Mbating to horror movies !!!! Jeepers Creepers to be exact.So what do you think ? Should I get me and my two little kids away from him ?

May 16, 2010 at 7:20 pm
(131) xx says:

dr debashis karmokar,
start DBT, use stabilising medications, tell your wife that to really heal, you need to do this on your own. if you wish to stop causing her pain, this is what you must do. not suicide.

May 27, 2010 at 12:58 am
(132) Ak says:

i divorced. I went through hell to do it. but nothing matched the hell of being with her. The kids will fare better now that BPD is not the end all and be all. It has been a year. It is amazing the difference I feel. I have spent every last penny I’ve ever saved, lived on couches, and floors to scrape by. I make 6 figures. she’s taken everything. I’m still better today than i was in our big house. And the kids are better in this tiny apt than in that life of constant terror.

May 31, 2010 at 2:13 am
(133) Left her in her own hell says:

wow. I married a woman who at the time I met her was doing pretty well. It was during the first year before we got married that i should have seen the signs.
Her father is Bi-poler who self medicates he is a doctor and not in the psych field, her first husband who holds two degrees fell down as far as being her friends mothers gopher it took him years to get back into living a “normal” life and when I met her brother he told me in these words “run its going to be all about her you won’t make out of this”
But I was in love and could not see the trees….

She asked me to marry her, it took me three days to answer I said yes but only after she agreed to work on having my two girls from a past relationship come to live with us as my ex’s life style was not healthy for my girls.
Six weeks after our wedding she had her “therapist”( I say it that way because they spent many summers alone at a lake house together) tell me that was not going to happen and that we needed to work on our relationship to insure its base which I understood.
Five months after the wedding while in her neurologists office he was treating her for seizure disorder he told us that she needed to change her meds this would however mean that I would need to do everything for her for up to six months which meant I would have to work hours that made it possable for me to drive her to and from work and 100% of everything else. That state does not have any firms that do that any work in my field, I had been working in temp work so it was easy for her to ask me to take care of her during this time and stay home again I said ok I love you this what you need.
Ok I am getting a little up set i will continue this later

June 10, 2010 at 12:28 pm
(134) Tony says:

Has anyone used BPD as a method for annulment in Colorado or other No-Fault State?

My wife has been diagnosed with BPD and can relate and have experienced everything here. After 2 years of pain I am trying to run away from the situation. She has a daughter who is caught with her and in a custody battle with the father. The blame, lies, manipulation and irrational everything is taking everything over from having filed for divorce just 3 days ago. I’m working on a mediatior to keep her appeased until I can find some money. Because of her, we are in financial ruins. I could stand in one place with my eyes closed and hands tied behind my back and she would run around me in circles yelling and screaming bloody murder. I’ve never lifted a finger to her and she has gone to all our mutual friends describing the horrors of my existence. Most have known me long enough to bring to me what she is doing and don’t believe a word. It is still hard
I am scared of what I am up against. I know there are support groups for those with BPD, how about support for those of us living in fear of it?

June 16, 2010 at 9:47 pm
(135) Samantha says:

I am sickened by most of the posts on here. I suffer from BPD and the more I read through these comments.. the more I felt like a monster.

You should feel ashamed.

June 17, 2010 at 4:34 pm
(136) Arjun says:

I am living with my wife and kids for about 10 years- she had problems since our marriage – first with my parents the her parents, my siblings, her siblings , my friends etc etc … then after a while her employer then another employer … etc etc and of course me. recently we found that she is a patient of BPD.

I experienced that how it feels to live in such a relationship. Any thing can trigger her emotions doenot matter its your fault or not.

and the first thing now come to her mind is Divorce. We have kids together and living kids with a BPD is also not safe either …..

every time this whole thing triggers I think that this is the time to get separate but then things come back to normal for few days and I forget all what happend ….

but now on I am keeping a log of what trigers it and its a never ending list … sometimes even you talk to some one and Boom…

I cannot understand is – why its only in front of people she wants to show – not in front of neighbors – her emplyer, with a store keeper etc etc…

but still I feel bad for her … :(

June 20, 2010 at 9:34 pm
(137) mamone says:

This is all very discouraging. I love my husband and father of our 15-month-old daughter but it has become such a struggle. I made a huge mistake and now I’m paying for it.
We had split three years ago after I had found out about him cheating on me. Of course, according to him, I, my behavior had driven him to cheat in the first place. When I tried to leave him first, he begged me for forgiveness. We tried to make it work, but he never cut ties to the woman he was cheating with. We had horrible fights, he cut his arm in front of me. Of course, he didn’t want to get stitches. It would have required him to admit that the cuts
were self-inflicted.
Fast forward to 2008. We got back together again. I got pregnant. We got married. We have a beautiful baby girl.
For a while I felt something off but didn’t act on it – out of fear of provoking him. Today I found prove that he’s still/again seeing that same woman and also visiting prostitutes. Aside from that, there are substance abuse problems, he spends money irresponsibly. Unfortunately, I lost my job and I’m fearing that we’ll hit rock bottom as a family if I don’t get my daughter and myself out of this nightmare.
My husband is/has been in therapy but is not truthful to his therapist.
I, myself, grew up with an alcoholic mother who was also a hoarder. I fought so hard to get out of that situation.
I can’t do this and I don’t want it for my daughter.
I feel so sorry for my husband but he denies that he’s sick and seriously believes that marijuana is the answer to his issues since it keeps him “level”.

June 21, 2010 at 12:06 pm
(138) bpd says:

Hi everyone,
I want to leave a comment on this thread because it is one I have really struggled with. On the one hand, I get many emails from readers telling me how helpful this thread has been because it helps them feel they are not alone, that others understand how difficult it can be to be in a BPD relationship, etc. One the other hand, I get emails from people with BPD telling me that they find this thread offensive and hurtful.

The About.com BPD site is meant to be helpful to both people with BPD and their loved ones, so I feel that the experience from both sides needs to be represented. And I know that many people have been hurt by their BPD partners. But, I don’t think it’s helpful to hurl insults, or gross-overgeneralizations toward people with BPD.

I strongly believe that people with BPD are not bad people. They are hurting in a way that few of us could ever understand, and often their behavior in reaction to that hurt causes pain for others. And with treatment, people with BPD can overcome the disorder.

June 29, 2010 at 1:44 pm
(139) Semper Fi says:

My spouse insists I have BPD so I had to look this up. My spouse initiated divorce proceedings two years ago. Before he did that, he burned all my clothes and secretly gave up our three family dogs to an animal shelter. I found them but undeterred he “dognapped” them again and gave them up to Labs For Rescue and then to a private family. He stole our daughter’s softball bag and refused to return it knowing she had critical tournament games coming up. He offered to give it up when the season was over. I stopped reporting these incidents to the sheriff’s office because they said it was community property and nothing could be done about it. He had his mother take our son to Alabama and when they returned enrolled him in a different school. He called my employer to state that I was suicidal. He started showing up at my daughter’s ball games and told all the parents I was suicidal. He came over to the house to put sugar in my company car fuel tank. He kept calling me to ask me how my engine was running and later told me what he did. He stole my company laptop and only when my company pursued felony charges did he return it. He insisted on two psychological exams for the divorce proceedings. Both found nothing on me and found him to be highly paranoid. He reported to OCS that our son was suicidal. OCS in return charged him emotional abuse. What is my point here? My spouse has made several comments on this page. He is very sympathetic to Kathleen. How do I know? Because once he does, he copies and pastes and emails me his comments. What is my point here? He insists I am the one BPD. You have to wonder maybe there are many with BPD writing comments here. Reading all this stuff makes a lot of sense and explains my spouse but he will swear up and down I am the one with it. Presently he is threatening me to go to yet a third psychiatrist.

June 29, 2010 at 1:50 pm
(140) Semper Fi says:

My spouse insists I have BPD so I had to look this up. My spouse initiated divorce proceedings two years ago. Before he did that, he burned all my clothes and secretly gave up our three family dogs to an animal shelter. I found them but undeterred he “dognapped” them again and give them up to Labs For Rescue and then to a private family. He stole our daughter’s softball bag and refused to return it knowing she had critical tournament games coming up. He offered to give it up when the season was over. I stopped reporting these incidents to the sheriff’s office because they said it was community property and nothing could be done about it. He had his mother take our son to Alabama and when they returned enrolled him in a different school. He called my employer to state that I was suicidal. He started showing up at my daughter’s ball games and told all the parents I was suicidal. He came over to the house to put sugar in my company car fuel tank. He kept calling me to ask me how my engine was running and later told me what he did. He stole my company laptop and only when my company pursued felony charges did he return it. He insisted on two psychological exams for the divorce proceedings. Both found nothing on me and found him to be highly paranoid. He reported to OCS that our son was suicidal. OCS in return charged him emotional abuse. What is my point here? My spouse has made several comments on this page. He is very sympathetic to Kathleen. How do I know? Because once he does, he copies and pastes and emails me his comments. What is my point here? He insists I am the one BPD. You have to wonder maybe there are many with BPD writing comments here. Reading all this stuff makes a lot of sense and explains my spouse but he will swear up and down I am the one with it. Presently he is threatening me to go to yet a third psychiatrist.

July 1, 2010 at 7:01 pm
(141) FacingReality says:

Semper Fi,

Of course the comments here are really anonymous, so it is quite likely that some who post about their horrible BPD stories are actually projecting and delusional and are in fact the one with BPD. Victims of BPD understand the distortion campaign all too well.

While I was never accused of BPD by my BPD spouse, I was accused of many other horrible things, many of which I was largely unaware of until the time I left her.

For people close to a couple in which one has BPD, it may be hard to distinguis who the innocent party is… such is the nature of the distortion campaign. But there is always one clue. The victim would almost always be the one initiating the divorce or leaving the relationship. Because underneath all the hate that spews from a BPD lies the root of all the evil… a severe insecurity and terrible abandonment issues. Therefore, I can’t imagine the BPD would ever initiate an ending of the relationship. The exception, of course, would be if the BPD KNEW that the other was ending the relationship, they might initiate the breakup to be able to point the finger.

