Ask a Therapist: How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem?

How to Increase Self-Esteem and Boost Confidence

A female smiles at herself in the mirror after raising her self-esteem

Verywell / Catherine Song

In the “Ask a Therapist” series, we answer your questions about all things mental health and psychology, whether you are struggling with a mental health condition, coping with anxiety about a life situation, or simply looking for a therapist's insight.

Our Reader Asks

I have struggled with low self-esteem for a really long time. Sometimes, I don’t think I have what it takes to succeed in life. But I know that attitude isn’t helpful. What can I do to start feeling better about myself? 

Amy's Answer

You’re smart to want to address self-esteem issues. Building a healthy sense of self will take work and it will likely feel uncomfortable, but it’ll be worth it.

When we believe something, we constantly look for evidence that our belief is true. So if you believe you’re unworthy, for instance, you’ll view every mistake, mishap, and rejection as proof that you’re not good enough. Even if you succeed at something (like you get an award), you’ll likely chalk it up to “good luck” rather than take credit for your effort or skills.

The problem with feeling bad about yourself is that it can hold you back in life. Fortunately, there are several things you can do to improve your self-esteem and, ultimately, have the life you desire. Here are a few strategies to try.

Create a Healthy, Supportive Environment

A 2018 study found that individuals with low self-esteem tend to surround themselves with people who put them down. When others put them down, their words are in line with what the person with low self-esteem thinks about themselves. It gives them a twisted sense of comfort as they believe, "You see me the same way I see me."

The study also found that people who don’t feel good about themselves are more likely to seek support with indirect methods like whining, sulking, and complaining. Those strategies increase the likelihood that others will respond poorly, which again reinforces their beliefs that no one cares and they aren’t good enough.

For this reason, it’s important to evaluate the people around you. Are you surrounding yourself with people who put you down, even if subtly? Take a look at your physical environment too. Do you live in a cluttered, crowded space? Perhaps a messy place reinforces to you that you aren’t worthy of living in a neat environment.

Make it a priority to surround yourself with people and things that send a message that says you are good enough. It may feel uncomfortable at first but as your self-esteem improves, it’ll get easier.

Recap

Some people unintentionally create an environment that reinforces their low self-esteem. Changing this environment and the people you surround yourself with can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and help support your sense of self-worth.

Utilize Positive, Supportive Self-Talk

Monitor the conversations you have with yourself. If you repeatedly tell yourself, "This will never work," or "Everyone is going to laugh at me," you’re going to feel bad about yourself.

When you catch yourself being overly critical or making negative predictions about your chances of success, stop and ask, "What would I say to a friend who was thinking this?" Chances are, you’d likely offer compassionate words of encouragement.

For some reason, it’s much easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to ourselves. But self-compassion can be key to helping you feel better about yourself.

Speak back to your negative thoughts with a kinder, more compassionate statement, like "You can do this! Do your best and look people in the eye!" Changing your inner dialogue can shift your mindset over time. Your brain will begin to recognize that you’re more capable and competent than you give yourself credit for.

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Everything You Need to Know About Self-Esteem

Act As If You Feel Confident 

Changing the way you think isn’t always enough to change deep-rooted beliefs and feelings about yourself. It’s also important to change your behavior.

A common therapy strategy is to "act as if." So in this case, it would be to act as if you felt confident. When you take action first, your feelings often follow. Acting confident shifts your mindset and can help you feel more confident about yourself

Ask yourself, "What would a confident person do right now?" It might be as simple as shaking hands, introducing yourself, or volunteering to go first. Take that action now. You don't have to wait until you feel confident to get out there and do it.

Make sure you’re doing things that help you feel good in the big picture, too. Try new things, meet different people, and challenge yourself in healthy ways.

Consider Talking to a Therapist

If you’re having a hard time making changes on your own, talk to a therapist. A mental health professional can help you address the factors that affect your self-esteem so you can feel better. And feeling good about yourself is the key to reaching your greatest potential and living your best life.

Get Help Now

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Summary

Having a strong sense of self-esteem is important for your well-being. Take steps to make sure your surroundings and the people in your life help support your sense of self-worth. Treat yourself with the same kindness and encouragement that you would a close friend. Also, work on acting confidently even if you don't feel confident in the moment.

Finally, consider talking to a mental health professional about your self-esteem issues. A therapist can help you address some of the thinking patterns that contribute to poor self-esteem and develop new coping mechanisms that support a positive sense of self.

2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Don BP, Girme YU, Hammond MD. Low self-esteem predicts indirect support seeking and its relationship consequences in intimate relationships. Personal Soc Psychol Bull. 2019;45(7):1028-1041. doi:10.1177/0146167218802837

  2. Donald JN, Ciarrochi J, Parker PD, Sahdra BK, Marshall SL, Guo J. A worthy self is a caring self: Examining the developmental relations between self-esteem and self-compassion in adolescents. J Person. 2017;86(4):619-630. doi:10.1111/jopy.12340

By Amy Morin, LCSW
Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk,  "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.