From the article: Borderline Personality Disorder and Sex
People with BPD can experience a variety of sexual difficulties, including reckless sexual behavior, negative attitudes toward sex, sexual promiscuity, and sexual avoidance. How has BPD affected your sex life?
Taking a break
- I'm just realizing for the first time that I have BPD. I have sex once in a year, both of my kids have different fathers, because I was pressured into having sex. Right now I just want to take a leave from men and give myself and my kids a break. Focus all the love and affection on myself and my kids. Just writing this gives me tremendous satisfaction that I have not felt in almost 10 years. I guess I am overcoming my childhood abuse and finding reasons to love myself and appreciate who I am for the first time ever!
- —threen
Where do I go From Here?
- I have BPD and have known about it for 2 years. When I was younger I had many risky sexual encounters, often with people I barely knew. This left me feeling empty inside and lonely. So I went on a "sex strike" I refused to have sex until I was married because I wanted to know that the person i was with actually loved me and not just lusted me. So I go married. Unfortunately, I know I love my husband, but we have been married 3 years and I have cheated on him 4 times. None of them mean anything to me and I can't control it. I feel like I am lost. Right now we are at a crossroads, do we keep our marriage and try again? Or do we quit for fear that I wont be able to control it again. I wish I could control it, if not for me for him. I never thought BPD had such a hold on my life until recently. I only hope my husband knows how much I love him, even if I am horrible at showing him.
- —Karen8705
Sex is not making love
- My BPD wife lost interest in sex because of the meds and more importantly, she recalled herself being molested by her brother when she was young. But also I am put off with sex with her for all the hurtful things she has said when she is having her temper tantrums. I have no (positive) feelings anymore. I need to make love with a woman I love and care for and not just have sex, it just doesn't do it for me anymore.
- —Guest Membername
Sharing my experience
- How has BPD affected the sexual sphere of my life? To answer this honestly, I believe BPD combined with severe ADHD led to severe impulsivity issues when I finally was ready to try sex at the age of 24. Until then, I was saving myself for marriage due to being raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. It did not seem that there was any sort of husband on the horizon and by the age of 24 my hormones took control. I had 2-1/2 years of severe promiscuity well, I'm lucky I didn't catch AIDS frankly. I did not have the courage to purchase condoms. I was always under the influence of alcohol to give me the courage to actually get with someone. Looking back, I feel terribly sad that due to lack of self-awareness around my ADHD/BPD that I went through the experiences I did. I am forever scarred emotionally, psychologically etc. However, I am no longer promiscuous. Thank goodness. That isn't the way to live.
- —SweetPeas64
Out of control
- My wife of ten years has BPD. During the first five years we had an outstanding sex life. But then she got really sick and had to be put on anti psychotic meds that killed her sex drive. After she got off the meds she became obsessed with sex and if I was not in the mood she would constantly hound me or accuse me of cheating. I caught her starting several affairs online and she left me. Now she has gotten into some rape fetish thing. Personally I feel it is extremely unhealthy for someone with her mental illness, especially since she is no longer going to treatment. What kills me the most is that in ten years she never mentioned being into that type of thing and then just out of nowhere she decides she is going to leave me and start acting this way.
- —Guest B
Sex life took a bad U-turn
- I´m living the same situation. My wife, once super sex active, nowadays, is avoiding sex. I´ve learned to deal with this situation. I just keep showing her that I love and want her, but I understand her new feelings about sex. I wait patiently and at least we have good sex 2-4 times a month. To be honest I prefer seeing her avoiding sex, than run the risk of her having risky sex outside our relationship. I had suspicion of this in the past, and I would not like to cause family traumas to our 2 baby girls. She notices that she´s making me feel somehow unhappy and tries to "compensate" assuring me she loves me too much. The better way to deal with a BPD spouse is just to apply with her the same care that we have with our children. She loves dolls and other girls´toys, and is very nice with all kids. Sometimes she "is a little girl also". Deal with this is the best way to live with a loved BPD.
- —MarioArc
Sex life
- I notice all of the responses are about women. My husband has BPD and is in denial. Before we were married (his first, my second) our sex life was great. Then it all changed. We have only had sex 3 times since then (2 years). When I ask why, he tells me not to bug him, and that the more I bother him about it, the longer it will be until he touches me again! I have tried everything to try and understand how he is feeling, but to no avail. I am now at my wits end, and don't know where to go or what to do from here. It has left me feeling unloved and unwanted, although in all other aspects, we have a solid friendship and marriage. The other thing that is worrying is his extreme physical violence towards me when he has had a few and he projects all his frustration and anger onto me. I wonder if anyone else is experiencing this?