It’s all very incideous and a shame. I’m now a year past the ending of my trauma and doing much better. I dated a few women but found it hard to move forward past that. Just too soon. But I can feel that changing, too, thankfully. The point is, when the REAL victim takes control of his/her life- understanding how hard, painful, and costly it might be- things will get better over time.

Best of luck to the other victims, and yes even to the BPDs, too. While I can’t help my ex-wife, I sincerely hope she will help herself one day- unlikely, of course. If you’re a BPD or truly thought to be a BPD, you can take control of your life, too. You just have to want it. Go and get the help.

July 13, 2010 at 12:05 am
(142) Aden Ford says:

I haven’t told my wife that I am ready to file for divorce because I’m afraid of how she will respond but I need to do something within the next month. It’s not a matter of stepping back and thinking about it I have been secretly contemplating divorcing my borderline personality disorder wife for six months now. Can you give me what you would consider your top three tips or advice for divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder?

http://www.bpdsecrets.com/advice-for-divorcing-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

July 23, 2010 at 11:46 pm
(143) linda morgan says:

noone understands the nightmare of living with a bpd until you have done so. I have. They cannot be helped unless they want it. Logic and reason has zero impact on a bpd. If your spouse is borderline, do NOT beat yourself up by trying to help him/her. I did and it nearly killed me. After I finally left it took me years…now 8…to recover the damage done to me. He is now finanically ruined because of years of reckless spending for things for himself that he did not need and we couldn’t begin to pay for. I wish someone had given me the advice I am giving to anyone will listen. Get out. NOW

August 2, 2010 at 5:31 am
(144) Nichola says:

QUOTE
(135) Samantha says:

“I am sickened by most of the posts on here. I suffer from BPD and the more I read through these comments.. the more I felt like a monster.

You should feel ashamed.”

I totally agree, Do you people not think that there is obviously something wrong with you that makes you want to come on here and discuss your ‘Partners’ illness??

Using Mental illness as a weapon is low!! and using it as an excuse to blame your partner for everything that has gone wrong in your relationship is just pathetic!

BPD is an illness, not an excuse for you to deny being responsible for anything that happens where the sufferer of BPD is involved.

August 16, 2010 at 3:19 pm
(145) Sympathizer says:

Well, I am seeing alot of similar nightmares on here. It is nice to know I am not alone in the insanity I have dove into by being with someone with borderline personality disorder. I have seen many people judge on here about how insensitive and uncompassionate the spouses of those with BPD are, and I am here to tell you, NO amount of love, patience, or compassion will help. You can either endure it or you can’t, and you have to choose whether you want to stay with a person this obnoxious and surrounded by dramatic madness or not. And when people choose, or not, it’s not because they lack compassion. We are not demonizing people with BPD, we are sharing stories about the genuine hell it is to endure them, and we endure them not from lack of love, quite the opposite, because we love them and need support to deal with them.

I have experienced daily drama, and all the ignoring argument traps and soothing words cannot keep her from miring herself in drama. Drama follows her. She creates it, she reacts badly to normal things, it is a battle to avoid triggering her, I always fear triggering her and god knows ANYTHING can trigger her, instead of talking it escalates into screaming no matter how simple the topic and a simple issue can inflate into a nightmare. She will threaten to do irrational things if I do not engage her in argument, will argue in circles alone if I say nothing, will harass me to no end when I try to give her the space she needs to come down trying to argue, she lives for finding reasons to argue, she manipulates and lies, she screams and is paranoid, she is unstable and determined to argue, her perception is warped and paranoid and jealous, she chooses the exact things to try and geta rise out of me but I have learned not to react. I have never cared for someone so much, but I am my ropes end and I cannot stand this anymore. They say borderline comes from being on the edge of being diagnosed as psychotic, and if you have ever been around them you would understand. I have never been around such drama in my life, yet she swears it’s me. She goes off the deep end, and swears its me. She runs and villifies me to everyone that everything is me. I, like one of the previous posters, have slept on couches and that is no way to live. I have left before, packed my things, and she claimed to the neighbors who heard her screaming that “Everything was fine, she is leaving” as if I was the instigator. She screamed her head off until someone came to help me leave and she all of a sudden got very calm and told the person “She has calmed down now that you’re here” ITS INSANITY. She chases me around to argue and I won’t, and finally I leave, and she calls the person and says “If she gives you trouble, just kick her out.” SERIOUSLY??? I leave to give her space and she drives there to try and argue. She parks behind me to keep me leaving. It is drama all the time. She has a volatile relationship with everyone in her life, and I have never experienced this insanity with anyone, yet she says it is me. I know it’s not. If you have been with a perosn with BPD, you can relate that it is nothing short of a nightmare, and that they make you feel CRAZY. SHe justifies everything, warps everything to where she is a victim, where she is reasonable and sane no matter how crazy she becomes. It is tiring. It will wear you out. And it doesn’t improve. It is all about endurance, and if anyone on here has endured for any significant amount of time, hats off to you. I am considering severing ties with this person altogether, because this is no way to live. And it will not get better.

Someone ssid earlier that we should be ashamed because we are making them out to be monsters. We are not. That is a classic example of one of two things. Either you yourself have the condition and do not realze the effect you have on others, or you have never been with someone like this. We love them, but love isn’t enough to endure the nightmare and call it a quality life.

August 23, 2010 at 10:52 pm
(146) Abused by a Borderline says:

I agree with Sympathizer. Living with a Borderline is a living hell. No matter what you do for them, no matter how empathetic, sensitive, sympathetic, or whatever to them you want to be, it doesn’t mean a thing to the Borderline. They think they are the center of the universe and we should all bow down before them and worship them. If we don’t, we should be prepared for their wrath. My soon to be ex-wife (but not soon enough) just can’t have peace in her life, she has to stir up drama and fights if things are too calm. If I got into an argument with her, I would try to go to another room to get away from her and let things cool off. That never worked. A Borderline will NOT be ignored. They will come after you with a gas can in each hand, prepared to keep the fire going at all cost. She would come into the room where I had gone to escape her and continue to try and fight with me. If I tried to leave the house to let things cool off, she would stand in front of the door to keep me from leaving, then taun me, saying “come on, hit me, I know you want to.” Then I would go to another door and she would race me to try and prevent me from leaving. If I managed to get outside, she would race me to the car. If I didn’t get in fast enough and lock the door, she would get in also. If I got to the car, got in and locked the door, she would then stand behind the car to keep me from leaving. It is insanity! Plus, my wife liked to call 911 for any little argument. Finally she succeeded in getting me arrested for domestic battery, which I did not do. She had a bruise on an arm (from elbow surgery) when the police arrived, and they asked no questions. They took me to jail where I sat until the next day and went before a judge before being released. A year later I am still fighting the charges. I moved out in May, 2010 as I couldn’t take it anymore. Then she, not I, filed for divorce. Now she has fabricated stories that I abused the children, so at the last divorce hearing she succeeded in convincing the judge I was the problem. Never mind the fact that when the kids were left with a babysitter while we went to work, they would never ask for their mother, only me, according to the babysitter. Living with a Borderline is insanity in and of itself. No matter how hard one tries, no matter how calm you may be, eventually you will lose it and have to leave. It is a nightmare that continues to this day.

August 31, 2010 at 12:23 am
(147) Atlanta One says:

I met a BPD for just minutes about eleven years ago at a Big Ten picnic and the girl (HR employment lawyer) has been stalking me w/ a BPD vilification/distortion campaign since…get away from these people!!! I went no contact almost immediately but no luck…her hotel group co-workers must be suffering. Interpersonally exploitive and manipulative as well as pathological liars! DSM-IV Cluster B proxies are essential to the campaign…

September 7, 2010 at 11:29 am
(148) Tre says:

I was in a relationship, for several years, with a person who is BDP and Bi Polar. Despite her being very mild tempered, I believe I spent most of my time dealing with her excess of issues, her having violent thoughts (screws going through her legs or someone blowing her head off etc.) She has many cuts downs her bicep and use to cut her ankles. She finds no problems of showing these off and I believe she finds a level of normalcy in showing them off in her short sleeve shirts. I felt embarassed by these and I shrugged at going around family members with this display. Her family likes to pretend that she is okay, but in a true reality they are the root of her down fall. She always was into leaving the relationship and then like a cold puppy down, she wiggled her way back to me. She left again this time her method of seperation was to mail me my key back and disapear. I think someone said it best in this article. If you are in a relationship with one of these guys, stop and run, you don’t need this crap in your life!

September 20, 2010 at 11:50 pm
(149) Steve says:

Every situation is different. Those who’ve lived with a BPD partner (like myself) need to try not to make general “LEAVE” statements. And those with BPD, or just outsiders wondering what the heck is going on, need to try to understand how much the BPD “supporter” has gone through.

Yes, the pain the person with BPD feels must be horrendous. I just walked in on my wife cutting tonight, b/c my son didn’t want her to stay in his room at bedtime to read. (that was the trigger, but the overall feelings are much more complex than that). But then when i told her I’m sorry, I don’t know why he does that, but I think it’s a phase and I told him that when he screams or tells someone to leave it hurts their feelings, she said, “don’t try to pretend like you care.”

Last week, she told me she can’t be married to me anymore, b/c I’m not supportive enough. I validate her daily, but she wants me to blindly fight her battles with each person in her life without applying any of my own logic or decisions. When I told her I agreed, she said she never really meant it. It’s exhausting to feel normal, to crave a normal relationship, to think you were getting into one, but to have every day of your life absorbed with damage control. Worrying for your spouses, your own, your children’s health. After working so hard, to hear your spouse make threats, to hear that you don’t do anything for them, that you don’t care, that THEY don’t want you, that they’ll kill themselves if you go do something on your own, to bear them cursing at you while you’re expected to be ever-supportive and angelic, is disheartening. You put all this work in, but it just goes into a black hole.

