Feelings of rejection can happen anywhere and with just about anyone. Often those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have heightened rejection sensitivity, which can result in frequent overwhelming feelings of rejection, even at work.
For the person with borderline personality disorder, splitting often aggravates the sense of rejection, making the situation appear permanent and devastating to the BP. These feelings of rejection can trigger any number of problematic behaviors in a BP including anger, self-injury, or other impulsive behaviors in an effort to cope with the feelings.
On the Job
Workplaces yield a host of unique issues. They can be the most consistent and constant environments in a person’s life. However, the environment is often full of people that did not choose to have a relationship with one another. In addition, tensions can rise due to everyone’s expectations of the job and one another. This can present ample opportunities for conflict, hurt feelings, and feelings of rejection. Splitting, a hallmark of those with borderline personality disorder, makes coping with the rejection even more difficult.
In general, dealing with coworkers and supervisors can present a variety of challenges.
Supervisors
Supervisors are charged with managing people and following directions from their own superiors – this can set up numerous scenarios in which the BP can feel rejected. The feelings of rejection can result from any number of supervisor behaviors or actions, including criticism, discussion of work performance, professional detachment, bad mood, recognition of another worker, etc.
There may be a tendency to hold supervisors to an impossibly high level of professionalism, expecting that they will always be able to communicate issues in a way that will not feel rejecting. In addition, regardless of general mental health, a supervisor at times is going to be cross with or defensive towards others. It can be difficult to remember that although someone is a supervisor, they are still a person subject to the same physical and emotional issues as everyone else. It is even possible that some supervisors of those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have BPD themselves.
Coworkers
Coworkers also can trigger feelings of rejection. For many, the workplace is a primary source of socialization, financial opportunity and professional development. Although a workplace may at times feel like a great supportive environment where everyone cares for one another, it can just as easily feel rejecting and isolating. For the BP, even one person who snaps at or dismisses him could make the entire workplace seem hostile.
The BP may feel rejected if a coworker appears to be better friends with another or disagrees with his opinion. Coworkers may find themselves in somewhat adversarial roles competing for recognition or having to work on a project together, which also can trigger feelings of rejection.
Coping
When a person with borderline personality disorder is feeling rejected, it can be difficult for her to understand why she is feeling this way, much less address the situation rationally. The BP may instead focus on getting others to agree with her that she was unfairly hurt -- reliving the pain of the rejection with each recounting.
By their very nature, work situations are different than personal situations, and thus the BP must respond differently to the feelings of rejection, lest she have significant repercussions. Anger outbursts and retaliations can result in disciplinary actions in the workplace.
There are some things that BPs can do to better address their issues with rejection to better handle the inevitable feelings.
- Breathe
At the first sign of hurt feelings take several slow silent deep breaths. Concentrate on the breaths, consciously trying to blow out some of the physical and emotional discomfort. - Get Some Distance
If it is at all possible, get away from the offending person; take a bathroom break if there are no other options.. There are very few situations that need to be addressed immediately, and getting some distance will allow for the intensity to lessen a bit. - Remember That You Are At Work (Or Work-Related Event)
Focusing on the realities of the relationship with the person that hurt you will help keep excessively emotional reactions in check. - Write It Down
Use a private journal to write down what happened and what you are feeling. Use this as a means of expressing your hurt, without having to censor your thoughts. - Identify Your Feelings
Using what you have written, identify some feeling statements. - Identify Your Purpose
It is important to know what your purpose is (or what you hope to accomplish) before you react. - Identify Your Options
Looking at the situation, identify what, if anything, could be done to address the situation and help you feel better. - Decide What To Do
Be realistic, consider who is involved and what the outcome of any action could be and what will be accomplished by addressing the issue.
It is always advised to discuss what happened and how you feel with a trusted mentor or therapist. Friends, although supportive, are not therapists and are not always able to help a BP identify what is part of the borderline personality disorder experience and what is an appropriate hurt feeling. Mentors are also different than friends, and can help you identify options in terms of your larger goals.
