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Worst Ways To Handle Conflict

Readers Respond: How Do You Describe Your Symptoms?

Responses: 31

By

Updated April 28, 2009

Relief Pt. 2

Because I was scared he was leaving for good. I soon after got pregnant on purpose by him so he wouldn't leave. The whole time I was pregnant I was fine because he did everything I wanted and I was happy. When our son was born he told me if I ever cut myself again he would leave me, so I stopped. I started not trusting him again and becoming violent and going into a rage when he didn't do as I said and when hitting wouldn't work I would threaten to kill myself. We started going to couples counseling which worked for a bit but money wouldn't allow us to continue. My rage and control issues has gotten worst and I'm scared I'm going to seriously harm my fiance. My son is now almost 2 and he is emotional affected when I lose control so I'm seeking help and sticking with it. Not only for my son but for all my loved ones.
—Guest Ivy

Relief Pt. 1

I was diagnosed with BPD 3 yrs ago but I didn't believe it. I'm going to counseling again and I was re diagnosed with BPD so I researched it and its totally me. The only difference is that I am narcissistic, I believe the whole world evolves around me and I know best and everyone should do as I say. If it doesn't go my way I go crazy, find ways to manipulate the situation. I make everyone around me feel guilty or stupid for not pleasing me. When I was a teenager I would cut myself and get into fights. I thought I was just a spoiled brat with depression. I was promiscuous, did a crazy amount of drugs and didn't care about anyone, until I met my fiance 3 yrs ago. I realized I needed to seek help when my relationship started falling apart. I love him so much but I never trusted him. I needed to know where he was, what he was doing, and who he was talking to. When he needed a break from me because I was so clingy and controlling, I swallowed a bottle of pills.........
—Guest Ivy

Is it or isn't it BPD

After 2 yrs. of reading everything about ADHD, Bipolar, Abuse-physical & emotional, I am now thinking my boyfriend has BPD. The ups & downs, am not judging him; I know it's the behavior. We have not spoken for over a yr. only email & seeing him from the choir loft at church. He feels persecuted all the time. He threatens & bullies--he is abusive. He's extremely smart. Sense of great entitlement, but also worthlessness. Drinking, yes, means of sabotaging relationships. He has great spirituality which keeps him somewhat level. Some sort of horrid abuse as a young & only child. I stay the course because he is trying in his way to recover--he's 43. He's a survivor, strong & in spite of it all he has indirectly helped me with issues of abandonment & invisibility more mild than what I've read here. Just know that there are those of us who are trying to understand, who do read, try to find answers, not judge and stand-by with love, eternal hope, & compassion!!
—Guest Will to Understand

Mid-life crisis: What a mess I've made

I'm 43 (female). Since early childhood, I've felt I was a different "breed". I perceived things differently so felt I must be much smarter or stupider than others. I have a very high IQ (tested twice), but each life failure tells me that I must be stupid. The failures (e.g. 2 divorces; falling out with several family members and friends; issues with authority prevent work) all stem from bad relationships. With my severe abandonment issues, I push people away to test them but I take it too far and can be mean. I have always had low self esteem, leading to sexual promiscuity as a teen. Identity issues -- no clue who I am and my beliefs change often and dramatically. My sexual orientation has even fluctuated. My impulsivity has caused problems -- aan affair I had ended my first marriage and I've consistently used drugs and alcohol for coping. In high school I was a cutter and had my first of many suicide attempts. Looking over my life so far, I've created nothing, and sadly hurt many
—julia.rose

Me, Myself, and I

I don't what I am or who I am. Describing myself is hard, because I'm always a happy person, but I'm also depressed and suicidal most of the time. I've been a cutter for four years, anorexic for two, bulimic for one, and diagnosed depressed for seven long years. I have a lot of intense emotions, but I don't feel anything at all. I love my friends and family, but I hate them and wish they would leave me alone. My career choice changes very often. I don't know what I'll go to college for. I was 11 years old the first time I attempted suicide. Since there, there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about it. I'm 18. I wish I could escape myself. I hate everything about me, from the feel of my skin to the shape of my fingers to the color of my hair. I hate the thoughts I have. I hate the way I sit around all day and eat and eat and eat. I don't want to go on living.
—Guest thethirdpolarity

my feelings

I've always felt different from being about 5, I have weird relationships with people I get close when I first meet them, I split up with my boyfriend a lot because I get angry at little things and we argue he doesn't understand me and doesn't know that I cant control myself. I get angry at work if someone doesn't do something the same as I do it but other times I am so happy and people seem to really like me and give me compliments, I binge drink, take a lot of drugs, I had an eating disorder for 2 years and I am sort of back on track now but every now and then I wont eat for days then I binge for days, I'm very violent when I'm angry, I have self harmed and I once thought I was addicted to stealing things, I once tried to throw myself under a car and my ex-boyfriend stopped me, I have suicidal thoughts near enough every week, over little things.
—Guest Rachybaby

BPD

Just so you know it's never our fault we have this so don't be judgmental. Half the time I don't even feel like I exist and the rest of he time I'm locked in my room thinking about all the mess I'm in and I'm always afraid my aunt will leave and my mom cant even take care of herself and I'm only 15. I would do anything to change my life but this is the way I am and I am still learning to accept it. To those who have it, never give up
—dense1

Not so obvious.