Add on top of this other more direct or heinous things. In my case, my wife emotionally cheated. Basically maintained a relationship with a guy. Stopped just short of actual sex.

When you hear people on here say “horrible” things about people with BPD, please be empathetic of THEIR stories. They’ve probably been through a lot.

September 24, 2010 at 2:16 am
(150) Married To A Borderline says:

@ Abused by a borderline, this is my story as well, my wife of 6 years used to follow me around the whole house when I refused to argue, all the while degrading and cursing me, and when I try to leave the house the same running to beat me to the door situation. If I make it outside, the standing in front of the car – even in a snowstorm with a nightgown and bare feet (causing frostbite and a hospital visit)… You just cant get away from the craziness. Over recent years I have learned to avoid the triggers, and stop arguments early in the first phase when she begins to become frustrated with me for some unknown reason. If I walk away then or remain non-argumentative, it will run a short course with a little devaluation or perhaps an insult or two, and it’s pretty much over. I choose to take this route 1. I love her 2. I dont want to leave my 3 yr old daughter under her complete jurisdiction, I cant monitor how she is being raised and influenced… but now she is heavy on having a second child. I say HELL NO in my mind and try to be as tactful in describing why I dont think its a good idea… but she persists… I am not putting another little one into this craziness, its enough work trying to shield the one daughter I have… Pray for me…

I think I will make it though, I have developed a pattern of interaction that seems to be working for the most part. And yes we have tried counselors all 3 of them end up getting the boot when they start to identify her as a problem… and she ALWAYS ALWAYS BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING THATS WRONG even though I could show her video tape (and have) that its obvious she is at fault.

I hope I am able to last at least till my daughter is old enough to see this SH#$ for what it is

Good day everyone, and no disrespect to the BP’s at all.

September 24, 2010 at 2:23 pm
(151) Frustrated and Losing Hope says:

I found this post because I’m thinking of divorce.

Do you think my partner has BPD? What first drew me to the BPD diagnosis is that she has a very, very strong pattern of idealizing people, and then hating them. I’ve see it in continually our last 6 years together and in the stories of her past. I believed her distortion campaigns at first and ended up shutting my own family and friends out. I’m repairing that now. More…

1. She asked “do you love me?” about 10 times a day when we first go together, and when I’d answer “yes,” she’d then ask, “why?” She has a fear of abandonment, I think.
2. She’s mildly alcoholic, about 3 drinks every night, sometimes one more. She also can eat half a bag of chips in a night. So that’s some ‘self-damaging impulsivity.”
3. She gets very depressed for half a day or so at a time.
4. She gets very angry for small reasons – although now I do, too.
5. She often complains that she feels “invisible” when I have her around friends. I’ve stopped bringing them around.

So that seems like it meets 6 criteria of the DSM. She has none of the others. What do you think? Oh, and she has a psych degree, so she first idolized therapists, now thinks they’re all quacks.

She doesn’t shout and throw things. She fights fairly, no shouting, often just won’t talk for a day, not too insulting to me (yet) but I’m part of “us” – when I become part of them, I’m sure she’ll start vilifying me.

Is this BPD?

October 8, 2010 at 12:55 am
(152) TryingNotToBeignorant says:

@Frustrated and Losing Hope-To me it sounds like she is most definetly problematic and the result is the same as though she were a BPD (although it does not sound like that to me, bear in mind I am NO expert. I only know the level of mine…WAYYY ADVANCED!) Bottom line, if she wont admit she needs help, BDP, bipolar or whatever it may be…) YOU CANNOT force her nor can you help her. You will burn your life away for nothing…. (unless you have kids and then well, I have a 1.5 year old and my last 5 years of a living hell disappears when I look at him [the gray hair on my head doesn't!]). You cannot make someone quit smoking, drinking, drugs, or change. You didn’t do this to them. Some people are better off alone (and “perfect”).

October 8, 2010 at 1:12 am
(153) TryingNotToBeIgnorant says:

To all of those ‘I think you’re not supportive…’ folk: I hope you NEVER burn years of your life away because you love someone so much who just needs a little comfort at that tipping point, and YOU and YOU ALONE may be the only one who can help. I hope you never find that person who is so perfect so insatiable that you would do anything for them, and they take that (feeling, heart, weakness, whatever you want to call it) and they extort it until all you have left is the flacid pulp like the rind of perfect orange after it’s been juice by an eletric juicer for all it is worth and more.
I hope I never meet you. It is sad, we didn’t ask for it. They didn’t ask for it. But it is there.

October 8, 2010 at 1:27 am
(154) TryingNotToBeignorant says:

@ tormented… Sorry. I hope you are doing better.
I put a restraining order agaist mine a few weeks ago. She has broke it several times. I called the police today. She is in jail as I write this. Our son here with me (sleeping). I find the hardest thing is to look at him and tell him “your mommy loves you” when all I can think about is the horrible things she has said and done to me. She has compared me sexually (in so many ways) to the guys (at least 3) who used to gang rape her at the age of 6(through 9)[literally she would tell me they were better than that, or that is how they used to do it...].
I called the police this morning because she broke the protective order. She was arrested, and the last thing I saw from her was her looking at me saying “you called the police” in disbelief. Why do I feel bad?! YES, I wish all this was over or better never happened but I am protecting my child and myself. AND I FEEL BAD FOR IT!!!! Why?!
I have a good lawyer, the best, but I am still scared. I am out of my mind. I am scared for my son. I know what she is like and I know how cunning and munipulative she is.
(sorry for bad spelling, I’m shaken up). Thank you all for posting. Good luck to all of you.

October 8, 2010 at 1:35 am
(155) TryingNotToBeIgnorant says:

@ Married To A Borderline:
You can pray
she will prey
Get your kid and get out. This is NOT an OK situacion to raise a kid. Get a lawyer (sorry) but do it. Don’t wait. You are only prolonging the agony (yours) and damage (to your kid). GET OUT.

October 13, 2010 at 12:39 am
(156) agonymouse says:

i have a serious BPD, so i wanna say from my own experience: just like everyone else in this world, a person with BPD has to take responsibility for his/her actions and behavior: 100%. someone with BPD is always traumatised somehow (even when it is not verifiable).
they are broken people, and they often feel like a child.
but an explanation of cause is not a justification by reason.
i can say for myself, my last ex-boyfriend was very loving, tender, extremely patient with me and accepted me unconditional. he was the opposite of what i was used to my whole life. his love changed the way i felt towards him, and i started to trust someone: for the first time in my life. but i was the one who had to make a choice, to let him defrost my heart and trust him. unconditional love can really make a difference, but only when it’s a two-way-street.
so if you are married to someone with BPD and he or she refuse to take his/her own responsibility? forget it.
you can care for them year after year, but they are the one who have to make a choice. their life is already destroyed, but if they don’t wanna change and coöperate, your life will be ruined too. i say:”they can’t help it they’re a victim, but it’s their own choice to stay one”
don’t give up on somebody with BPD just like that, but be aware of your own carrying-capacity.

on the other hand: i’m against divorce. if you leave someone with BPD, that person gets the 4285th rejection, why do people marry someone with BPD in the first place?? they could have known… if they took all the time in the world to get to know eachother. they could of work things out before marriage. what’s wrong with dating 4 or 5 years before you marry? no one with BPD can hide his/her problems for so many years. why does people marry so soon these days? it’s their own fault they get into such trouble. patience seems to be a rarity in this world

(sorry for my bad english)

October 17, 2010 at 11:36 pm
(157) lili says:

Run, run, run. Get away from them asap. Do not breed with them. It is hereditary. There isn’t enough representation or money in the world to protect you. I don’t know what idiot said “lying” isn’t one of the indicators. HAH! Lying is their first language. They are delusional and live in a reality of their own making. -Which to a non-BPD equals lying. For the record, I do not give a road apple about what borderlines have to say. Period. Their victims have rights. The right to flee.

October 24, 2010 at 10:23 pm
(158) Donebuthowtolv says:

I’m living with a NPD/BPD wife. Throw on top, a verbally abusive alcoholic.
I think every husbands physical abuse case should be reviewed for “cause” because I can understand the breaking point. She say’s “Be a Man”- ( over and over again.)
I tell her “ I’m better then the average Man ”, ” because I’m not in jail and your not in the hospital or worse ”.. Though we are physically bigger and stronger, The courts and the eyes of the law have reversed this to a point where I have to spend nights barricaded in a back room with our children.
Yet, if we are provoked like this by strangers on the street it’s self defense!
Go Figure ??
The only reason I am still in this home is to be the focus of this abuse, to protect my children from it.
Done But How to Leave ?

December 13, 2010 at 7:32 am
(159) manuella says:

Dear All
Yes, I should have seen the signs the first time my boyfriend scrwed me over and left me. When he came back years later and we married in a few months, its only after living with him for a few months did I realise that logically, it didnt make sense. I googled, and came across this site : http://www.wingsaseaglesministries.org/
This site helped me understand his symptoms and gave me faith to look for a therapist at the first chance I got.
Based on all the years of wisdom and advise above, I shall make my decision.
Thank you god for internet sharing!
cheers

January 3, 2011 at 5:36 pm
(160) wendy jordan says:

to tormented that woman wisconsinite sounds whacked as my sister in law. It is tormented and others like him that need support. The borderline personality gets plenty of support bu manipulating systems and the law, victims advocates and any other suckers that they can find and bend to their will and web of lies.
I pray for all of you suffering from the effects of a love distorted by a borderline personality that you can heal and separate from the offender. They are sick, but you can not heal them. You will never be able to show enough love or support to heal or change a borderline personality. It is not your fault. It is not their fault that they are mentally ill, but it is not within your power to create the loving home or stable environment for them. They are bottomless pits and voids of neediness that will suck you down into their personal hells. remember the saying misery loves company, most borderlines are miserable and would like your company on the road to hell that has been paved with your good intentions. run for your life because you cant save a borderline but you can save yourself.

