How to Be a Good Friend to Someone With BPD

Relationship problems are one of the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder (BPD). From the perspective of a friend, these relationships can seem intense, confusing, and conflicted. You might feel like they are putting you on a pedestal at one moment, only to turn on you with scorn the next. 

How do you make sense of it while still trying to be a good friend?

It's important to acknowledge that being friends with someone with BPD will probably never be simple or easy. There may be times when your friend feels totally hopeless or out of control, causing you to feel helpless as well. But it's just as important to remember that they also have wonderful qualities that make them a great friend.

Educate Yourself About Borderline Personality Disorder

Knowledge really is power. If you have a friend with BPD, one of the best things you can do is learn more about their condition. You'll be better able to make sense of their sometimes confusing behaviors once you know that unstable moods and emotions characterize BPD.

This understanding can also help you know how to support and respond when things start to get rocky. Instead of turning misunderstandings into major arguments, you'll know when it's best to walk away from a disagreement until things start to settle down.

Sometimes, people with BPD engage in behaviors that can seem manipulative, mean-spirited, or destructive. A deep understanding of the disorder can help you recognize these behaviors for what they are: symptoms. Understanding that these behaviors are not intended to harm you may help you build more empathy for your friend so you can better support them.

Support Their Efforts to Get Professional Help

Trying to force someone to get professional help rarely works, no matter how badly they need it (unless, of course, it's an emergency situation).

You can support your friend when they decide to get help, however. This may mean telling your friend that you are proud of them for asking for help or that you think seeking help is a courageous choice. Or it may mean offering rides to appointments or making an effort to visit if they're in the hospital.

In fact, research suggests that social support can make all the difference. For example, one study found that people with BPD who have support and stability in their personal lives often see improvement in their symptoms sooner than those who lack support.

Validate Your Friend’s Experiences

People with BPD tend to experience strong emotions—overwhelming feelings that are sometimes really hard to cope with. One way you can support them is to listen and validate how they are feeling.

That doesn't mean you necessarily agree with their evaluation of a situation or feel that the intensity of their feelings is justified. What you can do, however, is listen and acknowledge the difficulty of their feelings.

Emotional validation doesn't have to be hard! Start by giving them your full attention and listen carefully to what they are saying. Then, respond with something like, "I get why you feel that way" or "Wow, that sounds really upsetting."

Because of the nature of the disorder, even those who didn't experience a problematic environment growing up may have grown accustomed to people telling them that they are overreacting. As a result, having someone actually care about how they feel can be powerful.

Don't Ignore Threats of Harm

Suicidal threats and gestures are common in people with BPD. Some people with BPD will make multiple suicidal threats, which can lead their family and friends to become desensitized to this kind of behavior.

But even if your friend has made suicidal threats in the past without actually attempting suicide, know that people with BPD are at very high risk of attempting and completing suicide.

Learn the possible signs that your friend is contemplating suicide, and call emergency personnel (such as 911 in the United States and Canada) any time you believe there is an imminent risk your friend may harm themselves. Leave it to the professionals to decide whether there is a serious risk of harm.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

Sometimes friendships with people who have BPD become unbalanced, and you may find yourself giving more than you receive. If this happens only occasionally, it is usually fine. Most relationships ebb and flow; they can’t always be an even 50-50 split. But if you find yourself in a perpetually unbalanced and difficult situation, it will create a strain in the relationship.

Research has shown that friends and family who care for people with BPD have high rates of hostility, anxiety, depression, and distrust. Financial strain, marital problems, and social embarrassment are also common family responses.

In the long term, however, it is more helpful for a person with BPD to have a consistent, reliable friend than to have a friend who was 100% there for them for a few months before disappearing forever. For this reason, it is important for you to take care of yourself, take breaks from your friend when needed, and create healthy boundaries so that you get your needs fulfilled, too.

Of course, that's usually a lot easier said than done. It requires assertive communication skills and sufficient self-awareness to understand when it is time to pull back a bit. However, it is possible to have a long-term, rewarding friendship with someone with BPD if you work at it.

Takeaways

Being friends with someone who has BPD can sometimes feel like being on an emotional roller-coaster. One day, you are their favorite person, and the next, you are personal non grata. Even though you want to be a caring and supportive friend, it's rarely easy.

Fortunately, BPD is treatable, and learning more about the symptoms can take a lot of the confusion out of the relationship. Support them in seeking professional help (without being forceful), validate what they are feeling, and be on alert for any threats of self-harm or suicidal behavior.

Last (but certainly not least), ensure you take care of yourself. Being there for your friend means being there for yourself, too. Set and maintain boundaries as needed so you can remain a steady, supportive presence in your friend's life.