How often are we reminded that we consist of both mind AND body? Apparently, this fact is deemed too obvious to bear repeating. Consequently, we are made aware of the adverse effects of mutilating our bodies - which is obvious - with no mention of the remedial effects of aerobic exercise - which are not. We are warned against the evils of drug abuse while the enormous benefits of becoming hooked on endorphins goes unmentioned! Clearly, regular and strenuous aerobic exercise is not the silver bullet for BPD. No surprise. What is surprising is this: It is full-metal-jacket ordinance, capable of seriously reducing seemingly impenetrable symptoms, all by itself. When used in conjunction with good psychotherapy, regular, aerobic, exercise amplifies the remedial effects exponentially. You can't afford to be lazy. Quoth Nike, "Just do it!"
—Guest GoldsJim

My experience

Hi, I am a 30 year old female. I have been diagnosed with BPD a few months ago, although I have been diagnosed with depression more than two years ago. I take SSRI, have been on Cipralex for more than a year and they work well with me but i do get really moody at times..Sometimes all it takes is just a 'bad' day or boredom and when this happens I tend to start drinking, I do it so i run away from my feelings and my character problems. I start seeing everything negative and i tend to drink a huge amount until my loved ones realise and help me out avoiding me from drinking..I've been through one of these traumas two weeks ago. Now i'm fine again but still feeling a bit down at times but I'm quite a fighter so i manage. I've threatened to kill myself although i didnt mean it (while i was drunk) When i don't drink i'm a completely different person, i'm joyful, i'm very creative, i'm even a dj myself. I'm always afraid it will happen again..
—Guest Pixie

Sounds like me...and I'm just turning 18

I have extreme abandonment issues. I'm scared of being left alone. Even after someone tells me repeatedly they won't leave, I assume they're lying to me. When I get a good relationship I feel the need to push them away, and then when they're gone I realize I need them back. One second I can be happy with myself and the next I think I don't deserve to live. That I'm too horrible to live. I often cut, or cause some kind of self harm. I've considered suicide more than a few times a day before. I have really impulsive behavior. Shoplifting, drugs, binge eating, and even to simple things like just skipping school, or staying out past curfew. When I get angry about the smallest thing and I feel the need to break everything, or hurt someone. I used to take it out on other people, then I just started to hurt myself instead. There are times when I just feel numb and everything is all hazy. Like when I'm in class I feel like no one can see me. That I must be invisible.
—Guest Eimi

hmmmm

I have very unstable relationships, I go from loving my bf to hating him to needing him to wanting to be far away from him. When i was 14 I felt dissociated from everything and everyone(the exact symptoms of depersonalization and derealization) I get very angry for little things. I notice I have the same rapid changing feelings towards my friends and even pets as I do in relationships. If I get too close to someone I feel weird but other times all I want is to be close. I push people away. I have a low self esteem and I am always changing my mind about what I want to do in life. I used to cut myself and have an eating disorder. My moods change SO rapidly and I often have anxiety. I am very moody and have an attiude a lot but other times I am the exact opposite. I can be very charming but then people find out who the real me is but I try to hide it as long as I can. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Very reckless behavior. Drugs, shoplifting, self harm, impulsiveness
—Guest Steph

BPD

Where do I start? I feel like nothing most of the time. Sometimes when I watch the news I will look at the livingroom wall behind me and say to the news anchor in my mind "you must be talking to someone else and not to me because I don't exist". I feel guilty when I eat most of the time because I feel like I am not worthy of having food. I felt like I was treated like the boy next door by most girls, like the song says " the one you find so easy to ignore " I try to draw emotion out of my therapist and just end up hurting myself myself, I guess I just want her to feel what I am feeling. It makes me feel like she and everyone else in my life doesnt have any empathy for me. Most of the time I just hate life.
—Guest Jeff

I often say

If you think of someone who has had a stroke, sometimes they may lose the use of their limbs all down one side, with someone who has BPD it is the other part of the brain (the emotional Side )that can be effected, leaving emotional difficulties alot harder to deal with and cope with.
—teresahappy

Leap of Faith

Ehh...this sounds like me. Especially the not knowing what you believe in and the relationships. I know there were more, but those really stuck out. It wouldn't surprize me if I am BPD, seeing as I'm already Bipolar.
—Guest Rena

How I describe BPD part 2

It's all or nothing. Sometimes I lose my grip on reality and become enraged. If something doesn't add up to me, or if my fiance says something that is contradictory, I assume he's cheating on me or lying or betraying me in some way and then I just lose it. I yell, scream, hit, cry, kick whatever is in my path. I guess it's a kind of dissociation because I don't realize what I'm doing until it's over. Thanks to a medication that has helped me immensely (Pristiq) and to a totally awesome, very helpful therapist, my BPD symptoms have really started to relent. I finally feel like I'm recovering. I haven't had a full blown rage in about 3 months. I think that there should be more of an awareness towards BPD and the lives it hurts.
—Guest Morgan

How I describe BPD part 1

There is SO MUCH to borderline personality disorder and I doubt that 1000 characters will be enough to explain it all, but I'll try. As far back as I can remember I've always thought of myself as flawed and not as good of quality as everyone else. For example, In school I didn't wear brand name clothing because I didn't feel like I deserved to. Trust issues, extreme insecurity and an intense fear of abandonment are big ones for me. I am engaged to the most wonderful, loving man in the world. Although he's never given me a reason not to, I don't trust him. I'm constantly thinking about whether or not he's cheating on me, lying to me, thinking about leaving me, etc. I constantly need reassurance and it gets hard for him to handle sometimes. Anxiety sets in when he gets online, visits his family without me, even when he's at work. Maybe someone else will make him happier and he'll leave me. I think in black and white. Something is either good or bad. You did or you didn't.
—Guest Morgan

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