January 7, 2011 at 12:21 pm
(161) BB says:

My wife recently committed suicide after 3 previous threats. we have a 3 yr old daughter. Now, they say she had BPD. I did not know about this before. I could never understand her behavior.. how she could tell me I didnt deserve to be father or call me names and that I destroyed her and her family for no reasons at all. The next moment she was at my feet pleading guilty and asking me not to leave her.. every small fight she would ask for a divorce and say she wants an attorney. I supported her a lot. protected her from any possible stress situation in life. Found her jobs wherever we went. We worked at the same places throughout. I thought having a child would change her behavior but I was wrong.. now she had another thing to worry about.. she was not a good MOm! I got tired of telling her that she was a great mom! not enough.. same things happened as Kathleen says. She threatened suicide and went to a hospital for 7 days. I loved her too much couldnt live without her.. told her it will be a new beginning. But she was even mroe demanding and more scared that I will leave her. Kept asking for divorce again.. I reached another breaking point and said ok lets get separated. She kept pleading me to take her back. I just had her away for 2 weeks.. just to make her realize her mistakes and stop her behavior.. for the sake of our child. But she committed suicide.. without thinking about any of us.. the note just says I cant live without you.. and i know you are angry but forgive me.. I am devastated. I gave everything in my life to this woman. She was my heart and soul. I am lost without her and I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with her problems. I just couldnt. Kathleen, if you read this.. please please please.. dont think about killing yourself. It is an eternal torture for people you leave behind. Please do not do this to them. I hope I can be strong enough for my daughter. I am compeltely lost.

January 8, 2011 at 3:10 am
(162) HEARTBROKEN says:

I need HELP! The girl of my dreams and my former fiance has all the symptoms of BPD except the suicide threats(she did one time try to get out of the car at 35 mph). I would do anything to have her back but I know its not right. Cant I be the one to make her better is the thought that goes through my head. She gave me the ring back 4 times. Went from loving me to now hating me. She went from being great friends with two of my employees and then to hating them. Talks to me about being left and how it scares her. Her mom left her and her 3 brothers and sisters when she was 11 with her dads brother. Very impulsive and in debt. She has now been calling when I work and if I answer she will show up but be talking on the phone. If I dont answer she doesnt show up.( thank goodness for *69 on the phone). My family and friends tell me to run, but I still love her. She has been married twice and now has a failed engagement at the age of 31. Am I crazy thinking I can save her?

January 8, 2011 at 5:38 am
(163) BB says:

@heartbroken
Does your fiance acknowledge her problems? If she does and since you love her, you can try to get her some therapy. My therapist said BPDs are the hardest to treat but at least you will find out for sure if she has BPD and if she responds to treatment. But if you do think that the treatment is not working, then you probably have no choice but to save yourself from life-long agony. But leaving her might not be as easy as you think. Just be prepared for extreme scenarios ( including suicide attempts.. trying to get out of a running car would count as one!)

January 8, 2011 at 10:51 am
(164) HEARTBROKEN says:

She is my EX FIANCE. She gave me the ring back 4 times and broke up I dont know how many times. I have spoken with a few therapists about the situation and am fairly confident she is BPD. I was once the most outgoing, happy, laughing, and fun person people had ever met. Now im hurt,sad, and heartbroken. Trust was unreal in the relationship. I would trust her to go to Vegas, but I couldnt go to a game without feeling bad. She questioned me about high school girls, co workers, people I would say hi to etc.. yet it was fine for her to go eat with guys because they were “friends”. The double standards and manipulation seemed to never stop. I just want to help her and find that girl I fell in love with. Can the drama never end?

January 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm
(165) BB says:

@heartbroken
I was the same. Fun-loving, always smiling, guy.. and i am completely destroyed now. I have no doubt she loved me.. I loved her a lot too. I was doing all those things too.. being around her 24 hrs a day. it wasn’t enough.. no matter how much I loved her it wasn’t enough. If it wasn’t me it was some one else she was brining in to worry about.. including our child. I am sorry to say this.. but most likely you will destroy yourself if you try to help this person. now that my wife is dead, I feel like I should have let myself be destroyed… but it was not only about me.. it was about my child also.. Just think about this.. you can convince this woman to marry you.. and have a life with her but what if her personality doesn’t change.. you will be putting yourself and your children in big DANGER. THINK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU AND BE STRONG. THE DRAMA WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER END.

January 10, 2011 at 1:44 am
(166) HEARTBROKEN says:

Thanks BB for your help and advice. I feel so destroyed right now. I miss her so much, but realize im just thinking about the good and not the terrible times.I wrote a list of some of the things she did, and it is so sad. I feel sorry for BPD’s, but im suffering now. Will I ever be myself again? It hurts to see her being impulsive. Hanging out with some guy who doesnt share her values is just another example of her her impulsiveness. She has to have someone paying her attention. Why cant she see what she is doing? How did she go from loving to hating me so soon? Why run from the problems she has? Wouldnt it be better to face them?

January 10, 2011 at 11:50 am
(167) BB says:

@heartbroken
Ya. That’s the problem that we only look at good things from the past. It’s a good attitude but probably not in this scenario. I have also been thinking only about all the good times and good things she did.. makes me feel worse. have been deliberately trying to think about the negative events that led to today. Thinking about the unpleasant events do give some strength. My wife wrote in her suicide note ” I know I am giving you another jolt” but she still did. Probably one that has left an eternal scar. I never thought she will do this to me and our child. You should also probably tell yourself that you do not have an idea of what you can be put through. Expect the most unexpected events. May be it will give you strength. Also, I think those who have been associated with people with psychological disorders need therapy. It is such an emotionally draining experience. Therapy does help. Good luck.

January 10, 2011 at 6:17 pm
(168) HEARTBROKEN says:

BB thanks for the advice. I am considering counseling and it would probably do me a world of good. It helps me when I go over the list to feel better about not being with her, but I still miss her and want to make her better. I ask myself” why would anyone want to be with a person like her after I read the list?” It was so unhealthy. The jealousy and anger was so terrible. While engaged it was ” here is the ring im done” if we got back together or got married “it will be we are getting divorced, or im taking the kids”. Why when I know this would I continue to want her? Do people who suffer from BPD have a way to make us to not see reality?

January 13, 2011 at 7:00 pm
(169) Tim says:

Wow. After reading through the comments I feel like someone has turned the light on for me! Finally something that makes sense.

Currently going through a divorce with my undiagnosed BPD wife of 6 years. But, after reading this, I have very little doubt. Me and my two daughters have put up with the emotional abuse for too long.

Thankfully, we have no children together. My family, friends, and even members of her own family told me she was emotionally abusive to me. I knew it but was constantly making excuses for her. Beautiful attractive sweet woman at times – Satan incarnate at others. Very insecure and had unfounded fears I would leave her. Her previous husband left her after 13 years. I was told she treated him like crap.

I got involved with an old flame via Facebook last April. I was starving for real affection from someone who didn’t talk to me like I was dirt. Delusioned by the other woman, I filed for divorce, she begged me to reconcile. So, I broke off the emotional affair (never met in person) and we tried to make amends. I thought the threat of divorce would wake her up to what she was doing. I was wrong. She persisted in the same abusive destructive behaviors.

Ironically, she moved out and to a nearby town in September. I had filled out and signed a Motion to Dismiss the divorce and hand delivered it to her to mail. She never bothered to mail it. She is now pursuing the divorce. I suspect it is all about controlling the situation. I have heard rumors she is involved with her adult step-brother. Her mom remarried 3 years ago. Other’s tell me she is just flaunting him on her arm to try and hurt me.

She still contacts me but insists she still wants a divorce. I don’t know if she will go through the I want to reconcile phase. Maybe it’s not going to happen? I hope I have the strength to say no. From what I read here it there’s not much hope it will get better…

January 13, 2011 at 10:25 pm
(170) BPDwilldestroyYOU says:

Talked to a counselor he told me they dont get better

January 20, 2011 at 3:24 am
(171) Michele says:

I’ve spent my life knowing something was wrong with me and that I was different but never understood why. At seventeen I was diagnosed with BPD and met my husband shortly after at nineteen. I recognized that moment of meeting him as going from misunderstood to understood. We have been married 14 years and together almost 17. I know that I love him and our three children. I am not a monster. I would never give up smear campaigns or do anything that I thought would hurt my children. My family regulates me along with my work as a founder of a non-profit.

Borderlines can have a great capacity for empathy. I walk around and it is as if I feel everyone around me deeply and when I sometimes sense it’s becoming overwhelming I melt down and want to collapse. This is when my husband and I will have ridiculous arguments that end in me crying and him comforting me. I have done things like placed crumbled macaroni in his coat pockets when he didn’t come home on time or throw the cooked lasagna in the garbage if he made a comment that I overreacted about on a bad day for me but with this insanity comes my compensation. I will always think about what I’ve done and wonder how the heck it ever happened and try to decide how to make it never happen again. As we get older together, I’ve gotten a lot better. The last “insane” scenario happened over two years ago.

I’ve never threatened suicide but I do exhibit the same push/pull and fear of abandonment all BPD’s do. I’ve never cut/self mutilated and don’t have any eating disorders but I did prior to meeting my husband as a teen. I was dealing with issues of abuse at the hands of my father and it was more than confusing. I do keep terrible hours and have trouble with insomnia as is obvious from my 3am posting. I am concerned about everything from my neighbor who seems to be getting old and in need of help to the war in Darfur. It is overwhelming and I can never turn down the volume.

January 20, 2011 at 3:24 am
(172) Michele says:

I can’t imagine ever making up stories of abuse because my husband threatened divorce. In fourteen years of marriage he never has done this although I know I’ve threatened it a thousand times. He is patient, kind and gentle. Although I know he has endured much, we have endured it together. I can’t imagine losing all of our shared experiences, both good and bad.