- —Guest Tracey
BPD and Sex
- In the depths of despair trying to get away from and being drawn in again by my ex-girlfriend. She neither offers me a normal loving/sexual relationship nor will let me go if I try to initiate no contact. I also work with her so it's extremely difficult. Yet she can be so caring and good company......but it is so destructive. I don't feel I can kiss her or touch her yet we used to have a great sex life. I now realize that sex is a tool of the BPD sufferer rather than part of a healthy bond between two people. Not sure what to do next.
- —harper38
My sex life
- I've got a strange relationship with sex. I'll go through bouts where I'll want sex from anyone with two legs whether it's a guy or a girl. Yet sometimes I don't want sex at all, the thought of it makes me heave. I've been with my partner for 17 months now and she's had a positive impact on me, but I have cheated 3 times and obviously it has caused problems between us, but I think she understands a bit why. But she doesn't understand why I sleep with guys as well as I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy, I don't find them attractive and I don't particularly enjoy the sex either but I still do have sex with guys. It's so complicated for me, I don't understand any of it at all. Because of my sleeping around I've got a bad rep too. I've also had many pregnancy scares.
- —Guest Lauren
Sex life - response to Guest David
- I have been diagnosed with BPD and I too cannot face sex with my husband of almost 16 years. My not wanting to have sex has put a strain on our marriage but it has not broken it. My husband would rather have me as I am than not at all... When our relationship is not going well on an emotional basis, it is VERY difficult to look past that and have sex. Yes, granted, most of the problems are mostly mine (now that I know more about BPD) I am able to recognise my behavour patterns. Alot of the time I find my husband does or says things that really get me uptight or reminds me of abuse that I went through as a child and that makes me angry and I push him away. Talk to your wife and LISTEN to her and how she feels. Try to understand what she is going through. It is not easy for her (I know) and I know it is hard for you too. I can guarantee that she doesn't want things to be like this between the 2 of you. Love her David, she needs that more than you know. Good luck.
- —Guest Guest Tracy
almost destroyed our family
- I found that my BP/BPD wife was having several affairs after we got married. She denied all of them, even when there was proof of what was going on. She chose to enjoy the company of a local police officer in our town, and would bring him around our kids and act like everything was fine. She also was meeting men from craigslist for sex and bragging to her friends about it. She is now on medication, goes to therapy, and appears to be doing better.
- —Guest illinoi
All or Nothing
- When I am single, I tend to exhibit self-destructive tenancies such as promiscuity, unsafe sex, etc. However, I find now that I am in a committed, long-term relationship (2+ years), I have little to no interest in sex most of the time. I feel ashamed because I know that most girls my age (24) have no problems whatsoever with sex. I used to overdo it and now I never want it. It is like the black/white splitting again, there is never any middle ground with this disorder. BAH!
- —Guest Katie
Sex life took a bad U-turn
- My wife has been diagnosed with BPD, and is in treatment. During the four years before our marriage, and during the first five years of marriage, we had an extremely active sex life - if anything, she was sexually hyperactive. Now it's just the opposite - she refuses to let me touch her and rejects any form of sexual expression. She has a variety of explanations for this, different reasons on different days, but always says that it's my problem, not hers. She has refused my request that we go to a sex therapist. I'm in constant pain about this, and would like to hear from anyone else who has been through either side of this problem.
- —Guest David
I Associate Sex with Rejection
- When I was younger, my borderline personality disorder manifested in promiscuous behavior. I slept with almost every male who showed me even the faintest amount of interest. After almost every single one of my sexual encounters, I prayed that those men would pursue me as their girlfriend. Unfortunately, none of them did, which left me feeling used and disgusting. Today I am in my first relationship, and my distrust of men stemming from my past often places it in ruins. Every day I expect my boyfriend to lose interest at a whims notice, and when he is not in the mood for sex, I immediately jump to the conclusion that he no longer finds me physically attractive. The rejection and acceptance I associate with sex has tainted our intimacy, and in many ways, has ruined our relationship.
- —Guest Julia
Sex Life
- I think my girlfriend has PTSD. She was abused when she was a child and sometimes it is hard for her.
- —Guest Joe
