I often ask my clients to use music to help them get through periods of emotional turmoil or urges to self-harm. The key to this skill (which is suggested in Dialectical Behavior Therapy), is to pick music that is the direct opposite of the mood, emotion, or urge that you're struggling with. So, for example, if you are feeling desperate and hopeless, pretty much any song by Evanescence is out. But, maybe something soothing (like "Blackbird" by the Beatles) or upbeat (like Katy Perry's "California Girls") would work.
Frankly, I'm a little out of touch with pop culture, so I don't have a lot of great songs to suggest. Do you have certain songs that help you cope? What are some of your favorites? Comment below or go to the "reader's respond" page on music.
Respectively— After reading some of your pros and cons of having a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder I believe that the emotional dangers are not underscored enough. Raging and verbal abuse is a common characteristic— and the problem is they don’t always show themselves until your are intimately vulnerable. Many times traumatic bonding creates a surreal and overly intense connection that has little to do with love. Many times you stay in the relationship due to fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). Go to a forum like BPDfamily.com and read the difficulties that people are having dealing with the disorder in their life. I would never encourage anyone to have a close interdependent relationship with someone with unmanaged, untreated BPD. You will become the dart board for projected shame and anger. (this is not to say that friendships can’t be rewarding) Intensity is no substitute for two people knowing how to “own” their stuff, and committing to having attentiveness, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowance.
Although I’m not a borderliner, I do have the oversensitivity that is often associated with borderliners.
At this very moment I’m listening to Fauré’s requiem.
Reason being, this weekend I had an unpleasant encounter with a borderline personality (BP). I “took the beating”, I coped and, as always, I responded correct and calm. But she did manage to touch a sensitive spot.
If I were to play ‘happy’ music at this moment, it would feel completely forced and fake. It would probably get me irritated after a while.
Playing a bit of sad, pathetic music seems to help me get throught the moment. As if the music ‘understands’ what I feel. I understand that the sad music may keep the sad feeling longer.
So how is it with this contradiction?
Am I wrong to think that using sad music to get some abstract sympathy is better than to ‘force’ me into a happy mood with happy music?
hi! i haven’t been officially diagnosed as borderline but i’m pretty sure i am. ugh!!!! i hate it. that said, i will speak as a borderline and tell you what music lifts me when i need it. The Venga Boys are great for making me get up and move around and lifting my spirits. There is a jazz piece by David Benoit that I love, called “Sailing Through the City” Very cheerful with beautiful piano. Sometimes I just put on some classical…….I have no memories, bad (that would make me sad) or good (that also sometimes make me sad because that creates a sense of loss). Ton Loc’s “Wild Thing” and (can’t remember who this one is by) “Baby’s Got Back” crack me up and put me in a good mood. Most rap music puts me in a bad mood, and I’ve drug my friends out of clubs that play it. That was back in the day. I don’t club any more, too old. I like Cher’s “Dark Lady” because it tells a story……..I like a lot of Cher. But yes, music evokes a lot of intense emotion in me, and if I don’t like it, I don’t listen. I don’t like most of Elton John’s music, and everybody else loves it, go figure. I like Benny and the Jets and that’s about it. Oh, Neil Diamond………..yes, yes! “Sweet Caroline” is a winner!
Two more things, if I may. First, Michael, you posted your comment in the wrong section. This is about music, not about relationships. Borderlines need to learn to cope, and that is what we are trying to do here in this comment section, not read something about how awful we are.
Second, if anybody from about.com reads this post, please help me figure out why, after joining as a member, creating a user name and password, I cannot log on after numerous attempts. Is the system down?
Thank you!
Im sorry but as a BPD, I couldnt disagree more about the music being opposite of my mood to help me.
If Im feeling angry and try and listen to ‘happy’ music, im likely to smash the stereo out of frustration, as the music makes me feel even more guilty and outcasted due to my feelings than I already do at moments like that.
I strongly beleive that many ‘traditional’ theropy methods (such as the music helping you ‘turn’ your emotions) DO NOT work for BPD sufferers. We DESPERATLY need to find avenues to release our emotions and harness them, therefor controling them, rather than using a ‘bandaid’ type approach like soothing music which In my opinion simply keeps the emotions bottled up.
I have found it to be an EXTREAMLY effective coping strategy to do the exact opposite. firstly one must ensure they are in a safe environment, then let the AC/DC blast hence RELEASING the negative emotions, and harnessing them, channeling them into the music, eventualy leaving you feeling calm and satisfied. you mentioned Evanesance as being a no no if feeling hopeless, I say go for it, we BPD’s find ourselves feeling lonely and misunderstood constantly, you would be very surprised how comforting it can be for us to ‘feel’ music that lets us feel like someone else actualy does understand and that we arnt alone.
A key factor to our condition is the fact we have extream difficulty regulating our emotions, so a well written and performed song, that FITS our mood, can definatly help us understand and feel, and ultimatly RELEASE those emotions, in a more ‘normal’ manner, hence helping us to feel, normal. Screaming along to AC/DC is a LOT more acceptable than the altenatives like self harm or violent outbursts.
Many may disagree with my veiws, but they ARE based on experiance, it may not work for all, but it definatly works for me.
I really appreciate Dr. Salters-Pedneault’s writings and look forward to reading the various entries. I too find the opposite action approach challenging but important. When I feel so tired and depressed, forcing myself to take my dog for a walk is 99.9% the right thing to do rather than remaining in bed. With music, I used to listen to such melancholy music (i.e. Tori Amos) but now I have grown out of my teens and I am trying to accept the sad feelings but also work with how to help myself feel better. Although The Smiths and Morrissey can be totally gloomy–songs like Ask and Panic are good fun. I actually like king of Pain by the Police bc I almost laugh at how seriously I might take myself at times as I am the “king of pain” in my mind. However, I like some strangely classic, inspirational songs like Carly Simon’s Let the Rivers Run and even Neil Diamond’s Coming to America. Being in NY–the immigrant dream is quite amazing and humbling. I like the reference to Katy Perry and some of the Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce music has a good beat but also uplifting or fun messages. I am trying more to listen to relaxing music to calm me down. There are some rock/rap songs that do help me feel a bit connected with those sad feelings. However, songs like I’m Every Woman, Walking in Memphis, Here Comes the Sun, Feeling Good (Nina Simone), help shake my blues away. Yet a little wallowing with divaish torch songs also help me esp. since I have a very working class background and I relate to the underdog, etc.
i’m so glad to see posts like this. been bpd for years but just finally got the “official” diagnosis. music moves me in and out of intense emotions sometimes to the points of tears, rage, and happiness bordering on hysteria. it makes me overcome but i love it. i crave it. it’s not necessarily the lyrics but the drop and rise of melody, a well played harmony, a kick ass drum rhythm. it’s the music itself. but it starts the buzzing under my skin and the shallow breath that indicates need for a release. even if i try to keep myself busy with other things while the music plays it’s hard. all i have to do is turn it off but i hate to. i love music. i would also feel rediculously fake if i tried to reverse my mood with other music. i agree with charlie. moving with the music is better (for me) than swimming upstream, so to speak.