January 20, 2011 at 3:25 am
(173) Michele says:

I recently came to him and told him that feeling everything was overwhelming to me and after 16 years of avoiding treatment I felt like I owed it to myself and my family to try to get better. He told me he saw nothing wrong with me but that if I wanted treatment he would support that.

This evening he came home late and I didn’t know where he was. It set off my usual fears of abandonment that I recognize but if left unchecked will quickly get the best of me and result in tears that I have to hide in the bedroom and cry without my children seeing.

When he came home I asked him how he could not call as he has a cell phone and one call helps me connect with him and offsets my spiral. He explained he got busy but I felt jilted as if him being too busy at work to make a two minute call was absurd and hurtful. Of course, this isn’t true but it feels so very true at the time.

“Why were you late?!” I asked him through tearing up eyes.

“I wanted to pick something up for you.”

He then went into a box and brought out a brown bag that had pretty pink tissue paper coming from it and handed it to me.

“Presents don’t make me feel better.” I said, but in truth, it did make me feel better.

I opened the bag and there was the book “Walking on Eggshells”. I’ve been reading everything on BPD since trying to find a therapist for myself and knew this book was for the person living with a Borderline Personality Disorder and not a person with BPD.

I looked at him and tried to figure out how to approach this. “This book is for you, not me.” I handed him the book.

“Nooo, it’s for you. I got it for you.”

I read the cover text to him and he got it and recognized his mistake. He was bright red with embarrassment. I knew at this point I had a choice. I could go all out on him and ridicule him for this mistake or I could appreciate the love and adoration it took for him to go find that book. In the end, I laughed really loudly. I felt joy.

January 20, 2011 at 3:26 am
(174) Michele says:

Him and I are connected. I think we’re going to get to the rocking chairs on the front porch and he does too. We are raw honest about our pains, our pasts. He tells me often I am the most beautiful woman he’s ever met, that I have more emotions than anyone he’s ever met, that I am smart and care so much for others. It wasn’t until we started exploring the reality of who I am and who we are together recently that I began to believe him. It was an ahha moment. Oh my God, I’m different but I am not all bad.

In all my reading this past few months in trying to seek help, these comments were the most hurtful and harmful that I have read. What are we without hope? BPD and living with a BPD is not a life sentence. If you are being harmed and abused in a relationship with a BPD by all means you should definitely find a way out! If you are living with BPD and you know the overall emotional insanity that is being trapped in a brain like ours, there is no escape. Face it. There is hope and there are strengths within you that can be used for much good. You are not alone and you are not helpless.

Please don’t assume all BPDer’s are all the same. I’m sorry for any pain that anyone has to suffer through and this includes both BPD’s and Non-BPD’s.

January 29, 2011 at 10:27 pm
(175) echo 1 says:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

February 1, 2011 at 6:23 am
(176) Harley says:

After reading the majority of these posts,I am most defenitely sure that I have been married to a BPD. I have been married to this woman for the last 17 years she realized . Oh, wasn’t I wonerful! ‘I was everything she ever wanted.’ The truth was I was just a guy she met that wasn’t unattrative was very social, never met a stanger and had a large circle of friends and family. within six months of marriage I had no friends was estranged from my family because she thought she should “meet all my social needs. ‘My responibility was to her’, the accusations of flirting,infidelity,or not loving/caring,etc. . I tried for 17 years to make this work. BPD persons may be ‘victims’ but I would suggest the ‘victims’ are those that are foolish enough to try and be the supportive,caring ,loving ones. If anyone were to tell me that their partner was a borderline,my advice is to get the hell out as fast and as far away as they can. Don’t look back and most assuradly DO NOT TAKE RESPONSABILITY FOR THEIR DISEASE, no matter how much they try to convince you that your the one who caused or could cure their problems. The only good thing that I can honestley say that came out of a total of seventeen years of HELL, is that I have a son who is a delight.

February 4, 2011 at 9:58 pm
(177) mike v says:

i am married to a bpd.i never knew,i beleived her lies and thought i was problem.im no angel and did wrong things but dont deserve the abuse
she is turning it around onme.
help

February 23, 2011 at 1:12 pm
(178) Lawrence H. says:

I left a BPD. So I know first hand. I had to leave my home at 2AM because she flipped out and called the Police thinking they were going to side with her. When they saw threw her BS they asked me to leave to defuse the situation. Then she would try to make alligations to her Doctor of Mental Abuse and threaten to call my job. I left and havent been back since. To those who have gone through or going through let me say this you’ve might have lost you home, money, what ever but at least you have you peace of mind….I now live in a Studio Apartment but I sleep damn good at night.

March 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm
(179) Berilo says:

HELP! I married a woman a year ago who I now fear has BPD. This is driving me crazy.

She is intelligent, attractive, charming, and has a very professional job. I thought she was my dream woman.

I am a normal guy, not perfect, not overly talkative about “feelings”, but emotionally stable and supportive of my wife. I have had healthy relationships with family, friends, colleagues and women.

About three months after we married, I began to notice some seriously erratic/nasty conduct by my wife. Here is what she has been doing:

1. She has been hot and cold, changing moods on a dime.
2. She seems to have zero empathy for me or my situation, personal or professional.
3. She has been finding fault with me, picking small fights. I can’t seem to do anything right.
4. She is very needy, getting angry when I have to go away on a business trip for a week. She calls me at all hours, even pulling me out of important business meetings for minor issues.
5. She twists a lot of facts, or re-asserts them at inappropriate moments.
6. I think she had a fling with an ex-boyfriend last month. She denied everything, and tried to focus the discussion on my alleged shortcomings.
7. She says I cannot communicate with her, that I have some problem. While I am not “Mr Expressive”, I have no problem communicating. When I try to talk to her about things, it’s never a conversation about how we deal together with life’s imperfections in a positive way (i.e., “let’s try to understand each other’s perspectives”), she gets very impatient. She isn’t very good with ambiguity or empathy, and needs instant “clarity” or definitive answers.
8. Whatever apologies she might allow are brief, off-the-cuff and lack sincerity. “I said I was sorry, so what’s your problem?”

She had a lonely childhood, so there are certainly some abandonment issues here.

Does this sound like BPD?

March 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm
(180) HEARTBROKEN says:

Yes it sounds all to familiar to those of us who have suffered being with a BPD

March 30, 2011 at 11:31 pm
(181) tired and wore out says:

After reading many comments and feeling as though most of them could have been written by me, I just had to say something.
I had no warning about BPD. Had never heard of it until I went into, of all fields, the mental health field. After 4 yrs have discovered my husband has it. The symptoms are so severe that it’s silly. How could I have missed it? I thought it was his drinking that made him call me names non-stop and continue to tell me he wished I would just die, the verbal abuse is far worse than the hand full of times he’s hit me or choked me but it’s all just as bad. Everytime I tell him I want out he begs and pleads and comes up with all these great dreams and goals of how he’s going to get better and make our life perfect. Yeah right! All part of his dream and just more of my nightmare.
I wish I had somewhere to run, I’d be loooong gone by now!

April 1, 2011 at 12:55 am
(182) hadenough says:

Just ended a relationship with a girl that has BDP. She was clinically proven, yet still denies everything.
Some of my experiences were having her in a constant drunken stuper, she’d always sneak out when I went to work and went to the bar or some strangers house party. She’d always be flirting with other guys. She’d make rash decisions and act on them instantly even though they were life changing decisions, she’d put no thought of consequences into them. If she wanted to fight and I didn’t the she’d start destroying my property. She’d constantly tell me how much she wanted to change and make a great life for us but then she’d go and do the exact opposite. I found that all of her decisions were extremely selfish with little or no thought of aftermath put into them.

I tried getting her professional help, even tried rehab for her drinking, but it’s like she was on self destruct mode all the time and she was dragging me down for the ride. No matter how hard you try you can’t help someone like that who doesn’t want to help themselves.

In a way I feel bad for her, as I know that during her lucid moments she really did love me and really did want to change her life for the better. But there’s only so much abuse one can take, not to mention her going out of her way to destroy her life.

April 1, 2011 at 2:11 am
(183) hadenough says:

After reading more of these comments I felt the need to add more of what I went through.
She would lose every job she had and not give a damn about it. She once came home drunk after I was on night shift and started screaming at me to get mad at her (I’m 235lbs, she’s 110) I had to call the cops on her twice, in the last year she was arrested at least 5 times. She always had to have the attention of every guy even though I adored her. Lying was huge, manipulation was huge, very selfish and self centered. But of course all of her stories about me and her ex friends made us all look like jerks while she was the innocent victim.

But it was Jekyll and Hyde. When she wasn’t like this then she was my best friend. We had great trips together, our love life was amazing and usually twice or more a day, and extremely loving. It just amazed me how she could flip between the two personallities so quickly and with no remorse during the time.
And whenever I would say it was over then I never met anyone who would try so hard to get me back…..and then throw it away again when we got back together.

One of the hardest things I had to do was cut all contact with her and literally ‘block’ her out of all aspects in my life. If you’re with someone like that you pretty much have to because if they can talk to you then they’ll manipulate you back in.

April 15, 2011 at 1:37 am
(184) No sympathy: not one gram says:

“BPD” is just a politically correct way of saying “reprehensibly bad person.” These are six-year-olds in adult bodies who do not have the slightest notion that other people actually exist. Every action they take is a form of manipulation aimed at bolstering their self image by breaking someone else down. They do not “feel” emotions in the way other people do; they are not capable of love and do not deserve it.

It is as simple as this: pure laziness. When we are small children, we don’t know exactly how to get what we want, so we “test the waters” through behavioral extremes: mania, anger, rage, extreme happiness, etc. But we don’t understand the implications nor really feel the emotions we display at that age. It’s all an “act” meant to get a response. As most of us get older and it is made clear that these behaviors are not acceptable, we take it upon ourselves to learn new behavioral skill sets. We learn to feel–to have genuine emotions–and to reciprocate in order to get what we want. Adults with “BPD” never take the step to learn these skills, and know exactly what they are doing.

To anyone that pines about trauma and abuse I say nonsense: we are ALL traumatized and abused–life is suffering, that is the nature of it. BPD adults just make a specific point of making it as difficult as possible–for everyone but themselves. And, again, their behavior is absolutey NOT something that is beyond their control: rage is a choice being made, pure and simple. No one is compelled beyond physical control to behave that way.

So, to those here “with BPD” seeking understanding: you deserve none. To those married to a “BPD” adult seeking hope: you are deluding yourself. Your spouse does NOT love you–they are manipulating you. That is, literally, all they know to do. They do not experience normal emotions. Divorce, divorce, divorce, as soon as possible, and sever all ties completely. Feel no guilt whatsoever. 

April 17, 2011 at 9:40 am
(185) hadenough says:

^ damn. I think I have to agree with you. I remember the times when I caught her in a lie and she reminded me of a child getting busted with the cocky smirk and trying not to laugh. The only times she seemed sincerely sorrry was when things took a turn for the worse for her. (me kicking her out), otherwise it was like she made a game out of what she could get away with.
I’m with ‘No Sympathy’, they are the worst human beings to ever meet and falling in love with one was the worst emotional experience I’ve ever been through. If you are with a BPD person (especially a high end one) get out. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, run.

April 20, 2011 at 4:28 am
(186) hadenough says:

Sorry for cluttering the board, but I just found out more information.
I live in an apartment, some guy moved in around the middle of summer. After he moved in my ex told me that he tried spitting on her, since that happened I had a few ‘instances’ with the guy which involved me almost getting arrested for threats.
Tonight was the first time I talked to the guy without her around. We got along great, I told him about what my ex said about him trying to spit on her and he was sincerely shocked. He also told me that while I was at work she came up to his apartment and warned him about ME! She said I had a huge anger issue and she was scared I was going to do something to him. I’m glad my neighbor and I had the chance to get together and laugh about this, as it’s all B.S.

BPD’s love creating drama when there is none. They crave drama in their lives and can’t live without it. Once again, if you’re with one, RUN!!!

April 21, 2011 at 10:49 pm
(187) Carson Davis says:

I live with a wife for going on 35 years in June, she needs help as well as I do, I’m about to crack, she is constantly blaming me and acccusing me of affairs in which I have never done anything like that. I always knew we had a problem in this marriage but never attempted to find out what it was, I never knew a thing like this existed until I confronted it and all “hell broke Loose.” My mind is about had it and I think I am going crazy, I need someone to talk to myself ro will crack. I cannot have a friend for she is insanely jealous of me. Please if anyone can direct me toward a physcritate spellin off I know please let me know
Thak you
Carson

April 25, 2011 at 3:18 pm
(188) The Children says:

Is there any way to protect the children of BPD mother? I have suffered all the lies and horrible hatred of a woman that I have given so much. She has limited my time with my 2 year old daughters based on a falsified Domestic Violence charge and I fear she will focus her hatred towards them now that I am not there. I feel helpless when I need to bring them back to her and see them cry and scream for daddy. I worry about the emotional damage she can cause them.

Are there any support groups for Spouses and children of BPD?

May 10, 2011 at 10:08 am
(189) Chump says:

I won’t go into the details. I’ve seen more than enough on this site to confirm what I already knew.

Here’s the thing: divorcing a BPD wife seems in a way worse than marrying one (She has already shown her hand on how ugly it’ll get).

So, here’s my question: what if I just don’t bother getting the divorce?

I’m active Army overseas. She has the children back in the States.

She has always been OK with kids (not perfect, but OK), and, even if she weren’t, there’s not much I can do about it.

Under the applicable laws, she is responsible for her finances, I for mine.

So, how about I just never, ever come home? Just send money every payday and skype the kids?

Sure, I’ll never live my dream of marrying for love (ours was a shotgun marriage – yes, I know, I’m an idiot), but I’d rather not live the nightmare of a BPD divorce.

Any thoughts?

PS: when I first started opening up to my male friends about my wife’s abuses, I discovered that they, too, had been physically abused by their wives, which came as a complete surprise to me in every case. I think this is a much more widespread problem than anybody knows.

May 13, 2011 at 9:51 am
(190) been there done that says:

Chump, I’ve been through 4 therapists, and 20 years of marriage to a raging BPD. The good news is through the process, I’ve figured out WHY I GOT HERE in the first place. That’s the most important lesson you can learn. I’ll leave it for your journey, but let me say, all of us non-bpd’s get in this situation pretty much the same way.

As far as your kids go, you need to understand how one “gets” BPD to begin with. Part of it is nature and part “nurture”. that is to say some are pre-disposed to the condition. I’m sure your wife’s mom is similar. A pre-disposed child gets treated a certain way and the cycle starts all over again.

Therefore, not being actively involved in raising your children, but just “skyping” keeps the cycle going. In other words, you really don’t love your kids. Man up to that.

BPD’s are a lot like relational terrorists. Just like dealing with the Taliban. There’s really only one way to deal with them, and that is not negotiating. That never works. Firm boundaries and drive them back into their cave, if necessary, to save the kids.

Bordlines rarely, if ever leave. You just can’t get rid of them. Their tactic is consistent. Make you leave and blame you. That’s part of their projection mode. Don’t leave and fight for your kids. It’s really all that matters.

May 14, 2011 at 2:29 am
(191) inequity says:

the double standard here is palpable. no wonder we all go crazy

May 14, 2011 at 2:32 am
(192) inequity says:

the double standard here is palpable and heavy. no wonder we all go crazy

May 18, 2011 at 11:40 am
(193) Kiki says:

Two close friends. We suspect she is BPD, he is not. She has been telling all of our other friends that she no longer allows her husband to prepare ANY food or beverage for her, even getting her a glass of water, because she is afraid he will kill (poison) her. He worships the ground she walks on.

I am a BPD myself. I go to therapy, I take medication. I have actively worked for 9 years to get myself under control. It’s hard to see my friend do exactly the same things that I did, but deny that there is anything wrong.

May 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm
(194) Paul says:

My sister has BPD and has alienated herself from nearly all of her immediate family. She has all but alienated herself from me. I still love my sister, and always will, but I often wonder if the woman she has become is still the sister I grew up with. It saddens me terribly, but it’s out of my control. She can’t be helped if she doesn’t want to be helped.
But what I don’t get is why so many people on here feel like the partner OWES the BPD anything. I see all these stories of how people have gone out of their way, allowed their own lives to be made a living hell FOR YEARS, and then when they finally throw in the towel they are accused of being heartless, or quitters, or unsupportive.
Excuse me but WHAT?!?! Why should someone allow their lives to be destroyed for these people? It makes no sense at all! They had no hand in these people being/becoming BPD. What do they owe these BPDs that they should continue to subject themselves to the torment and anguish. It just doesn’t add up to me.

May 23, 2011 at 10:51 pm
(195) hadenough says:

Hey Paul, it’s a really screwed up situation to fall in love with a bpd. For myself I knew she had problems, but I didn’t really know to what extent. During the start of our relationship she was basically what I was looking for and our times together was some of the best I’d ever had. And when she did mess up (and get caught) then she’d brush it off with the ‘alcoholic’ excuse. I spent so much time trying to help her with that, that I didn’t realize the underlying problem. But at this point I was completely in love with the person that she was ‘some of the time’, and I wanted her back, all of the time. Unfortunately, it’s just not possible.

June 21, 2011 at 6:13 am
(196) Been there says:

It was an arranged marriage, but I was not complaining – the most enchanting eyes, boundless energy and enthusiasm. Her childlike audacity made her stand out from other girls even more.
But there was some underlying thing that vexed me and I could not place my finger on what exactly what it was. Pretty soon the problems surfaced. When it became evident that she had never completed school, I tried to get to the heart of the matter. The abuse that followed was..well you know (“lies”…”horrible hatred”).
Being a medical person, I was as humane, gentle and patient as possible. I gave up a good job and tried to love her to the best of my abilities – and it worked a bit. She completed school (6 years later than usual), earned a degree and eventually got herself into the best college in her field of choice in our part of the world.
But the abuse never ceased. The domains of abuse started extending to my biological family, friends as well as my workplace. I eventually threw in the towel. I have a brother with special needs and I did not want to sacrifice my sanity.
I try my best to not hate her, as she was a victim of the disease and I was just unlucky with that marriage. I have done my best to empower her while i was with her.
Now I have married again – to an earthy, “girl next door” kind of person. It may not be exactly all dreams coming true – but coming back home is no longer a nightmare.
So caring for a BPD patient is not fully unproductive, but one has to care for oneself as well. You get to live only once.

June 22, 2011 at 2:30 pm
(197) Perplexed says:

I am 40 and have been married for 1 year. I have an 8 yr old son. On May 1st my wife walked out and I did not see her for 26 days. We were discussing family planing and specifically, why we were using condoms when we had been trying to have a baby for the past 8 months. The conversation flushed out all of this uncertainty she had. I went to pick up my son at my folks house and when I got back she was gone. I did not speak with her or see her for 26 days. She never acknowledged my son or spoke to or saw him. Just vacated her life. We have had our share of adjustments with the step mother dynamics, but she is a teacher who is skilled with children. She should not feel so “abused” by him. He never really had a mom so there was an adjustment. I have now seen her once in 55 days and my son not at all. She shows no empathy. She has blamed me for her lack of identity and for the foods she does not eat, the movies she does not see and the frineds she does not have, and the culture that is missing from her life. I have taken the time to consult with a psychologist. He speculates depression is the least of her problems. He susepects depression NPD or BPD. I have done some research and it seems to fit. I’m perplexed by it all. I just do not get it and none of it makes any sense. She shows no empathy, constantly blames me for everything, has some iritability and mood swings that are hard to understand. She feels emotionally abused by my son–a boy who calls her mom in school writings and who has opened his heart to her. The one time I did see her she came home and we seemd to have a game plan with counselling and we even had sex and she told me she loved me. That was 3 weeks ago. I guess I will have to wait to see what she does or says. In the mean time I find her bahavior incredibly selfish and immature and disrespectful of our vows, our commitment and disrespectful of my son. Maybe she is NPD or BPD. Thanks. Thoughts?

June 24, 2011 at 4:27 pm
(198) rc says:

We have a bro in law w BP and he has terrorized all our fam (sisters and mom) and my sis won’t leave him. We have no idea what’s bn going on behind closed doors w their kids and all but could only imagine how their household is. His plan to alienate my sister worked. It’s sad to say but we couldn’t take it anymore. How does she? Compassion we had but enough is enough!!!!!!!!! BP can’t be an excuse to be so hateful!

June 25, 2011 at 4:23 am
(199) darwin says:

i recently broke up with bpd fiance. Very glad I did not decide to marry this beautiful tormented creature.
A word on this though from my own experience with mental illness (bipolar 1 and epileptic here woot lol)
She spun many lies . Yet the body does not lie. She recounted to me tales of extreme torture she had to endure from her ex. Now, I could believe that it was mostly false, but her body (very thin to point of death when i met her) and these trances/siezures she would fall into when seeing anything that reminded her mentioned monster reveals truth of horrofic abuse that trumps whatever verbal lies she told.
This is to say, when I was at my most psychotic it was still BASED in truth. And the amount of torment BPD indivduals have received in their lives in order to get the damn label in the first place is real. So is the fallout sadly, which is why i must leave. I love this human being and hope to always be there. Everyone is grasping for purity and love, some people just have gravity pulling harder on their free falling bodies.

June 27, 2011 at 11:39 pm
(200) nomore says:

Been seperated from my BPD gf for a few months and it’s really hard, even though I called it off. The great times were so amazing, followed by periods of nightmare, it’s hard to make up my mind which one is the most dominant. Although I know I was losing my mind trying to help someone who kept throwing away everything, time and time again, for no reason. It’s simply incomprehensible to me how one could have such a bright personality and outlook for the future, and then repeatedly destroy it for nothing.

Recently heard a song from Machinehead called ‘Locust’ and it reminds me of BPD’s. They explain how locusts aimlessly go whereever the wind takes them, takes as much as they can without giving anything back, and then when they have used up all the resources and there’s nothing left they leave to the next victim. Leaving behind devastation for the ones who they’ve touched, but they have no remorse about it.
BPD’s are nothing but Locusts, never invite them into your home.

June 29, 2011 at 12:40 am
(201) 25TOLIFE says:

Thats what BPD’s do. The bad times WERE more dominant. Thats why you left. Listen to Eminem 25 to life

July 1, 2011 at 11:55 pm
(202) DeeBrown says:

I was seduced by a bpd back in late May/Early April – so, how was I “seduced” – well, it’s intoxicating to hear a beautiful woman say “you’re amazing” and make you feel like her knight in shining armor. I thought it was strange when she texted me, “do you love me?” after I had known her three weeks. To be fair to her, though, she did come forward right at the beginning and told me she therapists had concluded she had BPD. Anyways, after about 5 weeks of 100+ texts a day we finally get together and she spends the night over (twice in one week’s span). After the second time she’d spent over we had spent four of the last eight days together) she texts me, “do you really love me?” That caused me to snap back at her as to why she keeps asking – hadn’t I been SHOWING her that I loved her? Anyways, the texts messaging went way down after that and I finally did REAL research on this terrible disorder (when she first told me she had bpd I looked it up on Wikipedia and thought, “oh, she has abandonment issues, not that big a deal”). After reading and all the research (I owe the internet BIG time) I am indeed taking my “get out of jail free” card (as we were together only about 6 weeks) and running for the border – Thanks for everyone sharing, you saved a kind-hearted man a lot of trouble.

July 7, 2011 at 11:06 pm
(203) VL says:

Friends borderline ex receives nearly $4,000 per month in alimony and child support; but she has decided to move into a $16,000 home in an area with meth houses, drug arrests, death investigations, burglary, and larceny crime reports.
There are also several sexual predators in the neighborhood; one right next door. This is all playing out now; they have not moved yet. Kids counselor tells the Dad that he is the more fit parent mentally; but tells him unless kids decide to live with him there isn’t much help from courts….also need to point out that she has used parental alienation tactics for two years to keep kids from seeing their Dad and only over the past few months has he had regular visits with them after 2 years with counselor for kids. Borderline is not happy that kids are seeing him….could she have some warped plan with this move and possibly using this to punish the kids?

July 17, 2011 at 5:47 pm
(204) Healing in Colorado says:

It’s been two years since I posted last on this board. Since then, I’ve been able to move to the east coast to be close to family and begin a new and better life. My BPDX called my cell phone within weeks of my leaving Colorado. I never answered and I erased whatever messages she left without listening. A pattern soon emerged. Every 2-3 months she would call. Meanwhile, within a week of arriving on the east coast and beginning a new career and a new life, I was contacted (via Facebook) by my high school sweetheart (now fiancée)! I never forgot her and she never forgot me.

By late July 2010 I had enough. I told my fiancée I was changing the number. She wanted to hear the latest message left by the BPDX. That seemed fair, but I told her never to tell me what she heard. Imagine my BPDX’s surprise the next time she called my cell and someone else answered! In April 2011, the BPDX called my sister! My sister told me the BPDX was “worried” about me and needed reassurance I was okay!!!

My sister assured me she provided no information other than I was okay. Several weeks later, she called my sister again. This time, my sister did not answer and the BPDX did not leave a message. I’ve asked my family, IF she calls, to inform her that her calls are inappropriate and to cease. I’ve told them I don’t want to know if she calls them. I feel bad about the BPDX attempting to engage my family, but I have NO CONTROL over her actions. I can only protect myself.

My advice: LISTEN to what you feel inside. Ask God what you should do. The answer is where you find the most peace. IF you feel like you need to give it a shot, give it your best shot but EDUCATE yourself, PROTECT yourself, and EXPECT the worst! IF you feel like you need to go, do not hesitate: RUN LIKE THE WIND. I can guarantee you that a better non-BPD life awaits you. Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself if you want a life without the insanity.

July 22, 2011 at 12:12 am
(205) rosa says:

I think my husband may have this or bi-polar, we’ve been married 3 yrs. together 5, both middle aged, his first marriage my 2nd, he gets angry at me over the smallest of things, such as if I have interest in trial coverage , inter net, garage sales, if I read in bed with a dim light, if he stubs a toe, he curses, if something falls, he curses, he curses about everything, and he wasn’t always that way, its as if he can find no joy, at times he kills my joy, he yells at the news and the politicians , if I get plants for the garden from friends and family he has to say something about that, there free and I enjoy doing it. He tells me he’s disgusted with everything but not me, but it makes me feel worn down, the constant complaining and picking just over so many things makes me want to drink , and drink to block all that out. My nerves are fraying, I asked him to talk to the Dr about it and he thinks its useless, no need.

July 24, 2011 at 9:01 am
(206) non-BPD spouse in pain says:

I’ve been married to someone I believe has BPD. I know saying that “I believe” enrages some people but part of her denial is refusing to seek help, refusal to even talk to somebody. On one rare occasion, she did acknowledge that she thought she might have a condition but that was the only mention of it. I’ve tried and tried and tried to get her to see what she’s done and to seek help. It feels like she’s trying to destroy me and this sure ain’t no way to live. We have two kids and I’ve been staying until they are old enough to fend for themselves against her. My commitment is to them, not to her- the person who is making my life miserable.
There are some people here who have BPD and the recognize it and are seeking treatment for it. I have the highest of respect for these people. But, at the other end of the spectrum are those who have it and are in denial. To be married to one of these people is to sacrifice our own life.
I have so many many stories to share about how she told me that I shouldn’t own a house because the yard was full of weeds (actually only a patch of weeds), that I shouldn’t teach my kid the doggie paddle because it wasn’t a proper swim stroke (these are two of hundreds of this type of scenario). And then to top it all off, she says she doesn’t have feelings for me, doesn’t know why, and has no interest in finding out (although she was very devoted and affectionate when we dated). Then I find out that she’s been screwing a co-worker for years “because she’s lonely.” NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS!
But again, I have the highest respect for people with BPD who recognize their condition and are doing something about it. The others don’t have a right to drown anybody.

July 24, 2011 at 9:50 am
(207) non-BPD spouse in pain says:

Maybe to better summarize my position, nobody should have to live in a loveless sexless marriage that is punctuated with random acts of meanness, unexpected attacks, and just plain emotional torture, or to live in a constant state of high alert. To live that way is to deny the essence of humanity for the non-BPD spouse. And compassion? Yes, I have compassion for her. I know she is living in hell too. I know that she must have endured trauma during her childhood (I don’t know what it was, she never told me). But geez-oh-pete, I need to have some compassion for myself too and I’m taking it. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my life to support someone else and her lover. That’s not what marriage is about. That’s not what life is about.

July 25, 2011 at 12:35 pm
(208) Victim says:

My X-HUSBAND would match the description of the Female BP in this article, if I didn’t know any better the article was written about our divorce and the before and after. He went on a distortion campaign for 2 years. I had no idea he was talking to church members, close friends, and family members. During the divorce he secretly took the child to a psychiatrist and reported that I was starving the boy and I myself was anorexic!!!! This doc (whom I never have met to this day) wrote a letter to lawyers stating that I was starving the child, I was anorexic and that I should be kept away from my son whom I was his main care provider. Even after I fianlly got primary custody and moved 350 miles away from my X-HUSBAND he continued with the distortion campaign by writing letters full of lies to my parents who are elderly about me and my son. My parents lived right next door to me and my son and helped me care for my son while I worked. The X-H upset my elderly parents so much that they had to start taking medication for anxiety. I finally had to threaten to file a protective order in order to protect my main support (my elderly parents) from his letter writing campaing. Thankfully, for the most part, after more than 2 years of this it finally stopped. The boy will be imancipated in less than one year…not sure what X-H will try to pull then!!!

August 8, 2011 at 10:48 am
(209) filipina says:

im 24 yrs,old,married,got a 5yrold son,i havent try to to talk to a profesional about my condision,,,but im 100% sure dat i do hav a BPD,reading all of these comments made me feel dat im not alone,its lyk reading my own exprience…i realy need a help but i dont know how….ive been wid my husband for 6 yrs now,,were a teenage parents.though were very young (got prgnant @ 17,and my husband was 19 at dat tym)i can say that my husband is very responsible man…doing 2 jobs to support us,even at home he’s very hands on with our son,sometyms he even cooked,washed the plates ,even do the laundry after work just because he dosnt want me to get tired,i said i was bored so find a job for me…he really do everthing just to make my life so easy,,,but im always complaining,i dont want him to be with his freinds,i dont want him to go out without me,or to go out with somebody else even with his brother,everytym he called his friends here at home to have a drinking session i get so devastated,and i end up crying,throwing things on him,shouting,swearing lyk they commit a crime but they just drinking downstairs and trying to unwind…he really tried to understand everythng about my mood swings,he even put down his pride and say sorry just to make me feel better ,but there are tyms that he cant stand it anymore and get really mad about how i act,i want to change,but its really hard,i ove him so much but i know im ruining his life….he dont desrve a life like these,,,,,wat will i do….can somebody help me….

August 8, 2011 at 10:54 am
(210) filipina says:

*****SO HE FIND A JOB FOR ME (typo eror)

August 16, 2011 at 12:42 am
(211) Lola says:

To newly Mrs. L:
You can not help him! Take it from me who have tried for 27 years! I lost all my 20′s, 30′s and most of my 40′s trying to help him. Their love is like addiction, like the worst drug. It will destroy you. I wish I had this knowledge 27 years ago. I always thought it is my fault, if I fix one more problem, he will be nice to me forever! Stupid me! Pack and run! Go to rehab or therapy to get rid of this nonsense love! Living by yourself will not kill you, but living with this guy will certainly destroy you.

August 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm
(212) Steve says:

Wow! I have been divorced from my ex-wife for 1 1/2 years now. All of the symptoms/actions described on here~ I can relate. I went through a lot of hell with that woman.

My advice (this is just me). Get out. Fast…super fast…with alacrity on top of the fast. You cant fix em.

The male abuse victim is in a bit of a quandary. My spouse was 5-0 even and threatened to kill me in my sleep, belittled me, tried to convince me I needed help. I believed some of it. I finally got out (she was an alcoholic, a pathological liar, slandered me on the internet, etc…), but looking back, it should have been ’08 or so, instead of 10.

People out there! Read these stories! You will find people who have been in your shoes. I have.

Get the hell out and dont look back….

August 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm
(213) Randall says:

I married my on again / off again girlfriend of 4 years this past May knowing that she had “borderline tendencies” and operating on the mistaken assumption that a strong, secure relationship would enable her to get better. I had a lot of help from her family into thinking this… I couldn’t have been more wrong! The once a week rages became daily rages. The extent of her lies became overwhelming. I have since learned that I was one of 3 that she had been in an “exclusive” relationship with, that she has at least 2 others she has continued to actively be in a relationship with who may or may not know she got married. Her mother, who has been her primary enabler for a long time now, stayed at the house with us for over 2 months to try to help but my BPD spouse has beaten her up 3 times – the last time the police came to the house, and didn’t arrest her because she promised to do a voluntary inpatient commitment, which she reneged on and lied her way out of a few hours later…

August 21, 2011 at 2:24 pm
(214) Randall says:

The extent of her distortion campaign is unbelievable. Complicating this is that she now seems to be saving up her Vyvanse for days at a time and displays withdrawal symptoms, and then she goes to “visit” her “girlfriend” at which time I suspect she is somehow abusing her Vyvanse, because she comes back having lost weight, has facial skin complexion issues that recently developed and are getting worse, and she just “lost” her prescription and had to get an early refill – come to your own conclusion on that one, but its pretty obvious what “lost” actually means. We went to marriage counseling, 4 sessions the first month. The counselor wanted her to go inpatient, she refused. Her family and I got her into a therapist that specializes in BPD for twice weekly sessions. She mostly goes. But I’m not sure that it has helped as she really seems to be getting worse not better. In this time frame, she’s made two suicide threats in two months. She’s ransacked the house nearly every day in her rage. She’s waved a large kitchen knife in her mother’s face while screaming at her. She has threatened to try to do harm to me on every level – personal, public, professional. My personal counselor thinks that she has moved beyond Borderline and into a territory that she defines as a dangerous “socio-path” who respects no societal boundary whatsoever.
Right now, I thank GOD I have found a good lawyer, a good personal counselor, and have a great support network. But even with all this going for me, I still feel like I am the world’s biggest idiot for ever having loved this person, believed her, thinking I could “love her back to health”, etc. Reading everyone else’s experiences seems to help and I appreciate everyone on here sharing theirs.

August 24, 2011 at 8:29 am
(215) Lived Too Long With BPD Wife says:

Heylee I object to the idea that it’s a 1000 times worse for the BP. The borderline’s defenses (yes primitive but effective defenses) are fully engaged and its those very defenses that can make life a living hell for those connected to them. The non-BP is completely vulnerable and that is why is so harmful to us. The BP will spare nothing to defend themselves. I would never do anything even remotely close to what my wife has done to me to harm me. She admits to wanting to destroy me as being her prime objective when she is raging against me. No I would never say or do what she has said and done to me, to her nor anyone. But the BP spares nothing. Yes they feel but what they feel is rage. In one recent rage against me I was accused or murder. How could the accuser know what I felt like when I was accused of having murdered someone? No there is no excuse for that. No, not anything goes is ok. The BP is responsible for their extreme behavior and they should have to own up to that responsibility for the consequences of their actions and statements like anyone else. The BP is not insane…no they are perfectly sane and hence should be held responsible for their extremely damaging behavior. I have had over 30 years with my BPD wife and I have had enough. I cannot compromise myself any longer. When I was accused or murder I realized that there is nothing that she wouldn’t do to hurt me if she felt like it was in her best interest. She knew what she was doing and she did it with the sole purpose of hurting me in the worst way she could. So I am supposed to feel empathy for her? I have done so for too many years. I’ve tried hard for years knowing she had an illness and that she wasn’t entirely “responsible” for her actions. But enough is enough. Let the BP have compassion for themselves, they will anyway.

August 30, 2011 at 6:41 am
(216) Did I do the Right thing says:

my wife and i have been together for 8yrs and married for 51/2yrs we are in our early 30′s and she started showing signs of BPD in oct of 2008. things have gotten so very bad I need help with getting my wife help i dont know what to do please help me i’m trying to save the woman i love and my marriage.

September 3, 2011 at 12:43 am
(217) Lal says:

I was married to a high functioning ,charming and successful BPD man for 26 yrs. I was the perfect woman for many years which was very nice for me but then things changed and I was the opposite (spliting). He started flirting with any woman who passed it front of him and when I complained it was always just my imagination. I was never right about anything, the house was never clean enough, I was never thin enough and on and on. He could talk for one hour withour stopping about about what a great figure I used to have and now I was 30 lbs overweight and had no self disicipine to loose weight although he too was overweight that never came up. Long story short -he had an affair-he said divorce was only option-I was devestated-but then decided that he was right and I gave it to him.

September 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm
(218) Debbie says:

This message board is disgusting.

I came here mistakenly trying to find some supports for my fantastic husband, who has been struggling to deal with my BPD.

I hate my behaviour and I would not in a million years choose to have this illness. I was up front about the fact I have some serious problems and I have been engaged with loads of services to try and fix it.

To see the advice of RUN don’t walk is just horrendous. There is this word, empathy? maybe some of you should look it up.

September 9, 2011 at 2:37 am
(219) Learning says:

She had it, she left, she divorced me, words
cannot begin to explain our life together
Married Many years. Throw in a little narca
whatever, and yep, that’s it!!!! She can
convince 8 out of 10 people that the sky
is falling ………..

September 10, 2011 at 12:22 pm
(220) BorderlinePatienceDevelopment says:

Debbie, Most who have posted have come for empathy, sympathy, understanding and a place to be able to display the bizarre, cruel, brutal, harsh, and devastating things they have lived through. To not feel alone, embarrassed, guilty or judged. You have to understand that if you are getting help for your issues associated with BPD you are among the minority. I have researched as much as I could about BPD, treatments, and what loved ones can do to facilitate understanding, cooperation, patience and healing. I think you have really good chances of improving your behavior, relationships, healing and having a good life if you can take responsibility for your actions and are willing to work. It sounds like you are and I wish you the best in a hard, but hopefully fruitful journey. Please understand that most have been involved with men or women who don’t think they have any issues whatsoever and blame absolutely all of their ills and woes on the person that loves them. Please refrain from judging until you have had someone you love with all your heart wage war against you as if you were a mortal enemy trying to destroy them; turned your heart and life and body chemistry upside down with stress until you suffered chronic health problems; had horrible lies told about you, until your personal growth and development has been halted while you try to deal with the utter confusing chaos that is your relationship….please allow those who have been hurt to share their advice with others staring down similar outcomes.

September 10, 2011 at 12:23 pm
(221) BorderlinePatienceDevelopment says:

I did not RUN. I flew. Back and forth to another continent many times over several years and it ended up the same way it would have if I had listened to his ex who told me to RUN. I just wasted three more years of my life, ruined my health, and exhausted all the people who actually do care about me because I didn’t listen. That’s why people who have been through it want to share their advice—to save heartbreak, not create it. If I knew a person with BPD who was committed to working towards change, I would give them a lot of patience and support. That was not my case and is not for the majority. It does help to read about other experiences because one of the hardest things to cope with is self-doubt and guilt. I wish all of those with BPD and those who have been touched by it the best possible outcomes. No one deserves to live a life of pain and frustration. We are meant for so much more.

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